After Acceptance Comes the Plan to Regain Health

I've been writing about my failings as a fitness professional and my weight gain and feelings of depression. And that is all part of it, but it's not the only part.

Since the middle of December 2015 I've been taking vitamin d, vitamin b, iron Floridix, spray magnesium and white Kwao Krua.  

I've been sleeping better thanks to my daughter Lydia sleeping better.

I've increased my exercise time. Weight bearing exercises at least three times a week and play ground fun with Lydia a minimum of three times a week too. Plus what ever else I can fit in.

I've dropped the amount of bread and pastries I'm eating and although I'm still sneaking in a few, I go for the small bite and make sure I have a hearty healthy snack for the 6pm rage of hunger that overcomes me. I have also started planning our meals again, and increased fruit in the mornings and vegetables all day.

I started drinking coffee again.

I've started to limit my internet, especially in the evening and the mornings.

I've replaced normal hair dye with henna! This I'm so happy for.

I've begun to feel a lot better over all. I'm feeling good, energetic, started to get my apartment in order. Started my old Flylady routines. Overall, I'm feeling great.

I don't seem to be losing weight, but I'm ok with that for the moment. All I care about is feeling better, more energetic.

Over the next few weeks I'll write in detail about some of the changes I've incorporated and see if it's something you'd like to do too.

Thanks for your support.

Forty Fat and UnFit

What happened exactly?

Of course my life changed dramatically when I left Norway 8 years ago. I was a fitness instructor in a busy gym. I trained regularly on top of the classes I had and I knew my place in the world. I was a yoga teacher and I was multi skilled in the fitness arena. I was versatile and could take Pilates, core strength classes, kids classes, rehab classes. I even created a fitness belly dance class. That was the centre of my life.

First comes love, then comes the Marriage.

My little family of three moved and we travelled around south east Asia and to Australia. We were on the move for two years. I home schooled my son and I practised yoga and when I could. I even practised by the river Ganges. We did pilgrimages to sacred sites and I prayed, meditated and I felt like I was deepening my awareness of life and spirit. 

Settling Down

We moved to this apartment in Granollers Catalonia about 6 years ago. I'm about to get my residency permit. So for 6 years I haven't been able to work, legally. There have been some loopholes that some people have been willing to fall in, so I have been working on and off when I could. 

My role changed from single independent mother, bread earner, creator and manager of my destiny to mother, cook, cleaner, supportive partner and occasional teacher. I felt disempowered. My heart and mind hadn't caught up to my reality. Yes, I blogged about my experiences. Yes I trained and walked and explored. Yes I tried to do the best I could with what I had, but a fundamental flaw remained. 

Then Comes the Baby Sitting in the Carriage 

We had a baby. It really got between me and who I thought I was. My need to be a good mother was fighting with my need to be a yoga teacher. Both were failing. I suffered some problems towards the end of my pregnancy. My skin was itching terribly. I had pain in my back. I felt alone, tired and ridiculous. What was I doing, a forty something without many friends or family around her having a baby? Was I crazy? There is no financial support here in Spain, for a baby. The father gets two weeks leave. My family were in Australia. If I didn't have a compulsive cleaning teenage son and Kate my best friend here, I would have fallen off the deep end.  Albert works long hours. He's often out of the house twelve hours a day. I can tell you vomit, a demanding baby, being three days unshowered, the house work getting out of control can send anyone over the edge. Don't even get me started on lack of sleep. Lydia at 2 years and 3 months has just started sleeping better, and I do believe it's one of the reasons I'm feeling so much better. 

Basically sweet pastry became my best friend. I have been known to go on a walk and stop in every single bakery along the way, just for a little something. Yes. And I lied about it. Actually, about a year ago I realised I was a binge eater. I had no idea. I just seemed to blank out. I was lying about the food I was eating. I started to think about food more, and it's control over me. I blogged a bit about it last year. That was shedding some light on who I had become. Someone I didn't recognise. 

