My Previous Attempts to Deal with Food Issues

Q: Since you've become an adult, how have has your relationship to food evolved? 

As a teenager I was well known to be a chocoholic. I used to be able to eat a block of chocolate every day. I could also eat more ice cream than anyone in my class. 

I became a vegetarian when I was 21 and I was a vegan for several years in my twenties. 
In the past few years I've given up a few food like substances, including coke and chewing gum. A few years ago I also gave up coffee because I could see I was addicted to it, even though it was upsetting my stomach after meals and giving me heart palpitations. I gave myself leave to start again on my 45th birthday. I love coffee.

Q: What makes you think you have a problem with food? 

After I had my baby I couldn't lose some of the extra weight I'd gained during the pregnancy. I realised that usually when I started to put on weight, I would just do a few more hours in the gym, and it wasn't really a problem. I correlated low fat as no food problem. As I couldn't shift the weight and I couldn't exercise, I had to look at my food intake. And I realised I was eating a lot more than I thought I was.

I don't know how it happens, but I seem to go blank when I eat sometimes. It really is mindless. In some situations more than others.  

Q: Could you describe your current relationship with food as you see it?

I generally eat rapidly. I eat big mouthfuls and swallow lumps. Most of my meals on my own are finished before 5 minutes. In Spain you can sit around the table for 2 or 3 hours easily and its agony for me. 

I have been practising breathing before meals, and smelling food, and trying to physically relax before consuming food. I have tried to have smaller bites and chew with more awareness. Its difficult and I feel pain when I slow down and bring consciousness to my eating. This is a stressful time for me.

As soon as I have eaten, and I'm full, I usually have a cup of tea. And I'm even fuller afterwards. To the point of bloat. And I stay bloated most of the day. I don't seem to be able to let my stomach empty.  

Out of Control
This is difficult to say, because I obviously pride myself on my control and awareness in many aspects of my life, but yes, I feel that I find myself overeating regularly. I eat past 'full', and I don't seem to be able to stop. I see it clearly. Just writing about this has my heart beating fast. 

Dieting
I don't usually diet because I don't want to restrict my food intake. I have always exercised more instead of cutting back on food. However every year I do a 40 day detox where I follow the Fit for Life program. It has helped me in the past establish healthy eating patterns. I am a disciplined person in some matters, and it can create chaos when this disciplined health conscious side of me sees the unconscious binge eater. I'm working on keeping the name calling down to a minimum. 

Sweets
I started eating more sweets when I was tired and my baby was young. I felt frequently sad and ate pastries to help compensate for my unhappiness. And then I ate more and more. It became a problem for me because I know its not healthy and it doesn't contribute to my long term happiness. 

Hunger
I hardly ever wait until I'm hungry to eat. I eat when there is a space in my stomach.

Self Esteem 
I don't attach my self esteem to my food habits, but it is attached to my body image. I see clearly that the larger I become the more unhappy I am with how I look and the more I feel like its worthless to try to change. Its a vicious cycle. Every now and then I make an effort to change, and I feel trapped in the previous cycle of behaviour. It takes a lot of will power to make changes. Changes that will last. 

Public Confession 
And here I am, shining light on what I see about food in my life. I want it to be out in the open. I want it to be clear. I don't want to pretend. I want to be able to see myself clearly and drag all of that shadow side out into the light. Its helpful to publish this on the Internet. It makes me feel like there is no going back. That this ray of awareness is not just my ray of awareness, but yours too. Your observation adds to my observation so that the ray of light is stronger and I can see and decide clearly what to do for my future. 

At the moment I just want to bring awareness to my relationship with food. I just want to see it clearly. To experience everything with my eyes open. I feel like I am getting to know part of myself I never knew existed. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance before anything else. Observation and acceptance. 

Catalonia/Tiffany

I just wrote this for the Catalonia blog – but actually, I was writing two pieces at once.

First Half

Catalonia has not yet come into her own. She is blooming after the repression of the Franco years and the introduction of Spain into the European community, but she is still shaking off the hold of Spanish rule and bucking at the new people coming to live amongst her people.

There is insistence of speaking the Catalan language, of waving the Catalan flag, of protecting the Catalan culture, and yet, it seems, she is reacting against her past and not resonating with the prosperity of her present.

When we were travelling to and from Australia, people asked Albert where he was from. He would say ‘Spain.’ They would say, ‘Madrid?’ He would say ‘No, Barcelona.’ There would be a great smile and warmth and the word ‘Catalonia?’ and, no matter how many times we had this conversation, we would be amazed that people knew the difference.

Obviously, the soccer team, Barce has helped sell the awareness of Catalonia to soccer watching nations. However, Barcelona as a city, has become a by word in cultural cool. Its sexy, its charming, its hot, it has everything a traveller is looking for. The Costa Brava is near by, the Pyrenees is over the hill, and the food is to die for.

So, the world knows about you. They know you exist. They know you are not the same as Spain. They see you as a most beautiful, charming and wonderful place. With something unique to offer the world.

Now its time for you, Catalonia, to accept your position as a jewel in the crown of the world.

Second Half

Tiffany has not yet come into her own. She’s blooming after the repression of ideas of how things should be, and responding well to the world travelling, but she is still shaking off the hold of her Early Years of Protection and bucking at the new role she is being given.

