Post Nine - Afraid to Do

Afraid to Do by Mary Jaksch

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.

I agree with Alicia, on several points about this topic. I must admit I don't usually hold things back, unless they are family or friend based.   I don't usually like to write about my relationship highs and lows with Albert and I gloss over any 'problems' I might face with people I know. 

I'm not sure if that's being too scared, or just aware that this is a public space.  

I guess I'm afraid to write about the depth of my anger. In general. I don't talk about it, or write about it.  But I find my personality often 'angry'. I don't often react on it, and I watch it a lot, and I allow it, but its still there.  The other day a man was holding a woman around the throat and the rage in me superseded all thoughts and I was racing directly between them. I heard a man cough behind me, and I realised in some place that what I was going to do was 'interfere'.  But my rage was like fire in my blood. I couldn't stop and even in hindsight, I wouldn't stop myself. 

I get angry at stupidity. At thoughtlessness. At injustice. At lies.  You can imagine that I'm angry all the time. Sometimes I think I am alive for this anger. I used to become it. I used to 'be' angry. But these days I rest in the space of 'observation' as much as I can. I move back into the emotion, what ever it is, and allow the space that is aware of the anger to come into conscious being.  

Of course, being a yoga/meditation/qigong teacher and having a reputation as a 'nice' person puts a kind of façade on my life also, and I usually don't bring the topic of anger up too much. I guess I'm afraid that people wouldn't be open minded enough to understand how I feel, or even believe me.  They see me smiling too much.