Where is Your Self Esteem Plugged In?

I didn't realise I was getting my self esteem from my strong athletic body. But I was. So if I was fat and flabby, how do you think my self esteem was talking to me every day I looked in the mirror? 

I didn't realise that I was used to getting support from my social group and my work. I used to be praised often. I used to be called upon to shed light on a matter. People contacted me to help solve problems. And here, I was nobody. Nobody was calling me. Nobody was telling me I was special and gifted and an angel. Here I felt ignored. Looked over. Unimportant. And I was in a rage about it. My little me was shouting all the time 'what about me? I am important too! I am somebody' 

But the fact is, I used to be a somebody. Then I became a nobody. And now, I am just me. I don't need the approval  of others. I'm not looking for it. I am not in the self pity game of 'poor little me' - I've been there and done that. It's not for me. No label for me just now. And breathe.

Who am I?

I still considered myself a yoga teacher first. A teacher. And I wasn't. I was failing. I was two sizes bigger than I was before I was pregnant.  And as the years went by, I discovered I was becoming embittered, frustrated, angry. At everything and everyone. Because they were in the way of who I thought I was.

Thank God for having a change of mind, a change of heart. Thank God for learning about yourself and being able to flick a switch on in your darkest moments. 

And here I am, rebuilding my life based on who I am at the moment. I wrote a bit about it before, but I can't tell you enough how important this moment has been to me. 

From frustrated and impotent yoga teacher to fulfilled mother, determined house keeper, loving cook, and heartfelt companion to my family. Like I've said before, I still teach sometimes. And I have other part time jobs, including a new online jewellery shop. But number one is my two year old daughter. I will not spend one more second wishing for something I don't have, consciously or not. I am filled to the brim with my life here. If only I let it in. And not see it as 'worse', or 'failing'. How can being an attentive mother to a darling girl be a failing?! How could I think I needed to do more to be more to achieve more? 

And do you know what? My headaches stopped. And the pain in my neck stopped. I'm smiling again. And exercising. I feel like fruit instead of chocolate. I still feel like chocolate, just not as much. And I'm just buzzing with life and creativity. I can feel the spirit move within me. My vision has started buzzing. 

Conscious Archetypal Shift! It's possible and it's wonderful.

I've even started thinking in poetry again, and that's always a sign I'm plugged into the source of Life. 

An Ex-Yoga Teacher on Aging and Fat Tissue

Addressing the Body

I've always been athletic. The only place I found validation for my athletic body was in a gym. Gym owners loved my sprinter's thighs and I worked on my upper body to get it in balance with the rest of me. Remember, this was before Madonna made biceps fashionable. 

I trained for fitness competitions when I was in my twenties and walked around on stage in a bikini flexing my muscles. 

I loved athletic yoga. I have spent half my life in a gym training. I really enjoy it. And I am sure one day, when the time is right, I will go back and start training again.

But at the moment I'm a stay at home mother who has deleted most of the exceptionally beautiful yoga instagramers from her phone because it makes her depressed to see everyone in great shape while she is sitting with rolls of fat and her thighs rubbing together. I thought it would be inspiring, and its not. It's just irritating. 

I especially used to follow a woman who has three little children and a flat ironing board stomach and she used to say 'no excuses!' and shout it at the camera and I was honestly terrified. I only felt more shame for my inability to get on top of my weight gain. I happily unfollowed her and have been feeling remarkably better. 

Moving from Fear into Acceptance

We all know the drill. Face your fears. Just do it. It's so common that it's trade marked. But that doesn't mean it's not true.  I have posted a few pictures of my stomach and I aim to continue posting pictures of my body, not necessarily just the parts I'm uncomfortable with, but all of it. It's ok. It's just a photo. It's not me. I can not be defined by a few rolls of fat. Even though I was living in total fear of them.