There is insistence on following old Tiffany paths, of waving the Me flag, of protecting the Tiffany entity, and yet, it seems, she is reacting against her past and not resonating with the prosperity of her present.

In the previous years of her life, people have responded positively to her. They have loved her, called her ‘angel’, ‘blessing’, ‘precious’ and ‘dear’. And she looked behind her, to see who they were talking to. There was no response in her heart that resonated from the gift of the other’s love.

So, the world knows about you. They know you exist. They know you are not the same as you were. They see you as hopeful, happy, and helpful. With something unique to offer the world.

Now its time for you, Tiffany, to accept your position.

To accept the ‘I am.’ To feel it resonate within. To allow it to be.

Full forgiveness.

Full love.

Full acceptance.

Full awareness.

Fully united.

From Light to Darkness - The Tao Within

By all accounts, I was a happy sunny child.

Life shone upon me, and I grew into a hard blend of Artemis and Athena. Withholding and defending my light with arrows of judgement and eternal virginity. Hunting for more of my kind. People to believe in what I had become.

When I questioned my coldness, the light grew stronger and stronger and shattered my image until the all became One and one became All.

Then the Darkness arose, for I had returned home to claim my sorrow, my guilt, my incomprehension, my fears and offer my love and forgiveness to myself and all.

The Darkness was so deep into my blood, it began to turn into Light. The light and the darkness merged and I saw that it was the same, but different.

The Golden Tao.

The threads of my new life begin to create the new form for this phase. Its delicate shape arises little by little with threads of gold from the extraordinary of the ordinary.

With Love and thanks for all that has been, and for all that has yet to come.

Kindness, no strings attached

I’m so tired of one hand giving while the other hand holds a list of clauses that go with it.

Somebody offered me something. Then, when things didn’t go as they wanted, they took it away.

I felt a sudden horror of dishonour. But, then I searched my own nature, and I’m sure I’ve done it too.

Given something, even a smile, and expected one in return.

How often do we really give? Honestly give. Give with out no thought of what someone is going to do with that gift. No thought of return. No thought of consequences. A true gift of love. How often do we give without a silent but heavy back pack full of ‘buts’?

So, instead of laying in bed and thinking negative thoughts, I will slowly turn myself into the person I wish other people were. I invite you to come with me. One day at a time – to give with true kindness, no strings attached.

(and honestly - I don't mind if you don't do it! You're off the hook for this one.)

Men!! They figured it out some time ago -

Lollipops and Roses

Tell her you care, each time you speak,

Make it her birthday each day of the week,

Bring her nice things, sugar an' spice things,

Roses an' Lollipops,

An' Lollipops and Roses . . .

One day she’ll smile, next day she’ll cry,

Minute to minute, you’ll never know why!

Coax her, pet her, better yet get her,

Roses an' Lollipops,

An' Lollipops and Roses . . .

We try acting grown up, but as a rule,

We’re all little children, fresh from school . . .

So, carry her books, that’s how it starts,

Fourteen to forty, they’re kids in their hearts . . .

Keep them handy, flowers an' candy,

Roses an' Lollipops,

An' Lollipops and Roses . . .

Words and Music by Tony Velona, 1962

The Economic Crisis and Inner Withdrawal

Coming back to Europe, we hear on the television and amongst people we speak with stories about how the economic crisis has affected them.

We were in Australia when the crash announced itself, and have been travelling in South East Asia for the last four months. People there say that there are less tourists than last year.

There has been a slight increase in break ins and robberies around here (Granollers, Spain), and I expect that it’s a common effect of harder economic times across the world.

During this time, there is fear in the air. The media and the people you know are filled with the hardships approaching. It tends to create a reaction of withdrawal from activities within the community and especially from foreigners.

In times of hardship, it’s a time to pool together, not prise ourselves further apart. It’s a time to give, because there is obvious need under our own eyes. What ever we have, let’s forge strong links and share it. By sharing it, it increases. By holding on tight, we concentrate on our lack and our fears and create our own misery.

If we have a view of each other as brothers and sisters, we will help each other.

Somebody stole a mobile phone and a camera and fell to their death as a result while trying to escape.

How many of us have a spare mobile at home? How many of us have a camera, or two, that are not used? Would it make a difference to the people with less, if the richer gave a bit more. Perhaps its even worth giving, to help elevate your own fears of being robbed or discriminated against because you have more than enough.

Sharing increases your wealth. It spreads good will and peace, not just at Christmas, but all through the year.

Holding onto your fears, worrying and playing it ‘safe’ leads to withdrawal and increase in negativity. Let’s not invite more trouble than we already have.

Tolerance

Tolerance is the key to any conversation.

Listening is the door to opening your understanding.

Let your opinions be sand castles. Build them up with true intention to show your ideas, but let the tide and the winds blow them down once they’ve served your purpose.

Before every other consideration. We are humans. Together. All communication can begin from this basic understanding.

On Being Human is Now On Being One With Life

Hi everyone!
Hello Tiffany!

Hello

So - what happened in October?
It was my birthday - I turned 37....

I feel fantastic - and, happily, magically and most importantly - I've embraced my life...

in some way, this is what I wanted, this year, without knowing it.. I've been away from my 'normal life' for a year... to take a year to be me - to figure out what it is that I'm suppose to do - to learn - instead of teach... and bang...

