Tuesday, December 29, 2015

I am Not a Yoga Teacher

What a frigging relief.

I don't have to live up to self imposed unattainable standards. I'm my own worst nightmare. 

You know what I always wanted to do? Write. Just write. And that's what I'm going to do. Get back to basics.

I was brought up athletic and I love to play sports, but somehow, with teaching and considering myself a role model, I've lost my love. I've lost what I want to do. I'm just a shell.

I used to be somebody. Then I was nobody. And now, maybe, I can be who I really am - just simply me, no strings attached.

That's my New Year's Intention. To be me. To open my mind to the Light. To let the Light shine through the me. That's it. Awareness. Clarity. Simplicity. Get back to basics. 

First and foremost I'm a mother of a two year old. I'm a stay at home mum. I'm tired of feeling that being a mother is in the way of what I really should be doing. I am what I am. Not more, not less. And I'm telling myself, not you. I'm explaining something very simple to myself. 

It's been painful to lose the person I thought I was. To lose the Somebody part of me. I didn't want to give it up. And I've been so miserable maintaining a fa├žade of Somebody. Underneath there was a deep fear I was Nobody. And that's kept me trapped between fear and struggling to revive the shadow of a used to be. Much worse than a Somebody. Just a used to be. 

And I know this is a struggle going on in my mind. I'd be labelled mad, for sure, if anyone could hear what was going on. 

Anyway, one step at a time. To begin with, I am not a yoga teacher. 

Saturday, December 19, 2015

First World Guilt Tears Us Up

So I'm feeling frustrated because I haven't been able to prepare healthy meals like I'd like to, and a few nights a week we eat 'easy and simple' - read frozen pizza or equivalent and a salad to compensate. And simultaneously I am conscious that there are people who don't have the option of preparing healthy meals, ever, and definitely don't have the option of picking up some quick food from the supermarket on the way home from work.

I find myself splitting.

I hear myself talking myself into guilt ridden situations and remind myself that I, in fact, as a used to be meditater and use to be yoga instructor, should know better than to listen to and believe in the negative chatter conjured up by the monkey mind. And still my shoulders tense and I feel bad.

I know I am splitting.

I feel like Mr Mom. I picture Micheal Keating pigging out in front of soap operas and identify.

My little girl is asleep for at least an hour in the afternoons, and I have piles of dishes and laundry to sort, and I do not want to do it! I refuse to spend that little bit of free time doing house hold chores. I resent the housework like it's eating into my free time, instead of tending to it with love and care. Instead of blessing it with attention and being happy to make it into a comfortable home for my family, I resent it for eating into MY time. And I feel guilty for thinking I deserve My time. I'm sure that nearly every person in my ancestry  didn't have as much free time as I do, and I still want more. It's never ending. And even if I get an extra hour, I want another hour. I am the free time monster.

I know all the sides of the argument - but it's how I feel. I want and feel that I need time to do what I want. To feel like me, without the apartment, without being a female, without being a mother, without being a partner, without being a friend. Just purely selfish me time.   And you know what, even if I had an hour, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I'd probably sit on facebook liking delicious meals and pretty homes and adorable babies and kittens.

I never used to be like this.

I resent the younger me. I resent that she was happy and didn't know it.

Oh, don't think I can't hear your judgement. Oh, but you have a lovely little girl, aren't you happy being a mother with the look of what kind of female are you - pile on the guilt. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I love Lydia. I would not change a thing. She brings so much joy and brings laughter into our home. I adore spending fun time with her, and I'm so glad we can afford to keep her at home in these precious years.

That said, I'm not at all organised in my home or personal life. Everything is out of control and I am getting by. And the fact is, I see it on so many women's faces. They are disheartened  by life. They are despondent  and fed up and miserable.

I don't think I've every been especially pretty, really. But I was alive. I was the happiest person I knew. I vibrated with life and awareness. And somehow, over the past ten years, I have caved inwards and met the little poisonous snarling animal in me that hates existing and sees misery everywhere and understands why people just get up and leave their lives and never come back.

And for a few days, without guilt, and without shoulds, I'm going to sit with this. Out loud. And let it be ok to feel like that. I'm tired of feeling guilty, of feeling like I should know better, of thinking anything that makes how I feel not ok.

We are human. This is it. I don't want words of encouragement or trite things like 'things will look up soon'. I just want to express. And I know I am not alone in this. Just for a few days. Just let it be. That's all. And we'll talk about shifting out of this another time. Just not now.

Thanks for listening. 

Friday, December 18, 2015

Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.