Ever since I posted the first picture, and facebook tells me thousands of people have seen it,  I feel liberated. I feel fantastic. The other day I was walking through our town and a few heads turned to check me out, and I let my stomach out, and felt it wobble and thought yeah, and with a belly. That's right. Check it out! It was really funny. I surprise myself. I had no idea how much I cared about my extra jiggle. 

Archetypal Shift

I'm big into archetypes and I like to read about them and talk about them in a way to help understand what is going  on. And during December I went through a conscious archetypal shift. I went from fear to fun, in one night.

I was living in 'used to be' land. That is, I used to be a fitness professional. I was a teacher, instructor and I felt a lot of responsibility to maintain that image. And every day I was failing. I was getting fatter and less fit and resenting my life changes because I wasn't being the best I could be. Yes, that's my perfectionist! 

Once I realised what was happening, I turned to my self and said, give it up. Just stop. You are not a fitness professional any more. You are not a yoga teacher. You are a stay at home mother who has a few classes here and there. Just give it up. And I cried. And I felt grief. And the next day I woke up feeling wonderful, and it was the beginning of facing my fears.

I didn't have to struggle to be perfect any more and I could be just a fat bottomed mum, just like everyone else. It is wonderful. No more judgement and expectations. And I have my sense of humour back, my sense of fun and wonder. My writer re-emerged. And here I am blogging again! I love my writer! She's interested in the world, she's fun to be with, she wants to be engaged in life and talk about things and explore deep issues. My yoga teacher wants discipline and practice, and if you fail her, she's constantly disappointed and frustrated. And that's how I spent the last 6 years of my life. 

Being a sad, disappointment to myself. And feeling everything was in my way of being where and who I was suppose to be. 

Let's get something clear. I still teach. I still practice when I can, and I still give talks. But I am not going to be dominated by that dictator in my mind who thinks she knows better than I do.

No. 

First and foremost at this time in my life, I am a mother. And I tell you right now that I am turning to embrace this wonderful experience. I will not spend another minute of my life wishing for something that I do not have. I embrace this life. I welcome it. And these are not just words. This is what is alive in me. But I did have to let the other one go. Before the new could come in to take it's place.

And I won't be in 'Mother' for ever, but I am now, and I am so happy for the shift. I'm happy for this opportunity, I'm happy for not bringing my daughter up to feel that she was in the way of my dreams. No. She is in my dreams. Actually, literally. This is a post from 2008 about dreaming of Lydia!! Just saw it today and was seriously amazed. 

Thank you.

Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.

Fatty, Fat Fat

During the past few days I've had to look closely at some of my belief patterns pertaining to food and body image. I've had to look at my feelings towards being female, fatness and food.  

Mindful Eating Update
My family, my son and partner, have flat out refused to do the mindful eating meditation with me, even once. That's their choice. So, when I put the meditation on, I am alone with my little girl. 

The meditation goes for about 9 minutes. The first two minutes are about relaxing and settling into the senses. I have not been able to get past 30 seconds before I am already putting food into my mouth. I am watching myself, and I feel anxious and tense. Even as the audio says to go slowly, I am speeding up. I have always finished my food within 5 minutes. I can stop before I am stuffed, but I am always full. 

I have been trying to do this meditation without criticism and name calling. But with observation, acceptance, and calm. 

Fat

You're not going to like what I have to say. 

I have never liked fat. Fat on me, or fat on anyone else. I'm a fattist. I have associated lack of fat with worthiness. Fat always indicated negative characteristics like greed, laziness, selfishness. I have never been fat, until now. I didn't mind being a bit fat because I had my baby girl as an excuse. I told my family I would be back in shape within 6 months. It's now 18 months, and I am not back in shape. 

I started to get fatter when I was about 14 and I got my period and I started to fill out in the hips. I hated my body changing. I hated the fat on my thighs. I thought my thighs were huge monstrous things. I used to be a runner, and my grandmother told me that if I didn't stop running my legs would get so big that no man would ever be interested in me. 

