Forty Fat and UnFit

What happened exactly?

Of course my life changed dramatically when I left Norway 8 years ago. I was a fitness instructor in a busy gym. I trained regularly on top of the classes I had and I knew my place in the world. I was a yoga teacher and I was multi skilled in the fitness arena. I was versatile and could take Pilates, core strength classes, kids classes, rehab classes. I even created a fitness belly dance class. That was the centre of my life.

First comes love, then comes the Marriage.

My little family of three moved and we travelled around south east Asia and to Australia. We were on the move for two years. I home schooled my son and I practised yoga and when I could. I even practised by the river Ganges. We did pilgrimages to sacred sites and I prayed, meditated and I felt like I was deepening my awareness of life and spirit. 

Settling Down

We moved to this apartment in Granollers Catalonia about 6 years ago. I'm about to get my residency permit. So for 6 years I haven't been able to work, legally. There have been some loopholes that some people have been willing to fall in, so I have been working on and off when I could. 

My role changed from single independent mother, bread earner, creator and manager of my destiny to mother, cook, cleaner, supportive partner and occasional teacher. I felt disempowered. My heart and mind hadn't caught up to my reality. Yes, I blogged about my experiences. Yes I trained and walked and explored. Yes I tried to do the best I could with what I had, but a fundamental flaw remained. 

Then Comes the Baby Sitting in the Carriage 

We had a baby. It really got between me and who I thought I was. My need to be a good mother was fighting with my need to be a yoga teacher. Both were failing. I suffered some problems towards the end of my pregnancy. My skin was itching terribly. I had pain in my back. I felt alone, tired and ridiculous. What was I doing, a forty something without many friends or family around her having a baby? Was I crazy? There is no financial support here in Spain, for a baby. The father gets two weeks leave. My family were in Australia. If I didn't have a compulsive cleaning teenage son and Kate my best friend here, I would have fallen off the deep end.  Albert works long hours. He's often out of the house twelve hours a day. I can tell you vomit, a demanding baby, being three days unshowered, the house work getting out of control can send anyone over the edge. Don't even get me started on lack of sleep. Lydia at 2 years and 3 months has just started sleeping better, and I do believe it's one of the reasons I'm feeling so much better. 

Basically sweet pastry became my best friend. I have been known to go on a walk and stop in every single bakery along the way, just for a little something. Yes. And I lied about it. Actually, about a year ago I realised I was a binge eater. I had no idea. I just seemed to blank out. I was lying about the food I was eating. I started to think about food more, and it's control over me. I blogged a bit about it last year. That was shedding some light on who I had become. Someone I didn't recognise. 

Where is Your Self Esteem Plugged In?

I didn't realise I was getting my self esteem from my strong athletic body. But I was. So if I was fat and flabby, how do you think my self esteem was talking to me every day I looked in the mirror? 

I didn't realise that I was used to getting support from my social group and my work. I used to be praised often. I used to be called upon to shed light on a matter. People contacted me to help solve problems. And here, I was nobody. Nobody was calling me. Nobody was telling me I was special and gifted and an angel. Here I felt ignored. Looked over. Unimportant. And I was in a rage about it. My little me was shouting all the time 'what about me? I am important too! I am somebody' 

But the fact is, I used to be a somebody. Then I became a nobody. And now, I am just me. I don't need the approval  of others. I'm not looking for it. I am not in the self pity game of 'poor little me' - I've been there and done that. It's not for me. No label for me just now. And breathe.

Who am I?

I still considered myself a yoga teacher first. A teacher. And I wasn't. I was failing. I was two sizes bigger than I was before I was pregnant.  And as the years went by, I discovered I was becoming embittered, frustrated, angry. At everything and everyone. Because they were in the way of who I thought I was.

Thank God for having a change of mind, a change of heart. Thank God for learning about yourself and being able to flick a switch on in your darkest moments. 

And here I am, rebuilding my life based on who I am at the moment. I wrote a bit about it before, but I can't tell you enough how important this moment has been to me. 

