Balking at the Pit Again

I've been here before. I don't remember anyone saying I'd have to keep jumping off the edge. I just thought there was one big jump, but it seems there are more, and the fear is as intense at the first time. 

So a few months back I was sitting here looking out over the park towards the mountain and the light started moving slowly towards me as if I could see the wave of it. Then I noticed it coming into my eye, and being 'perceived' as light - and at the moment it was as if I saw into the 'energy' of the world and my heart beat like a heavy drum and the my mind stopped and I thought 'ok then'. 

But its happening again. More intense and more insistent. It seems there is still more to fathom. And I hate to say it, but I think its actually the embodiment of what I have experienced. I love and loathe this side stepping. I'm afraid the choice is no longer mine. I can only struggle or surrender. Struggling just makes it more painful. 

Into the fray dear friends, let's go. 

Beginning the Spiritual Journey

 The questions that come up these days is ‘where did this all begin?’, and ‘what was the impulse that has driven you to ‘here’?’

Rage, frustration, impotence, hatred. I guess these were the driving emotions that took me out of the city. I just couldn’t take it any more. I felt the whole world was driven by lies upon lies and it was killing me. It was like I was frying in my own outrage.

I left university to live as a caretaker on a farm in Nagambie.

While I was there I wrote a lot. Asking myself questions, trying to come to some kind of peaceful resolution. Just trying to live.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. All I knew is that I had to get away from people.  I had to have space in my head. I had to have space to breathe.

Then one day, the world changed. It’s when I had what I took to be a revelation. The things of the world really did reveal some sort of underbelly, or inner quality that I had never guessed at before. I saw what seemed to me at the time the deep reality of the situation. The interconnectedness of all beings. The ultimate Oneness of all.

And in that moment, there wasn’t more to do about it. It was only later, when I started thinking again, that I created a story around it.

The experience itself was quite simple and heartbreakingly profound, but the story I created, the meanings I started coming up with were ridiculously complex.

During the last 6 months, I’ve returned to the simplicity of the experience. I’ve dedicated my living to returning to direct experience and allowing it to unfold without interpretation. To let it penetrate my being without labels and without a story.

Its like nothing I imagined. I kept thinking that it has to be a certain way, that I would need to be able to describe it and that I would need to be able to teach it. But its not like that at all. It’s a funny thing, but there is nothing to teach. It’s more of an unteaching. A removal or a returning of some sort that takes place, but there is no need to express in the way I thought there would be. We’ve already got the thing we are seeking. Now how to express that to a society geared towards attaining? That’s the rub.

Of course, that is part of the prologue too, isn’t it? Well, I’m going to discover something in spirituality, and its going to fit a pattern that I’m familiar with in some way. Its going to fit my ideas. And when it doesn’t, its almost impossible to believe or trust.  It really is easy to overlook. The simplicity of Being.

For more information, you can listen to Adyashanti talking about ‘life without a story’ in one of his free audio downloads. Take a look at the Adyashanti link on the sidebar.  He explains everything much better than I can. 

Photo: Canyelles, Tiffany Jones

Canyelles, Tiffany Jones

India, Albert Vila