Fat reminded me of my step mother. I disliked my step mother, a lot. She was tall, blonde and big busted. I saw her as fat. I didn't want to be a woman. Women were weak. Men were strong. It really is that simple. 

I thought I had removed or dealt with these problems from my mind, but the further I go into the mindless eating, the more they rise up in front of me. 

I am not just dealing with eating too much, I am dealing with my relationship to fat and females and issues of power and control. 

Who Had the Power in Your Childhood?

I was talking to Kate this morning, and as I was talking about discipline, she said something that made a lot of sense.  She reminded me that if my father was so controlling, the only way I could maintain some freedom, something a bit wild, was by having a secret relationship to food. 

My father was a a master manipulator. He was the one with the power in our house and he controlled everyone, one way or another. Control is a big issue for all of us, and as I have stopped judging myself as I eat and I have stopped trying to control my weight or worry about my body, I do really feel as if I am losing control over many aspects of my life. I'm even starting to waddle when I walk. 

Since not seeing my father in the last 20 years, in some ways I have become a father to myself. I control myself, I am disciplined and rigid in some issues. My relationship with myself is in many ways a mirrored relationship of my father and myself as a child. And seeing this is huge. It's painful, sad and a huge relief. I thought I had let him go, with forgiveness, but I had carried him with me inside of my head. Not necessarily his belief systems, but many of his values. 

Kate also noticed I was calling the mindless eater names. It seems to be its own entity. But what was nice having Kate to talk about it with me, is she was gentle and curious about this darkness, not judgemental or willing it gone. So even on top of the observation, I could add a little compassion and curiosity to this aspect of myself, it could help it to surface more clearly. 

Discipline or is it Control? 
I'm a disciplined person when it comes to certain things in my life, like exercise. When I have decided to do a thing, like train for a half marathon, or learn pilates, I do it. No excuses. But when does discipline become a need to control? When does it start to impose itself on yourself and others? I have a strong judge archetype. It's often rigid and critical when it's in its shadow side. And again, let's just sit back and watch it. Let it out. Observation and acceptance. 

Who Am I?
When did you first ask yourself this question? Have you ever asked yourself? The first time I seriously asked myself this question I was 21. I still don't know. It really does feel like there are layers upon layers and even though I think I see glimpses of light, there seems to be always another layer to peel off. 

This post is a bit all over the place. I have a lot going on. Bear with me. 

From Compulsion to Compassion

I'm listening frequently to the audio Mindful and Mindless Eating by Robin Maynard-Dobbs and finding it helpful. You can find it on spotify too. 

She says that listening to her CD offers the possibility to move from 'judgement to just noticing, from automatic to aware, from compulsion to compassion.' 

And that's where I'm at. This movement from the mindless to the mindful.

I have to admit that I have always thought of myself as quite mindful and responsible. I'm surprised to discover this space in my day where I'm just not present. 

Day to day. Let's go. 

Itchy Legs While Running - a Solution!

I started running again about 6 weeks ago. Every day I'd start off with a positive attitude and a sporty gait, and after about ten minutes my skin would start itching to the point of madness. I've read some forum stories of women ripping their skin open in an attempt to ease the discomfort.

It turns out that the itchiness is usually caused by the capillaries expanding upon the introduction of blood to the surface of the skin. That is hot blood moving into the cold and contracted surface of the skin. Some people don't notice it at all, and others can have a lot of problems with pain.

I read some of the online advice and decided against an antihistamine 30 minutes before my jog, or just putting up with it. I thought about the problem and decided that if it was a hot and cold problem, if I started jogging when I was already warm, the problem might be avoided.

A Warm/Hot Bath!

So, before I've been jogging, I've taken a hot bath for ten minutes and I then massage my legs and 'scrub' them with ex foliating gloves.   This stimulates the skin and makes the blood flow to the surface. I then don my normal jogging attire and I have had no problem since. Nothing. Nada. No discomfort.

Now its just a matter of lung capacity, and that I am working on.


