Just Beneath the Surface

We’ve been on this path together for a long time. Shifting between teacher and student and into the I’m just going to be ‘me’ for the weekend persona.There’s a new book to discuss, there’s a new meditation or a new teacher or a new dream or experience. And it never stops.
In the past few months, I’ve been deeply listening to Eckhart Tolle and more recently to Adyashanti. And their call is to discover the present moment. To discover ‘what is’ rather than what I want or what I think ‘is’. And remarkably or not, its not one and the same thing.
There have been a few triggers in the audios and books I’ve been reading, but the one that brings me to this moment is ‘is it true?’
This question, when gently asked when any thought arises, acts like a laser gun. Everything is dematerialising before my eyes.
But guess what I discovered just beneath the surface.
A snarling, growling, vicious dog.
That is, someone who is slightly irritated with pretty much everything. The surface appears to be calm, I grant you, but just beneath is a raging whirlpool of black fumes. General dissatisfaction. For everything. Yes, I could say, for pretty much everything. And no, I’m not pre-menstrual.
I’m surprised, to say the least. Lift the lid off the pot to discover a boiling concoction that doesn’t look that tempting for dinner.
Hmm.
When I’m doing yoga, qigong, walking, cooking, studying, typing, I am exploring the layers within for resistance. Am I allowing what ‘is’ to be? Or am I insisting on another framework. Delicious. At every moment I am resisting. Deviously. Secretly. Little pockets of secret forces holding up in my top right shoulder or in the side of my neck. Tension building and afraid of annihilation.
So I turn the light up and shine it on. Is it true? Or is it a fabrication for safety? And the smoke shifts, there’s a certain scuttling and moving away, only to gather again, somewhere else, another layer deep into the terrain of me.
A mission of search and discover. Of claiming territory. Of rooting out illusion and seeing just how deep the infestation has gone.
‘Am I really allowing this moment to be?’
‘Is it the truth?’

I love these phrases. I love them because they are what drove me to seek in the first place. With real innocence and true hunger for the Truth. I was sidetracked by mirrors for a while, but I think I’m back on track.

Adya and Tolle

Awaken!

I woke from dreams
where righteous mothers
beat their daughters
the bones quietly bending. 

I said, Dreamer
Awaken from shoulds
ideas of right
the falseness of words on words.

My feet hit the 
cold floor as I stood.
Flash of face
repeat of the same events.

Dreamer! I said
You are trapped here too
another dream.
Dream within a dream within.

Life, sweet Life is. 
Now, here, awaken!
Follow the thought 
to its place of origin.

Its only here
in the pulse of now
where the dream stops;
Silence embraces stillness.

And so much more
and less than I thought. 
A thought can not 
embark on this now journey. 

I woke from dreams
where thought ruled supreme,
painting pictures;
the good, the bad, the ugly.






Photo: Tiffany Jones  (Australia, 2009)

Between Sounds

Arising, like a lick of flame
bubbling, rushing, sweeping.

Quiet.

Pulsations from the chest,
the rise and fall of passing cars
the mosquito irritation of a moto.

tick tick
pulse pulse

Gently, quietly, with real curiosity
the tentacles softly approach 
who feels
who hears the traffic and the clock?

Ahh, the gentle smile runs 
like a delicate stream
to the tips of fingers and toes.

Fear sets its construction in place
and still I breathe,
air rasping in my throat.

Great Prayer!

Lord,

Thank goodness you know me,

because I don't always know myself!

I suppose there is a purpose to the menopause,

forgive me when I fail to see it!

Please help me to understand why bits of my anatomy

are travelling south at alarming speed.

Why does a nice juicy apple not have the same

'must eat' quality of a yummy chocolate cream gateau?

You don't get to my age without knowing a thing or two,

please help me to disseminate my wisdom

without saying the fatal words

'I told you so!'

I admit to an interest in others affairs;

keep me from passing on

the tempting gossip and smugness that comes

from not giving into similar temptation.

Support me while I listen to another's woes.

Help me to resist the urge

to regale the hapless person with my

much more important tales of adversity.

When complaining that the young

do not have the same qualities I possessed in my youth,

help me to realize that rose tinted spectacles

aid my recollection!

I notice a certain asperity has crept into my speech

when discussing the problems of society,

please make my response

more thoughtful and less prejudiced.

While I will never be a candidate for beatification,

please enable me to attain a level of amiability

so I do not repulse my family and friends.

I am mathematically challenged

so please assist me to count my blessings and realize

that I am the most fortunate of women.

AMEN 

21st century middle aged woman's prayer - rose-mary gower