From frustrated and impotent yoga teacher to fulfilled mother, determined house keeper, loving cook, and heartfelt companion to my family. Like I've said before, I still teach sometimes. And I have other part time jobs, including a new online jewellery shop. But number one is my two year old daughter. I will not spend one more second wishing for something I don't have, consciously or not. I am filled to the brim with my life here. If only I let it in. And not see it as 'worse', or 'failing'. How can being an attentive mother to a darling girl be a failing?! How could I think I needed to do more to be more to achieve more? 

And do you know what? My headaches stopped. And the pain in my neck stopped. I'm smiling again. And exercising. I feel like fruit instead of chocolate. I still feel like chocolate, just not as much. And I'm just buzzing with life and creativity. I can feel the spirit move within me. My vision has started buzzing. 

Conscious Archetypal Shift! It's possible and it's wonderful.

I've even started thinking in poetry again, and that's always a sign I'm plugged into the source of Life. 

My Previous Attempts to Deal with Food Issues

Q: Since you've become an adult, how have has your relationship to food evolved? 

As a teenager I was well known to be a chocoholic. I used to be able to eat a block of chocolate every day. I could also eat more ice cream than anyone in my class. 

I became a vegetarian when I was 21 and I was a vegan for several years in my twenties. 
In the past few years I've given up a few food like substances, including coke and chewing gum. A few years ago I also gave up coffee because I could see I was addicted to it, even though it was upsetting my stomach after meals and giving me heart palpitations. I gave myself leave to start again on my 45th birthday. I love coffee.

Q: What makes you think you have a problem with food? 

After I had my baby I couldn't lose some of the extra weight I'd gained during the pregnancy. I realised that usually when I started to put on weight, I would just do a few more hours in the gym, and it wasn't really a problem. I correlated low fat as no food problem. As I couldn't shift the weight and I couldn't exercise, I had to look at my food intake. And I realised I was eating a lot more than I thought I was.

I don't know how it happens, but I seem to go blank when I eat sometimes. It really is mindless. In some situations more than others.  

Q: Could you describe your current relationship with food as you see it?

I generally eat rapidly. I eat big mouthfuls and swallow lumps. Most of my meals on my own are finished before 5 minutes. In Spain you can sit around the table for 2 or 3 hours easily and its agony for me. 

I have been practising breathing before meals, and smelling food, and trying to physically relax before consuming food. I have tried to have smaller bites and chew with more awareness. Its difficult and I feel pain when I slow down and bring consciousness to my eating. This is a stressful time for me.

As soon as I have eaten, and I'm full, I usually have a cup of tea. And I'm even fuller afterwards. To the point of bloat. And I stay bloated most of the day. I don't seem to be able to let my stomach empty.  

Out of Control
This is difficult to say, because I obviously pride myself on my control and awareness in many aspects of my life, but yes, I feel that I find myself overeating regularly. I eat past 'full', and I don't seem to be able to stop. I see it clearly. Just writing about this has my heart beating fast. 

Dieting
I don't usually diet because I don't want to restrict my food intake. I have always exercised more instead of cutting back on food. However every year I do a 40 day detox where I follow the Fit for Life program. It has helped me in the past establish healthy eating patterns. I am a disciplined person in some matters, and it can create chaos when this disciplined health conscious side of me sees the unconscious binge eater. I'm working on keeping the name calling down to a minimum. 

Sweets
I started eating more sweets when I was tired and my baby was young. I felt frequently sad and ate pastries to help compensate for my unhappiness. And then I ate more and more. It became a problem for me because I know its not healthy and it doesn't contribute to my long term happiness. 

Hunger
I hardly ever wait until I'm hungry to eat. I eat when there is a space in my stomach.

Self Esteem 
I don't attach my self esteem to my food habits, but it is attached to my body image. I see clearly that the larger I become the more unhappy I am with how I look and the more I feel like its worthless to try to change. Its a vicious cycle. Every now and then I make an effort to change, and I feel trapped in the previous cycle of behaviour. It takes a lot of will power to make changes. Changes that will last. 

Public Confession 
And here I am, shining light on what I see about food in my life. I want it to be out in the open. I want it to be clear. I don't want to pretend. I want to be able to see myself clearly and drag all of that shadow side out into the light. Its helpful to publish this on the Internet. It makes me feel like there is no going back. That this ray of awareness is not just my ray of awareness, but yours too. Your observation adds to my observation so that the ray of light is stronger and I can see and decide clearly what to do for my future. 