I took a step off the ledge... and now - I'm on the other side ---

of belief of faith of trust of life

The world is new - and yes, a new day is here....

Love, life, flow, tao, love, spirit, oneness, truth, beauty, love, here, now, life, cells, light, bright, ever, truth, love, god, creator, source, all, one, being....

Love to you all -

Tiffany

Bringing back the power of the talisman

Its funny, how we’ve been fighting to bring ration into the world – fighting the backward thinking of the past – and now the self is so superficial, we have to dig up the old traditions to bring some meaning back to our heartless state.

My son is sensitive. He’s fearful and susceptible to negative suggestion.

We were walking around a market today – and he saw a bracelet that he liked. It was made of wood – and quite bulky for his little wrist. He wanted to buy it.

Before I could think (often a good thing in my experience) I explained that because the bracelet was made of wood – it would act as a protective tree force for him. That it would help him to feel safe and connected to the earth – that it would give him strong roots, like a tree. If he wore it…

He wanted it. We bough it – and as he put it on, and waved his hand – his eyes lit up – ‘mum- I felt an explosion! I waved my hand and just here (at his heart area) I heard an explosion.’ His eyes were shining – and he kept touching the bracelet.

Later, I explained that he’d need to ‘charge’ the bracelet again – by putting at the roots of a strong tree he admired where ever he was. He needed to visualise the bracelet being zapped with positive energy and regaining its positive effect – and then it would be strong and clean again…
He’s been patting it and taking very good care of it since.

Honestly, he looks happier and more relaxed than he did before. The words came out of my intuition – not from my rational mind…. And I’m realising how much my own disbelief in my intuition has hurt him. He’s a natural emotional and intuitive person – and because I didn’t validate myself – I didn’t validate him… and he knows this – its why he doesn’t feel safe in this world. Because I don’t let him.

But now – its going to be different… Today he’s said he loves me three times – with real delight and intensity – and I know its because I let him be him – just as I am letting me be me…

Thanks be to all for letting this miracle open up and change our lives.

the impossible?

So this morning I woke up ‘whole’. I’d been feeling torn in all directions, and now, I feel whole and centred – and I know that this is just the beginning of my real journey. It’s a whole new world.
So I awake and have this presence beside me – it answers questions and just ‘sits there’ – its really weird to me – I can feel it – its heavy even… I wonder what else will happen here…
Anyway – Now – because I’ve opened up the possibilities of my intuition – the open vessel – the being a servant of the ‘power’ – or what ever it is… (naming it seems to limit it to me and I resist) –

I hear – tell your mother – so, I am ‘afraid’ … in some way. I know my mother – and she is VERY anti god – and I resist – but I am pushed – and I wonder what to say – and how to start the conversation – and it says – just open your mouth and the words will come out –
So I did – and there … it was that difficult…
My mother has already, this morning, gone down to the library to get more information – to use her intuition and get herself a book – she is willing to open up her consciousness – she could be powerful – she has strong sense of spirits – she just refuses to believe it … and I asked her to please stop denying it.. that it hurts both me and my son – and he is a sensitive too – and we can not let him have a half life….

So – this person I didn’t expect to response as she did, so easily and so happily – just goes and does the thing I thought could be the impossible! J

Life is amazingly simple … simply amazing…

For parents

If you are a parent -

listen more and judge less.

The more you judge them, the more the child feels

1) insecure

2) secretive

3) alienated

4) resentful

5) misunderstood.

Advice - love them, help them to feel safe with what they have as a personality - and this requires you, the adult - to shut up more and listen.

My relationship the symbol of ANZAC

“My relationship to the ANZAC” in response to the question ‘what is the meaning of ANZAC to you personally?’

Its not so simple. Its all tied up to a certain ‘coming of age’ experience I’ve been avoiding for most of my life.

For more details of what happened, you can read it here – http://dragonflies-draw-flame.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-i-lost-my-innocence.html

Basically, after running for 35 years of my life, I discovered another shade to the meaning of responsibility.

I wanted to engage in an aware, responsible, adult relationship with my country. I wanted to become a contributing member of our society. Someone who put their action where there bad tempered mumbling once was.

Though, when it came to the idea of ANZAC, I had to revise what I had previously thought.

I remember marching when I was under 6, drumming in the early morning parade for the local RSL. You had to be quiet for a whole minute. And stock still. While the drum sticks wanted to keep drumming.

I recoiled from ANZAC day parades as I grew older, seeing them as a celebration and reminder of aspects of white Australia that I didn’t like.

Racism, aggression, short sightedness, ignorance, blindly being pawns of political power, mindless Aussie cheering, arrogance united with stupidity.

Here I am, on my rediscovery of Australia, ready to reveal a new meaning for ANZAC day.

I don’t want to take away from the past. I want to try to understand, in the context of the times, the motivation, the patriotism, and the feelings of sacrifice associated with war. I don’t want to judge people for what has happened. I just want to say I remember, I’m sorry for it, it’s a SHARED history and it has made our present. We need to learn from the past and forge a new path to move into the future.

We were in the Cloncurry Library when I picked up a book entitled The Last ANZAC’s. Lest we forget, written and photographed by Tony Stephens and Steven Stewert. In it, I read words that gave me hope and inspired me to write positively of my new understanding of ANZAC day.

The Last ANZAC’s.