Photo: Granollers Half Marathon 2009, Tiffany Jones

The One

Gorecki by Lamb

If I should die this very moment

I wouldn't fear

for I've never known completeness

like being here

wrapped in the warmth of you

loving every breath of you

still my heart this moment

oh it might burst

could we stay right here

till the end of time until the earth stops turning

wanna love you until the seas run dry

I've found the one I've waited for

all this time I've loved you

and never known your face

all this time I've missed you

and searched this human race

here is true peace

here my heart knows calm

safe in your soul

bathed in your sighs

wanna stay right here

till the end of time

till the earth stops turning

gonna love you until the seas run dry

I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for

all I've known

all I've done

all I've felt was leading to this

all I've known

all I've done

all I've felt was leading to this

wanna stay right here

till the end of time till the earth stops turning

gonna love you till the seas run dry

I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for

Sand Art

Transforming the Painful to the Purifying

We associate pain with bad. We associate poverty with shame. We associate difficult with frustration.

And yet, if you look back upon your life, you know that the maxim ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ holds truth. The father of a high school friend, when hearing of any of my complaints, would say ‘ahh, but that’s character building’. I hated him for saying that.

But its true.

How often do we try to stop others from suffering? How often do we stop our children from experiencing the consequences of their actions? From thoughtlessly picking up the toy from the pram and handing it right back to a baby that learns that if it throws something away, it doesn’t matter, because it comes right back – magically. To cleaning up our children’s messes, including bedrooms, dishes and the problems they get into at school, with other members of the family and not doing their homework.

Difficult experiences, painful moments, if you can live through it, and pull yourself together, remove the bitterness and forgive all involve – turn into blessings. They turn into wonderful opportunities to test what you are made of.

Are we petty, selfish, demanding, and ego centric? Yes? Ok then. Suffer in your resentment, your sickness and your misery.

Are we forgiving, releasing, loving and compassionate for this journey we call life, and know that we are all doing the best we can? Yes? Fantastic.

How long does it take to forgive? How much do we need to suffer, and hold resentment and jealousy and judgements? How long? How sick do we need to become, with the baggage of our own hatred?

At every step along the path, at every moment of the day – the choice is yours. To turn resentment that ties the stomach in knots into release, acceptance, and forgiveness- for your ‘abusers’ and for your self.

Good luck

Defy Gravity; personal comments

I'm just watching the second half of Caroline Myss's video on her new book Defy Gravity.

We've been talking about the difference in healing in the body, and the white light energy. She has studied it and written about it. The force of the light, direct upon the entrance into the mind.

She sees the human aspect as a 'distortion' - and slowed down and complicated. Jesus could heal at the speed of light. The Sufi's can heal at the speed of light. Remove the obstacles.

Bring in grace. Remove the little self.

Make the leap towards 'holy', 'reverence', 'sacred' - with no compromise.

Defy Gravity.

Remove the mental. I hear you. Integrity.

I have the feeling that Granollers is in the centre of a great crater. Mountains all around, and a desert stretched out in the centre. I wonder if its true?

Love

Healing from a Sufi Perspective

The following is an except from Mystic Saint's Blogspot:

The goal of the Sufi and all spiritual paths is nearness to God. In Sufism this is done via following the Sufi path and practices and Jihad or struggling against the lower self or nafs. It is the lower self that keeps humans distant from God. Islam and Sufism is about surrendering to the will of God through following this path. Once near God, alterations of mechanistic laws may occur. This nearness to Allah is the explanation of so-called miracles performed within religious contexts of ancient times and today.

Spiritual Energy Healing in the Sufi Way

Aloe Vera

I've had five plants since arriving in Spain. They have all died, except for the Aloe Vera. Its thriving.

It was a plant given to me by a yoga student. When I first saw it, it was healthy. I took it under my care, and it started to look sick. I was afraid I was going to kill it also.

I took a step back and thought of my smother love attitude to plants, and let it go.

I was looking at the aloe today, and its thriving. Not just healthy, but vibrant with life. Its even sprouted a little baby in its soil.