At the moment I just want to bring awareness to my relationship with food. I just want to see it clearly. To experience everything with my eyes open. I feel like I am getting to know part of myself I never knew existed. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance before anything else. Observation and acceptance. 

In the Face of Death

I am so tired of the superficiality and one dimension of grief over death. What I’ve lost. What happens to me? What about me?

And in death, this most sacred moment of transition, that we can hold onto the very ideas, beliefs and traditions that caused us so much pain and disease in our bodies in the first place. Why?

What is wrong with us that we can’t see that our ideas literally kill us?

Why can’t you see that by wrapping yourself in the flag of ‘ME’ and my ideals is so futile, so painful, so human. There is no lesson learnt. It hard pride until the bitter end. Tasting the bile in your mouth and still, you raise the hand in a fist and still you curse your children into following in your footsteps?

How does this happen?

My heart bursts to see it. I struggle to find the peace of ‘all’ in this moment. I don’t see hope. I see the treading of little footprints into the adult ones. I see repetition and fear and suffocation and more disease. Following human ideas instead of seeing reality – the divine reality that is right here, right now and it doesn’t ask this hate from you, it doesn’t ask you to remember every grievance or injustice.

Dear God, forgive us! Hang our heads in shame for this continuing abuse of the gift of life you give us. I’m so sorry. It pains me to see. I feel it like a tearing inside.

I am Spanish. I am Catalan. I am Moroccan. I am Muslim. I am American. I am - I am – I am I am – how can these words turn into nails of doom, bitterness, unrelenting eye for an eye mentality?

So then – I’ve written my incomprehension – and I feel slightly better.

Dear God, dearest One, help me to see the glory of You within each of us. Let me see it in the frown, in the scowl, in the hatred, in the fist, in the browning leaf. In the death, in the life, in the living. In what is. Amen

A Prayer of Acceptance and Love

Dear God,

Forgive me for interfering in your plans for me. I know that when I assert myself, I deviate from the highest good.

Forgive me for fulfilling 'my' wants, instead of yours.

I know, that if I trust you 100%, you will deliver to me my highest good, in what ever form that will take. I trust that right now, given all the circumstances, my highest good is trying to manifest.

Dear God, give me the grace to give in to you and to feel safe in your hands.

Let me bless this day, because it is a gift.

Let me see the beauty in all, because it is You.

When I struggle to find the answer, please remind me that You are all I need to answer all questions. When my mind struggles to find the answer, remind my heart it is only with faith, endurance, love and compassion that I can find the answer within.

Let me feel gratitude for everything in my life right now. Because it is.

Amen

For Sarah

My first memory

I was five. It was in a hall way. I heard something, I was curious, I walked towards the noise and I saw my father on top of my mother. He was holding her down. My mother was struggling. She was wild. Fighting.

I stopped dead still. My father, while still holding her, said to me 'look, I'm holding her down for her own good. She's trying to hurt me.' He seemed calm. She was violent and crazy in her motion. Her hair a big brown fuzz of movement.

My dearest parents.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. I forgive you for hurting me. I know how hard it is. I forgive you, whole heartedly. I release this memory. I release this hurt, once and for all, and I embrace you both in love. Thank you for being my teachers in this great journey. Thank you for offering yourself to teach me.

With love, forgiveness for myself and my brothers and sisters, and compassion for your own journey,

Tiffany

Catalonia/Tiffany

I just wrote this for the Catalonia blog – but actually, I was writing two pieces at once.

First Half

Catalonia has not yet come into her own. She is blooming after the repression of the Franco years and the introduction of Spain into the European community, but she is still shaking off the hold of Spanish rule and bucking at the new people coming to live amongst her people.

There is insistence of speaking the Catalan language, of waving the Catalan flag, of protecting the Catalan culture, and yet, it seems, she is reacting against her past and not resonating with the prosperity of her present.

When we were travelling to and from Australia, people asked Albert where he was from. He would say ‘Spain.’ They would say, ‘Madrid?’ He would say ‘No, Barcelona.’ There would be a great smile and warmth and the word ‘Catalonia?’ and, no matter how many times we had this conversation, we would be amazed that people knew the difference.