Doug Dibley ‘It does deem to be to be a peculiar world in which we live when we can not think of any other way of settling disputes, without murdering one another.’

Tom Epps ‘The are not days about the glory of war or about Nationalism, but a lesson in the futility of war. I was brainless, but I’m not sorry I went. It taught me how stupid the politicians and military can be. They were boneheads. The 1914-18 war was a mass murder. 99% of war is stupid.’

‘If there is no other way of settling arguments, the human race should be exterminated.’

Roy Kyle ‘Empires come and go. Enemies become friends, friends become enemies. Everything changes. Little lasts.’

Roy Longmore ‘They’re no good, these wars. A lot of lives lost, no use at all. There’s got to be another way of fixing up these rows without killing each other.’

Ted Mathews (famously) ‘Some people call us ‘five-bob-a-day’ murderers, but the politicians were the murderers. Politicians make up the wars. They don’t go to them.’

Jack Buntime – His ‘early life taught him the value of the family’.

Alec Campbell – He ‘insisted that all his children receive good educations and grow up to think for them selves’.

Just as a child grows, so does a country. Just as we mimic our elders, so does the country look to older models as a guide on how to be a nation. And just as the child grows into adult hood and develops the need to express itself in its own way, so does the people of each country. And we have the voice. We have the freedom, if we choose it, to learn from the mistakes of the past, and to create a new way of ‘settling arguments’, ‘fixing up rows’, ‘settling disputes’.

We can learn. We can shake our head to our parents and say, no, I don’t want to follow your footsteps any more. Our parents might threaten us, they might bully us, they might take away our privileges, but it’s the right of a growing nation to take the blows happily, knowing that every step it takes in a new direction, on its own, it gains freedom and learning and respect.

Its ok to admit we were wrong. Its ok to start again, to try again, and make it better this time.

But learn from the past we must. Don’t let their lives be a waste. Learn from what they have said. Find new ways to talk about our differences.

And it starts with you. And with me. Violence in the home, in the school yard, in the work place, in the pubs. Commit to ‘another way’ to settle arguments. Explore channels of communication. What works? What doesn’t? How many people have to die because they should learn their lesson?

Their history is our history, weather we take heed of it or not. I just want to say I acknowledge what went on, and I’m sorry for it. Our combined understanding and voice can make a difference.

The above was written as a response to a personal query I received. I have used edited material from a previous post http://journals.worldnomads.com/allwelcome/post/18563.aspx I wrote earlier this year.

Passion and Ration

Some guidelines for dealing with the passion with a dash of ration.

“The unfortunate thing about passionate subjects such as patriotism is that some people can tend to become defensive if they perceive their values are being attacked.” *

Let’s admit it. We want everyone to agree with us and to believe what we say without criticism.

Then we get a little more experience, and discover that the ideals and the beliefs we held so dear when we were teenagers, have, thankfully, been toned down with experience and a better understanding of the complexities of life.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Some points to consider before engaging in discussion

1) Are you offering your opinions so that other people can discuss them?

2) Do you just want to have your say?

3) Will you be offended if someone disagrees with you, or offers another opinion?

4) Why are you on a group called ‘debate’, if you just want to shout from a megaphone?

5) ? I’m sure there are lots of other points and you are welcome to point them out.


What are values?

Values are the things we hold dear to us. They are valuable. They are the words we say when we see our friends and family in dire straights, when we see injustice on the TV and we suffer over because often, they don’t really mirror the reality of the world we live in.

Values undergo change, depending on how much money we have, depending on how much we want it, depending on what our friends think, depending on what era we are born in, depending on, well, many things.

If values can change so much, where is the inherent truth in them, and why do we give them so much importance?

If we can perceive our values are attacked, we become defensive. Its true, isn’t it? So, if we know, that our values have changed in our own life time, and would have changed depending on if we were born a Turk, or born a German Jew in 1925, if you were born in any one else’s shoes other than your own, then… we can see that there are many things that can attack our value system, and no wonder we feel so defensive all of the time. Because everything is challenging us all of the time. Isn’t it?

So, how can we win?

By being aware. By being tolerant, and realizing that not everything can be won by screaming. Screaming it louder than anyone else doesn’t make it right. It just makes it annoying.

Discussion, where there is a civil volley of response, is ideal. Sometimes I serve, some times you serve. Sometimes you floor me with an ace, and sometimes I bamboozle you with technique. Its all ok. Its just words.

Remember, you can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.

Comments welcome.

* Written to me in private correspondance

How I lost my innocence

For some reason, I knew that traveling around Australia was going to be the breaking point for me. Perhaps that’s why I left 12 years ago – to avoid the mantle of responsibility.

I’ve traveled around little pockets of the world, but I didn’t see how its existence was my concern. It existed before me. It was doing its thing without any interference from me. I was just taking a look.

I’ve heard the stereotypes about Australia. The legend of Steve Irwin. The horror of our creepy crawlies. The wonder of Kylie. Aussie girls rule. Oh, and aren’t we a racist lot?

I keep trying to pin point the exact moment everything fell apart. The sudden jolt of awareness that shifted my perspective and destroyed my unadulterated joy in shopping, in music, in eating, in driving in a car, in relationships, in the meaning of life and the purpose of my existence.

Of course, there is not just one point… the more I look at it, I can see the seed being sown some 20 years before. The seed has just outgrown its case and needed a different nutrient for its growth.