I did a bit of research. The Hindus called it 'the silent healer'. It has been a symbol of beauty, health, longevity and healing for many peoples.

The Spanish are given credit for bringing it to Europe, and it was used by priests and grown in monasteries as a healing aid.

Jesus Christ was anointed in Aloe Vera (John 19:39)

The Burial of Jesus

³⁸Later, Joseph of Arimathea asked Pilate for the body of Jesus. Now Joseph was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly because he feared the Jews. With Pilate's permission, he came and took the body away. ³⁹He was accompanied by Nicodemus, the man who earlier had visited Jesus at night. Nicodemus brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about seventy-five pounds. ⁴⁰Taking Jesus' body, the two of them wrapped it, with the spices, in strips of linen. This was in accordance with Jewish burial customs. ⁴¹At the place where Jesus was crucified, there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb, in which no one had ever been laid. ⁴²Because it was the Jewish day of Preparation and since the tomb was nearby, they laid Jesus there.

Aloe Vera History

Gertrude Baldwin's history of Aloe Vera

I drowned the other plants in too much water. I gave them more than they were capable of absorbing. With the Aloe Vera, I waited for the soil to dry out, and then watered it, when it was ready.

Enki, the Sumerian God of Wisdom, is also the god of the waters. He is father to Ningal, the moon goddess, and the grandfather to Inanna.

This ties in with a conversation I was having about limits and energy within the mind/body and breaking those limits before the 'whole' was ready for transition.

The wisdom is. The water is. It is.

The seeker, if her chalice is already full, can not take any more water/wisdom. There is even the possibility of drowning in too much water/wisdom.

Wisdom, the water, must wait until the chalice is ready to be filled. Must wait until the chalice is empty.

I have always had the tendency to 'tell the truth'. Regardless of the consequences. Even if the ears were not receptive.

Its time to take my watering can and place it upon the shelf until the timing is right.

That means, just as I watched the Aloe Vera plant, testing its soil, and being careful of its nature, I need to keep this same observance/awareness in my daily life.

I am that I am.

God grant me patience and humility to await for Your guidance.

with Love

For a quick reference on water myths

Can I Love You?

Can I love you?

Can I love you today?

Can I love you after the illusion has faded away?

Can I love you now, that the gilt has worn down?

Can I love you today?

After all of the disappointments, the lies, the frustrations, the angry words?

Can I love you, truly, with no string attached?

Can I love you, because you are you?

Can I love you without asking for something in return, like honesty, or forgiveness?

Can I love you, anyway?

Can I love you, knowing who you are?

Can I love you, knowing what you’ve said and done?

Can I love you, after making me suffer?

Can I love you at all?

Can I love you after all my tears are dry?

Can I love you when all that is left is a sigh?

Can I love you, more fully than before?

Can I love you after feeling my heart break?

Can I love you, even after that?

Perhaps, it is said, that only when the heart breaks open, can it fit in a little more. Perhaps that little more is the ‘real’ you I never acknowledged. The you I denied in my blindness for my ideal.

Let me release my wants. Let me let go of my expectations. Let me see the truth, and love it, and you, because it is. Let me be free from the tangles of my mind and free in the expression of Love.

Amen

Kindness, no strings attached

I’m so tired of one hand giving while the other hand holds a list of clauses that go with it.

Somebody offered me something. Then, when things didn’t go as they wanted, they took it away.

I felt a sudden horror of dishonour. But, then I searched my own nature, and I’m sure I’ve done it too.

Given something, even a smile, and expected one in return.

How often do we really give? Honestly give. Give with out no thought of what someone is going to do with that gift. No thought of return. No thought of consequences. A true gift of love. How often do we give without a silent but heavy back pack full of ‘buts’?

So, instead of laying in bed and thinking negative thoughts, I will slowly turn myself into the person I wish other people were. I invite you to come with me. One day at a time – to give with true kindness, no strings attached.

