For me, when I experience intense levels of pain, I often find myself in tune with a deep stillness within me. A great watching seems to arise and if I am very gentle, careful, it stays within my consciousness.
Yesterday I suffered migraine. Intense pain in the back of the head, light sensitivity and shooting pain into the neck. It was my first migraine for about 6 months.
Within the pain, while I was laying in bed, the shades drawn and the room dark, my eyes tightly closed, the great watching arose strong and palpable. Breathing softly I let my mind rest on it until the mind slipped away and I was. Nothing more.
But from within that moment, I discover what’s going on within my body and how I can, if I listen, heal myself.
I have been down this road many a time. I’ve put people up on the stage, I’ve spoken words of forgiveness, I’ve written letters, I’ve done mirror work, I’ve imagined my parents as children, I’ve released personal vendettas and given up on blaming anyone for anything.
When I looked closer into the pain I was experiencing across my shoulders, I realised I was incredibly resentful. I was past blaming the people for their narrow minds or their selfishness or their violence, but I was laying the blame at God’s feet. Not verbally. Not truly consciously. But if everything is God and God is everything, then what the hell is wrong with the world? And the answer was ‘nothing’. Nothing is wrong with it. The only thing that was wrong with it was my attitude. That I was not surrendered, that I was still fighting.
Even within the midst of my pain I was wondering why God was making me suffer. Why is God sending me this pain? Last night I heard an explanation of God in the movie ‘The Island’.
‘Who’s God?’ asked the clone. And the cynic answered something like ‘You know when you close your eyes really tightly and wish for something real bad? Well God’s the guy that doesn’t give it to you.’
My mind is still fighting with my soul. My mind is refusing to let me go. And the way that I can bypass this war, at this moment in time, is through deep cellular forgiveness of God and forgiveness of my petty arrogance in thinking I know better than all of creation. Don’t think I don’t see that humility is part and parcel of the whole forgiveness thing. Someone who accuses (someone like me) thinks they know better. My mind really thinks it knows better than the creative force of the Universe. Sometimes, when I look a little closer at myself, I’m amazed at my arrogance. I guess its similar to those tiny dogs that bark like crazy when they are threatened. Their belief that they are big and important help them think they will survive. Little knowing that their self importance didn’t bring them into the world in the first place.
In True Meditation, Adyashanti says ‘In a sense, meditation is the ultimate act of faith. Because to sit down and allow everything to be as it already is, to let go of control, to let go of manipulation, is itself a very deep act of faith.’
I’ve heard this CD countless times, but today those words rang true in my ears. There is still a part of me resisting. I am still doubting that its ‘ok’. I’m still thinking, somewhere in the back of my mind, that hey, Father, I think you got it wrong. I haven’t dared to really look at this closely before. I didn’t like to think of myself as knowing better than God/Divine Consciousness/Creative Force/The Unnameable Mystery.
Darcy says to Bridget Jones ‘I like you just as you are.’ I baulk to say that to the world, to say that to God, to say that to people. There is a part of me that is repulsed by our selfishness, our greed, our lies, our short sightedness. There is a part of me that wonders if we are not just some huge mistake. A flaw in the perfect expression of nature.
And then there is another part of me that feels such tenderness. That sees the evolving consciousness of people like a developing embryo. Underneath each and every one of us is the divine spark of life, the creative juice running through and within and above and below every action, every thought. A huge unimaginable net of living sparks of expression. A movement of curiosity and seeking and learning and evolution with divine moments when we see beneath the surface into the great mystery of living grace.
Forgive me for my arrogance.
I surrender to You,
In this moment.
I allow everything to be,
As it is.
I release control.
I forgive You.
I forgive me.
Photo: India, Albert Vila
Australia, Tiffany Jones