About two months ago, I read an essay written by Edmund Burke. In it, I read these words

‘society is indeed a contract …. It is not a partnership in things subservient only to the gross animal existence of a temporary and perishable nature. It is a partnership in all art; a partnership in all virtue, and in all perfection..... each contract of each particular state is but a clause in the great primeval contract of eternal society, linking the lower with the higher natures, connecting the visible and invisible world…..’

I threw the book down. I felt my head burning. I turned to my partner and started yelling obscenities because I felt abused, robbed, shocked and outraged.

I was reading Burke because C.W. Parkin wrote ‘Burke … believes that the world is a unity, that society, for all its complexity, its heights and depths, forms part of a harmony of nature.’

I’m researching members of the different educational disciplines who view our world through the perspective of unity.

A great part of life consists in contemplating what we cannot
cure. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

Burke’s words horrified me. To my way of thinking, it was inferring that the unwritten contract, that I was even unaware of, existed between me and the society I was, errr, mostly a bored, and at most, a disdainful observer and occasional mumble-complainer.

Me? In a contract with society? A relationship existed between us? An unwritten contract? Something that was just a given? Passed on from generation to generation? Why didn’t somebody spell this out to me? I spoke to my mother, and do you know what she said?

‘I don’t understand what you mean. If its not a written contract, its not worth the paper its written on. You can’t even tear it up. You’re talking tommy rot and you’ve been taken for a ride.’

But now I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. ~Umberto Eco, Foucault's Pendulum


I look at her with a feeling of doom, I take a breath, and I explain the idea of an unwritten contract in words I hope she will understand. The ‘taking for granted’ of certain things in personal relationships. The unspoken rules in relationships governing mother and child, father and son, mate and mate’s girlfriend. Maybe we don’t speak about so often, and usually its not written down, but the ‘rules’ exist. The contract between you and your spouse, or you and your parents exist weather its written or not.

And the idea of validating an unwritten contract between myself and society just hadn’t occurred to me before.

It knocked my socks off.

If your eyes are open, and you suddenly see what you couldn’t before, do you just ignore it and keep doing what you were doing before, or do you throw in the towel and stand up to the line?

Throw in the towel of ignorance is what.

Stand up to the line of responsibility is what.

It reminded me of the moment I knew, for sure, that I was pregnant. I’d never liked children and thought of them as repulsive little snot filled terrorists. But when the double stroke glowed that vomit inducing pale pink, there wasn’t, for me, a moment to contemplate ‘ignoring it’. I couldn’t. My life changed for ever. My attitude changed for ever. I could no longer be as selfish as I was. It was a foul swing at my short sighted selfishness and cured me of some stupidity. But it was tough at the time. I felt I’d ridden up against a brick wall.

Now it seems I’m ready to go the next step into the wider world. Me and society.

Stepping up to the line. Accepting responsibility for my half of the contract.

I’m still pulling at the bit. I’m still trying to find the balance between my sense of duty to what I feel I have discovered and just wanting to toss it all aside and live in Thailand somewhere getting massages and swimming in pristine waters… What am I doing? Why do I care?
And this brings us back to the first seed, and the beginning of everything.

I was 14 when I was left with my grandparents for a holiday. Two weeks later, my step mother calls me and tells me over the phone that now I’m living with my grandparents.

The grand illusion of childhood is that your parents, no matter what they do, are right and good and, this is important, know what they are doing. That is, that they are conscious of what they are doing.

We all know that we don’t know what we are doing, but a child probably feels safer if they believe we are some sort of semi-god.

All of us suffer disillusionment in stages we’re not conscious of, or in one giant dive.

I couldn’t maintain the illusion any more. I lay in my fold up bed in the lounge of my grandparent’s house and bit by bit, all of the repressed information I had about my parents burst upon me in a flood.

The one thing I judged them on, and am still their greatest critic, is their lack of responsibility. So, of course, if I judge another for not being responsible, how, if I am faced with information that increases my responsibility to the world, can I ignore it?

For me, its impossible.

So here I am. Signing, in my own way, my side of the unwritten contract between me and society.

I wonder if society knows what it has unleashed?

I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I'm not absolutely sure of anything, and many things I don't know anything about, such as whether it means anything to ask why we're here, and what the question might mean. I might think about it a little bit, but if I can't figure it out, then I go on to something else. But I don't have to know an answer.... I don't feel frightened by not knowing things, by being lost in the mysterious universe without having any purpose, which is the way it really is, as far as I can tell, possibly. It doesn't frighten me. ~Richard Phillips Feynman

Why do we need to control our emotions?

‘But I want to feel alive. I want to feel the emotions course through me. I want to be taken away.’

The Chinese doctor shook his head, almost imperceptibly pursed his lips, handed me some herbs and shooed me out the door.

I think of that moment with a mixture of amusement, disbelief and embarrassment.

Amused with my youthful insistence on defending the rights of uncontrolled emotional impulses.

Disbelief that I could be so naïve.

Embarrassment that I didn’t take shut my mouth and just listen.

I had booked the appointment with the doctor because I was suffering migraines. I was 17 and dependant on anti-depressants and prescription headache prevention tablets. I was taking 4 different tablets a day.

I knew that I was in a bad state, at such an age, and I wanted an alternative.
But when I went in for advice, I didn’t listen. I just defended my own choices stubbornly.