(and honestly - I don't mind if you don't do it! You're off the hook for this one.)

Fear of Consciousness

Fear of Consciousness

What are we so afraid of?

Afraid that what we say matters more than we think.

Afraid that we will have to be responsible for what we do to others.

Afraid that every breath counts.

Afraid to be One with the moment.

Afraid of what that means.

Afraid of the self and giving up its petty ways.

Afraid of the Self and putting discipline into the back pack.

Afraid of being conscious.

Afraid that the past was purely fear.

Afraid to face ourselves.

Afraid to turn to face the truth.

Afraid of caring – that much.

Afraid.

What are you afraid of?

Wage Peace

Wage Peace
by Judyth Hill, September 11, 2001

Wage Peace with your breath.

Breathe in firemen and rubble

Breathe out whole buildings and flocks of red-wing blackbirds.

Breathe in terrorists

Breathe out sleeping children and fresh mown fields.

Breathe in confusion and breathe out maple trees.

Breathe in the fallen and breathe out life long relationships intact.

Wage peace with our listening: hearing sirens, pray loud.

Remember your tools: flower seeds, clothing pins, clean rivers.

Make soup.

Play music; learn the word "thank you" in 3 languages.

Learn to knit: make a hat.

Think of chaos as dancing raspberries.

Imagine grief as the outbreak of beauty or gesture of fish.

Swim for the other side.

Wage peace.

Never has the word seemed so fresh and precious.

Have a cup of tea and rejoice.

Act as if armistice has already arrived.

Celebrate today.

(Thanks for posting this OS - its just what I need)

Catchin' the Vibe

I do online energy readings.

I know, sounds crazy – don’t think I don’t know it, but the internet is full of crazies like me.

So, what is it? Honestly, I don’t know really. It started like this –

In 1996, I started to do qigong healing, and I added crystals to the mix. Qigong healing is like reiki, or laying on of hands – but its called qigong. There are schools that teach remote qigong healing. That is, to ‘heal’ or send positive energy towards someone who is not in the same room. Please don’t ask me the theory behind it. Its only theory, and as Ms Myss says, sometimes we have to go beyond reason for these things.

One day, a girl said to me ‘I have a stomach ache, while I do the abdominal breathing today.’ I asked her to lay down on the floor and I passed my hands through her energy body and suddenly information was in my head.

‘You’ve got your period.’ She said that was true. Then I told her the ‘rules’ for menstruation and qigong.

How did I know? I don’t know. The information was just ‘there’, very clear.

‘Incidents’ of reading people while doing healing sessions and with my students increased and then I accepted it without trying to enhance the information or skills. Most time I don’t tell people what I see, I just talk ‘around’ the topic. People don’t believe in these things, so not only do I have to deal with ill health, but also a belief system. Its difficult.

In 2007 things picked up again. I went through an internal growth spurt and started picking up strong vibrations from ‘place’ as well as people. It feels like there is information of the history in each place I go to. Some places have more energy information – or its easier for me to pick it up, than others. I don’t know why- again, there is a lot of theory, depending on who/what you believe in.

Last year all of my chakras started to work. Before that, I was only in connection with the top five. Since then, my ability to pick up ‘energy’ has increased to a point when you start to question ‘why’ do I know this? What’s the purpose? What can it do for me or anyone? Also, it just makes me look more crazy to everyone else.

Funny thing is, since we’ve all been able to connect on the internet, I don’t seem so crazy anymore. There are lots of people who can do this, who have developed skills and feel uncomfortable with them, and its creating a lot of increased confusion for many of us.

Last year I started consciously practicing reading people’s energy system. Only people who ask me to. Or my students, who are under my care in a way. Sometimes it happens anyway.

One time in January 2009 a man walked into a restaurant. Suddenly I started getting visions of him in pain and I turned my head away. I heard a voice in my head saying ‘you’ll regret that’. I said ‘what am I suppose to do then?’ and, without a doubt, it was ‘tell him.’