Obviously, the soccer team, Barce has helped sell the awareness of Catalonia to soccer watching nations. However, Barcelona as a city, has become a by word in cultural cool. Its sexy, its charming, its hot, it has everything a traveller is looking for. The Costa Brava is near by, the Pyrenees is over the hill, and the food is to die for.

So, the world knows about you. They know you exist. They know you are not the same as Spain. They see you as a most beautiful, charming and wonderful place. With something unique to offer the world.

Now its time for you, Catalonia, to accept your position as a jewel in the crown of the world.

Second Half

Tiffany has not yet come into her own. She’s blooming after the repression of ideas of how things should be, and responding well to the world travelling, but she is still shaking off the hold of her Early Years of Protection and bucking at the new role she is being given.

There is insistence on following old Tiffany paths, of waving the Me flag, of protecting the Tiffany entity, and yet, it seems, she is reacting against her past and not resonating with the prosperity of her present.

In the previous years of her life, people have responded positively to her. They have loved her, called her ‘angel’, ‘blessing’, ‘precious’ and ‘dear’. And she looked behind her, to see who they were talking to. There was no response in her heart that resonated from the gift of the other’s love.

So, the world knows about you. They know you exist. They know you are not the same as you were. They see you as hopeful, happy, and helpful. With something unique to offer the world.

Now its time for you, Tiffany, to accept your position.

To accept the ‘I am.’ To feel it resonate within. To allow it to be.

Full forgiveness.

Full love.

Full acceptance.

Full awareness.

Fully united.

Wage Peace

Wage Peace
by Judyth Hill, September 11, 2001

Wage Peace with your breath.

Breathe in firemen and rubble

Breathe out whole buildings and flocks of red-wing blackbirds.

Breathe in terrorists

Breathe out sleeping children and fresh mown fields.

Breathe in confusion and breathe out maple trees.

Breathe in the fallen and breathe out life long relationships intact.

Wage peace with our listening: hearing sirens, pray loud.

Remember your tools: flower seeds, clothing pins, clean rivers.

Make soup.

Play music; learn the word "thank you" in 3 languages.

Learn to knit: make a hat.

Think of chaos as dancing raspberries.

Imagine grief as the outbreak of beauty or gesture of fish.

Swim for the other side.

Wage peace.

Never has the word seemed so fresh and precious.

Have a cup of tea and rejoice.

Act as if armistice has already arrived.

Celebrate today.

(Thanks for posting this OS - its just what I need)

But I Don't Love

Each step I take I see that I am checked.

I say ‘drown me in your Love’

But I do not love.

I hold back in fear of not getting my bit.

I say ‘forgive me! Forgive me my darkened heart’

But truly, I’m not so sure I forgive.

I see the shadows of remembered slights.

I say ‘wash away my mind of arrows’

But I carry the quiver behind me.

Bitterness twists my upper lip.

And You say –

My Love. Lift your head.

Its one thing to give your Heart,

And another to act upon your giving.

One step at a time.

Let me wash you with My Bliss.

Let me shower you in My Love.

And, one step at a time,

You will clear the construction of your mind.

You will see through the eyes of your heart.

You will see without more willing, you are

Already Drowned, Forgiven and Washed.

Be still. Be with me. Feel the Pulse of Love.

Energy from trees

My family here – my parents, were about to cut down a palm tree. They don’t want them there. I have an instinctive dislike of this chopping – and since I have awakened my sensitivity – its harder to deal with – I feel almost like its murder.

So, I turned my face up and asked my guides – who ever would like to answer me, what could I do to help?

They said – and yes it sounds crazy, and yes I did it… ‘go and put your hands on the tree. Explain what is going to happen – give it a change to shift its energy and with draw itself.’

I went and stood by the tree – and did what I was told. Nothing happened – that I felt – and after a minute or so – I suddenly felt this large pulse of energy come streaming into my hands and forearms. I directed the tree to send it down into the earth – to finish its draining.

At least I felt better. The tree is no longer there…

Gold Tara

I've been having images of a Golden Tara come to me in meditation.

I think to myself, ahh, but it is the green tara, but dressed in gold - but no - it is the Gold Tara.
So I listen and trust my self rather than the tradition.
I read on one website that the Gold Tara is real - but I haven't seen it anywhere else.
She is like the green tara, but with less paraphenalia... She has less about her - she is purely shining gold - pure wisdom - pure love - without trappings. Her body is slim and elegant - similar to the picture I posted above, but not the same - no large head dress.