So, what have I learnt in the last 20 years?

Why is control of our emotions important?

Generally speaking, we can put the emotions into two groups. Emotions that enhance our feelings of wellbeing, and emotions that destroy our feelings of wellbeing.

Enhancers Destroyers
Happiness Sadness
Delight Dissatisfaction


Then, we can think of emotions that enhance our wellbeing of the moment, but later on, we feel regretful and often curse our stupidity. There are examples to the contrary, but they are a handful compared to the majority of stories I have heard.


Positive Emotions that usually fall through with time
- In love sensations
- Excitement linked to gambling, drugs, any obsessive behaviour.
- Patriotism when inspired by a moving speech but time shows was just a vote catcher.
- Happiness related to retail therapy

Now while we can never be really sure about the final outcome of the emotions we are experiencing, experience guides us to take it easy, and not follow your heart in all cases.

Sometimes there are emotions that make us feel bad at the moment, but after some time, the effects of that emotion actually enhance our life quality.

Emotions that destroy us temporarily, and can lead to life enhancement
- Guilt
- Regret
- Embarrassment
- Hitting rock bottom leaves us only one place to go (if we do not give into the temptation of suicide) – up
- Anger


Again, its about exercising some control, some ration, some wisdom.

Every situation is different, but if we don’t temper our emotions with the learnings of our experience, then we remain a victim of our emotional swings.

Emotions can be wonderful to ride them at the moment, and they can cause us deep regret.

Observing our emotions, understanding our triggers and endeavoring to exhibit some control is, in my opinion, the necessary work of responsible people aware of the importance of relationships and communication.

A great story about anger - http://magazine.byu.edu/g/?act=view&a=152

I’d rather lose hate than weight - http://theuniverseandhumanstupidity.wordpress.com/

Why do we lie to our children?

.

Story telling and its original purpose


Mum said ‘When did your parents tell you that? Were you at a young age, were you putting things into your ears?’

Albert had just retold a story about a relative finding a bead inside of his ear, after suffering weeks of pain.

My mother’s obvious conclusion was that Albert’s parents were trying to teach Albert a lesson about not putting things into his ears. In other words, she thought that his parents told Albert an untrue story that would help him to live a life free of ear pain induced by putting random objects into his ear.

Today, we don’t really tell our children these kind of stories. We are more likely to tell them ‘facts’, like eating too many sweets will produce plaque and thus more visits to the dentist and subsequently more pain.

It doesn’t seem to be having much impact on their sweet intake, but it makes us feel like we are not lying to our children, that we are being informative and educational, not like our superstitious parents forcing us not to walk under ladders and something about throwing salt over the left shoulder.

But what was the original meaning behind the stories we once told?

I was recently traveling around outback Australia, and I came across informative centers where I read many stories where animals spoke and lessons were learnt about how to take care of the land, and how to share water and the consequences of not heeding the lesson of the stories.

Some Australian Indigenous groups are amongst the oldest surviving nomadic peoples in the world. They had a relatively untouched (by outside influences) culture until only 200 years ago, perhaps leading us to a broader understanding of how societies emerged and evolved over time.

I saw on the TV an indigenous program where an older male was repeating stories to a child (of about 2 years old) about someone needing help, and the elder repeated ‘give away your things’, while simultaneously wiping the child’s palm away from the body.

I don’t have a lot of research about this topic, but even if we look back to our own childhoods, some of the stories had a moral purpose, like ‘The boy who cried wolf’ and 'King Midas'. They were not true stories, they are what we term fables or fairytales, and they were told with the preposition that what we tell children should help equip them for an adult life where one’s behavior will have consequences – don’t tell lies or people won’t believe you anymore. If you only chase after gold, in the end you’ll end up only with material goods and nothing else.

Today we don’t have a lot of time for stories. Today we tell facts. We tell facts about tooth decay and eating to much will make you fat and if you don’t study you won’t get a good job and we dress our children in designer wear so that they’ll fit in to a social group and we indulge there need for brand sneakers (because we understand) and we leave them in front of the television for the stories we used to tell.

Imagine. Sitting around a fireside, listening to the deep voice of your grandfather while you are gently held by your older sister, or your mother. You hear a story about helping each other in times of need. The story has drama and passion and everyone’s face is lit up with the light of the flames from the centre of your family and friends.

Imagine. Sitting around a television, listening to canned laughter and the nasal intonation of a smart mouthed teenager girl dressed in the best designer jeans you’ve seen. You’re alone because everyone else is watching their own TV in their own room. You hear a story about a boyfriend sleeping with a best friend and how a gun man terrorized a school in a state in North America you didn’t know existed and still can’t remember what state it was. The story has drama and a certain irony because you knew that the boy wasn’t to be trusted and the gunman was probably being ignored at a girl at his school and there is no one beside you on the lounge.

The television is telling the moral stories our children are listening to.

How many times have you though ‘I wonder where he/she gets that from?’

You know where. The TV is teaching our children the values of our society.

Its teaching the glory of the United States of America. The glory of the mighty dollar. That status is in brand names. That self value is dictated by how pretty, thin, and rich you are. Its teaching the value of short term pleasure over long term happiness.

We used to lie to our children to encourage them to be safe, to help them in social interaction, to enhance their wellbeing.