Do you know how crazy it feels? Can you imagine? I sit there, and strange visions and vibrations enter my body – then, a voice says, tell that man what you saw. I mean, its one thing to feel crazy in the self – but its quite another to have to tell someone else that you are crazy because you can see that he may suffer a heart attack tomorrow if he exerts himself.

What do you do? You have to make a choice. Be sane to humans, or follow the inner calling. What is the inner calling? I tell you what – if there is God – then to me, it sounds and feels the closest I have ever been to it. So – it comes down to humans or God. What are you going to choose?

I write my message down on a paper. I feel my face burning and I feel totally humiliated and I hand them the message with apologies for every social rule I am breaching.

Do you know what? The couple came over to my table (we were in a restaurant), and thanked me. I didn’t suffer anything except what was in my mind.

Something is happening here in on this planet. I don’t know what or why. Really. I don’t have a direct telephone to the head office. Again, there are a lot of theories. But I’ve given them up. I just do what I have to do. And that is, tune my chakra system. Make sure its clean. The cleaner I am, the more I feel the flow of energy through my system and the more I can see and help others.

So, if you think I’m crazy, but would like to try – send me an e mail, tell me what’s going on – and if you want me to, this is absolutely voluntary – I’ll check in with you.

What happens to you when I do this? As far as I’ve heard from others – nothing.

What do I do? I relax, concentrate on you, and then I usually start to feel how your body feels in an energetic way.

Do I hear your thoughts? No. Not like that. What I pick up is your energy. Where it flows and where it stops. I don’t know your secrets or thoughts.

Why get a reading? Sometimes we feel like we don’t know what is going on in our life. A reading from a person who doesn’t know you intimately, can help give you structure, or something to help focus on to move forward.

How do I know it works? I have a link to the online readings. If you want it, I will send it to you so you can see what the other people said.

Questions?

I wrote this today because a friend of mine has been talking about some of their problems, and I felt, strongly, the urge to ‘enter’ her system and see what the blockages were. But I think this is very personal. Its not for everyone. And I don’t like to do this to people if they don’t ask me. It doesn’t feel kosher. If it sounds interesting – send me an e mail.

How much does it cost? Nothing – its free as long as I have the time.

Who is it for? For anyone who thinks they need some direction. Honestly, I don't ask other people to read my energy for me. I don't consciously allow any one else into my energy field. I am very particular who massage's me or who touches me. I think its important, for me. You have to decide for yourself.

Anyway -

Namaste

But I Don't Love

Each step I take I see that I am checked.

I say ‘drown me in your Love’

But I do not love.

I hold back in fear of not getting my bit.

I say ‘forgive me! Forgive me my darkened heart’

But truly, I’m not so sure I forgive.

I see the shadows of remembered slights.

I say ‘wash away my mind of arrows’

But I carry the quiver behind me.

Bitterness twists my upper lip.

And You say –

My Love. Lift your head.

Its one thing to give your Heart,

And another to act upon your giving.

One step at a time.

Let me wash you with My Bliss.

Let me shower you in My Love.

And, one step at a time,

You will clear the construction of your mind.

You will see through the eyes of your heart.

You will see without more willing, you are

Already Drowned, Forgiven and Washed.

Be still. Be with me. Feel the Pulse of Love.

The Water of Life

The Water of Life

If the water of Life be Love,

Then let me drown in You.

Let the water run its course

Through the valleys of me.

Let it douse all the fires of

Greed, judgement, anger, and hate.

Let it clean away the debris of

Hurt, resentment, pain and fear.

Water of Life!

Let me bath in your waterfall,

Let me swim in your river,

Let me dive to your depths,

Let me float in your fathoms.

Rise, water of life!

Fill the valleys of me

Rise water of life!

Cover the dust that is me.

Let me dissolve into You.

Come and be One with me.

Let loose your cleansing rains

Upon this tired desert.

Sweep me away until I am

No more me, and only You.