The first time I had conscious contact with the green tara was in Dharamsala- she just struck me as love and compassion - and I bought one of her painting to remind myself of her, i bought a book on female deities - and feel connected to her - however, the gold tara is now insisting on her presence - so I will follow my instinct.

About Me

I am: half there

I think: as little as possible

I know: nothing

I have: too much

I wish: to see clearly

I hate: my attitude to 'problems'

I miss: nothing

I fear: the crazy woman I seem to be becoming

I hear: screaming children

I smell: not much

I crave: surrender

I search: for me

I wonder: if I'll have that baby girl I dreamt of.

I regret: being such a hothead sometimes...

I love: light

I ache: in my solar plexus - my 'self esteem', my 'power' is transforming and insubstantial

I am not: I am not

I believe: in transformations

I dance: everywhere

I sing: softly, so it sounds better

I cry: from happiness

I fight: me

I win: a little more every day

I lose: when I give into my ego - accusing, superior, arrogant

I never: never say never

I always: try to listen to my inner voice and act on it

I confuse: myself all the time..

I listen: carefully

I can usually be found: looking a bit distracted

I am scared: of some changes... what do they mean for me?

I need: more trust

I am happy about: my mother's 'self help' course

I imagine: too much...



The list I found on Dove's Blog. (copy and paste your own if you wish!)

I am:

I think:

I know:

I have:

I wish:

I hate:

I miss:

I fear:

I hear:

I smell:

I crave:

I search:

I wonder:

I regret:

I love:

I ache:

I am not:

I believe:

I dance:

I sing:

I cry:

I fight:

I win:

I lose:

I never:

I always:

I confuse:

I listen:

I can usually be found:

I am scared:

I need:

I am happy about:

I imagine:

I tag:

Angel on a horse.

I've been with the image of a steady, waiting 'angel on a horse' for the past three days.

I asked my friends in historum to help me with some symbolism. You can see their responses here.

If you have any ideas on teh subject, please let me know.

When ever I ask for 'help' - the angel appears - I can never see its face. I have no idea of its name. I don't understand anything. I just draw a blank.

Guess what!!?

I just thought, it seems to look like feathers, the wings.. and suddenly I thought, its a chief - I googled image search and found this -

Now, although its not exact - it could be something similar - if the head piece was bigger...

So - he's not an angel!?

ok then - it makes more sense... ?

dealing with criticism

Well - everything that happens to me - comes with words of wisdom, and maybe I don't follow it 100% as soon as I hear it, but it efffects me positively from here on in...

Today I went a bit too far in sharing information with my partner. He doesn't even believe in god, or a creator - so how can he beleive and understand anything I am talking about - and talk, trust me, I do.

Usually my partner is open minded, non judgemental - and incredibly relaxed about what I say. He says he refuses to beleive or disbeleive.

However, today he just looked me in the eye, and took my hand, and said, what I was saying, was completely impossible.

I was talking about 'singing colours'.

I have been drawn into thinking about and experimenting with healing with my voice. My voice as a vibration- and when I asked my guides how to practice this - the reply was 'sing colours' - I was delighted - what a fun project... :)

I was laughingly talking with my partner about it, thinking it was just a fun thing to do - and he answered sharply that it was impossible.

I felt it like an emptying balloon... I felt myself deflated - I heard, in my head 'its just words', 'he's allowed his opinion' - but I still feel so sensitive and vulnerable about my growth - I feel myself to be 'silly' and happier than before - but I do suffer moments when I think I've just gone loco.

Tears came - my body felt weak - I felt beaten.

How to deal with this -
First of all I asked some friends online to send positive energy my way for helping me not to judge my partner, for helping me to release the hurt, and helping me to forgive.

Then I thought - words are just words - in this instance - he's allowed his opinion. If I am strong in my self - his words wouldn't hurt me.

Increase your love, increase your forgiveness, increase your submission to follow your heart.

I feel better - the lack of judgement is essential for my growth - I know it as I breathe.

If you have any ideas about how to deal with these things, from family and loved ones - please share.