We lie to our children now that we don’t have time for them. But we have 30 minutes to browse on the internet. We have 30 minutes to indulge in our favorite magazine. We have 30 minutes for our selves. Then we let the TV do the rest of the talking.

My secret

I have a plan.

A plan to shock and shift the values in our society.

I am researching the commons in our unity. The fabrications, the illusions, the positives, the negatives.

When I have a handful of strings from the diversity of thought from systems like politics, economics, psychologists, scientists, I will draw them together and weave a strong rope.

These strings will represent the strong undercurrent of sweeping social change I can feel emerging with every beat of my heart.

We will focus our energies on the things we have in common.

- Our belief in making decisions based on our long term happiness over short term pleasure

- Our commitment to understanding our responsibility in our position of affluence

- Our belief in living our ‘ideals’ – authenticity

- Our commitment to humanities future through caring for and forging stronger, supportive relationships to our children

- Our understanding of the environmental crisis we are facing with countries such as India and China desiring to consume as much as we do, and understanding our entire system needs overhauling if we are to survive

Take a look at www.wellbeingmanifesto.net for more ideas.

Why?

Because we are ugly. We are superficial. We are disillusioned. We are depressed. We are alcoholics. We are drug addicts. We don’t care. We try retail therapy. We try binge drinking. We try buying more. We numb our brain with TV, computers, sex, romance, music and more shopping. We try screaming. We try not giving a damn. We try to blind ourselves with the flag. We try to drink more. We are angry. We are sad. We can’t believe it . We hate life. We are hurt. We can’t go on. We go missing. We want to escape. We are chained. We are hypnotized by the TV telling us that we must be young, pretty/handsome, rich. People disappoint us. Politicians disappoint us. We laugh so as not to cry. That we must buy this car, this mobile, this hairstyle, this magazine. We try divorce, we try to be single, we try to suicide. We hate our friends and our families. We think the world sucks.

And it does. It really does.

The only way to stop it, is for you to stop it. The only way.

Stop the lies, the deceit, the hurt in your own soul. Turn off the TV. Use your internet time with thought instead of feeling ‘trapped’ by it. Its all up to you.

And I believe in the power of you. I believe it, because the alternative is too terrible for me contemplate. I am blind. Blinded by my faith in humanity. In its ability to grow and develop and learn from its mistakes.

And all it takes, is for you to believe too. And then, I am a we. And we, together, can make a difference.

Why are you talking?

I’m listening to conversations around me. Nobody seems to be listening. Everyone is just talking. What the point?

Do you talk to communicate your ideas, or just to hear your self speak?

If you talk to hear yourself speak, then you can stop reading here, cause I’m talking to the other group.

We talk to communicate an idea. And if we are open minded, we talk, so that someone can hear our ideas, and maybe give us feedback on what we’ve said. That, in other words, is a conversation of sorts.

Lets take a point I’ve just over heard.

Bob – I don’t like the penalties in Soccer.

Artie – Well, they have to decide somehow after the game, how to settle who the winner is.

Bob – Yeah, but I don’t like ‘em.

Artie – Yeah, well, I guess they are not [blah blah blah]

This is a trivial example, but it illustrates how we talk, and how we don’t listen.

Bob merely wants to state his opinion. He doesn’t want to hear about the whys or why nots. He just wants to say what he thinks. For Bob to open his mind to further information, he will first need his statement heard. So, Artie needs to say something like ‘Yes (affirmation that I have heard your opinion) many people don’t like the penalties in soccer. (slight pause)’ And now is the opportunity Artie has to say what he wants to say.
But if Artie wants Bob to hear, then he must first hear what Bob has said. Bob will feel validated, even if Artie doesn’t agree with him, and he will then be more willing to hear what Artie has to say.

Point is – figure out why you are taking. If its just to talk, then keep going – no one will stop you. But if you want to be heard, you will have to take into account the stuffing between the ears of the one you want to talk to.

Seth Godwin talks about knowing the brain you are talking to in ‘All marketers are liars’, if you want a bit more information. Its not the low down on communication skills, but its an informative book designed to get people thinking about what they are saying and who they are saying to.

The Gyre

The ever widening circle of your life

I have always made myself lists. I’m a list maker and list ticker offerer, and a list throw awayer. Sometimes they work, and some time they don’t, depending, funnily enough, on if I honestly believe in the list.

I think I’ve found a way to increase my belief in my list making. And here it is – the gyre.

I also think it will be helpful in introducing social awareness and our interconnectedness to our world at large.

A gyre is a circle, a vortex, expanding or contracting and descriptive model for its current purposes.

I don’t have the soft ware to present it to you as I would like, but here is the gist of the thing.

In the centre, as we all know, is ME.

For the purpose of the display, and not to be egotistical in any way shape or form, I will use my own name as the first example.

From now on, it will be known as ‘Tiffany’s Gyre’.


Tiffany’s Gyre

As stated, the centre of the vortex is me.

Tiffany
Around the immediate centre, is the things I believe to make up me. These include my physical self, my mental self and my spiritual self.

Now, each one of these selves can be looked at more deeply. For example, Tiffany’s physical self and her relationship/responsibility to it. So, I write down that I like to practice yoga daily and qigong when I have the time.

I may like to include, on further reflection, that I like to have massage, indulge in toe cleaning at regular intervals, and tooth brushing. So on and so forth. You can see how each list can expand with refection. Some of these things we do without giving thought or time to (toothbrushing) and others, we need to find time during our day for (yoga).

So we make a choice with the limited time that we have.

By writing down and becoming aware of each need and demand of the body, we can start to make effective choices about what we spend our time on. We get to know ourselves a little better with every stroke of the pen.

It may seem rather obvious at this level, but as we move further outwards into our gyre, you will see the benefits of awareness and subsequent increased choice.

The second circle, I have titled Immediate Circle of Responsibility. You may call yours what seems more appropriate for your lifestlye. For me, this includes the house I am living in and the people I am living with. The duties/responsibilities to each entity needs to be looked at and clearly understood, if we are not to be a victim of letting time pass us by and not saying and doing the things we ought to have done.

Increased consciousness of our selves and our relationships enhance our life quality. This is a fact.

The third circle is called the Second circle of responsibility. This circle includes, for me, friends. Of course, each subgroup can be further explored and taken into consideration. I will do an example of how to further explore a group at the end of the post.

The fourth circle is Society’s Circle, and includes my area Helensvale, the library and community centre.

The fifth group is the wider community circle – and includes the gold coast city council, my state, my country, my geographical position in the world and then, finally, my responsibility and relationship to the world.

Exploring a link.

Let’s take an easy example.

In my second circle Immediate Circle of Responsibility, I have my mother. I have to put the situation into context. I’m spending one year living very close to my mother, but usually we have half the world between us. To make the best use of the time, I need to be fully aware that at this time next year, I will not be seeing her. I have no plans to come back and see her in the foreseeable future.

So, when I think of my relationship towards my mother, I try to understand the things that I like and the things that I see as my duty, or my responsibility towards her.

Perhaps, even if I don’t have the time of the will, I will sit with her and discuss her boredom with life, or her lack of employment skills for her age, or her worries about her other children and grandchildren. At the same time, I encourage an opening of her mind to subjects I think she should consider, like fair trade coffee, and volunteering on the Gold Coast.

Perhaps I’ll offer to make dinner. Or help her in the garden. Small things that if I didn’t sit and write about and consider in a rational way, I would overlook.

Some other examples are easier to follow through.

My relationship to the world.

What is it? How do I feel about the world at large? Do I care about the entity of the world? Well, there are a lot of people who do, and I can, with the aid of the internet, become aware of their concerns and see if I also think similarly. Perhaps I’ll even be open minded enough to take on a new concern, if I am aware of issues at a world scale.

But, I wouldn’t know anything if I didn’t have my self in the centre, and an ever increasing circle of awareness developing around me.

Comments?

The Billowing Acrid Smoke of Worthless Chatter

In the Words of My Perfect Teacher, the author Patrul Rinpoche, writes that of the ten negative acts to be avoided, ‘worthless chatter’ is listed along sided sexual misconduct, stealing and killing.

When I first read it, I thought its place in the top ten was perhaps a bit of over kill.

But that was before I was subjected to my mother.

To contextualize.

I’ve been living abroad for 11 years. I’ve been deliberately cocooning my self in the way of life that I chose. My ideas, my philosophies, my eating habits, my life style choices. Admittedly, it was in direct negation of, or reaction to many of the experiences I had seen and/or endured while growing up.

I’ve moved back to Australia, and we’re staying with my mother on and off for one year. Then we’ll be moving back to Europe.

As Albert says when he thinks I’m being particularly trying ‘Paciència el Senyor!’

My mother is one of the most negative thinkers I have ever come across. Perhaps I should say, she’s the most vocal negative thinkers I have heard.

I was listening to her negative twist on recent events in her life (and honestly, the details are not important, if it wasn’t this, it would be that), and she then proceeded to call three more people to tell them her version of events, and then my step father came home, and she started to talk about it again. To her, she’s just talking. She has no idea how her words are rippling outwards and effecting more than just the moment.

I’ve heard it all day long. I don’t know how she can be happy thinking and talking like that. Of course, she’s not. She’s unhappy and often unwell. But that’s not for here. (IE I’ll write about it in another post)

It was painful for me. (And Albert, since he had to listen to me complain about her as well as listen to her… ) I saw her negative, thoughtless talk (because she is not consciously a vicious person, she’s just a victim of negative patterns and lack of awareness of the law of cause and effect) spread around her like pollution. And that’s when it hit me that the words of Patrul Rinpoche were more insightful than I first gave credit for.

Consider mind and body issues are my living. I’m suppose to help people like this. Usually I get paid for it, but in this case, my payment will be a peaceful household for the next 8 months. (Oh yeah, and good karma points.)

It made me start thinking about how a few negative words could have such a detrimental effect on the self and others. Its acts like a billowing black smoke on all who come in contact with it.

So I went back to the book, and had another look.


Speaking negatively has a lot of demerit points


- It inflicts negativity upon others


- It spreads hurt, anger, pain


- It disturbs them from their path


- Negative talk often springs from desire, bitterness, hatred, jealousy, or to throw it all together, bad feelings in general


- Negative words act like a bad apple in a barrel, the rot spreading



Its our duty, as responsible, conscious people, consider what we are saying. What is the motivation of our words?



Is it to bring love, happiness, joy, understanding to the world, or is it to spread hurt, pain, bitterness and the holding of grudges?