After Acceptance Comes the Plan to Regain Health

I've been writing about my failings as a fitness professional and my weight gain and feelings of depression. And that is all part of it, but it's not the only part.

Since the middle of December 2015 I've been taking vitamin d, vitamin b, iron Floridix, spray magnesium and white Kwao Krua.  

I've been sleeping better thanks to my daughter Lydia sleeping better.

I've increased my exercise time. Weight bearing exercises at least three times a week and play ground fun with Lydia a minimum of three times a week too. Plus what ever else I can fit in.

I've dropped the amount of bread and pastries I'm eating and although I'm still sneaking in a few, I go for the small bite and make sure I have a hearty healthy snack for the 6pm rage of hunger that overcomes me. I have also started planning our meals again, and increased fruit in the mornings and vegetables all day.

I started drinking coffee again.

I've started to limit my internet, especially in the evening and the mornings.

I've replaced normal hair dye with henna! This I'm so happy for.

I've begun to feel a lot better over all. I'm feeling good, energetic, started to get my apartment in order. Started my old Flylady routines. Overall, I'm feeling great.

I don't seem to be losing weight, but I'm ok with that for the moment. All I care about is feeling better, more energetic.

Over the next few weeks I'll write in detail about some of the changes I've incorporated and see if it's something you'd like to do too.

Thanks for your support.

Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.

Sitting in Awareness

So, who am I underneath all of the control? (This post is related the the previous one.)

When a student comes to see me for the first time, I always explain that there are two paths to take. The path to self improvement, or the path to awakening from the little self. Nobody wants to wake up. And that takes courage to admit. Nobody really knows what's going to happen to them, and everyone is afraid of words like God and spirit and awakening. 

We're happy to meditate and practice yoga and we're happy to chant a mantra, but when it gets down to it, we feel very uncomfortable about talking about God and our life's purpose. And we should be. It's a huge question and it has the possibility to change your life for ever. 

I was looking at my need to exercise, and my need to control my food intake and I was looking at my lifestyle, and I realised that many of my choices are based in a fear of becoming something I didn't want to be. So I have chosen a lifestyle that I hoped would stop me being close minded, fat, unhealthy, bored by life, ungrateful, dishonest and a slave to the dollar.

Being in Catalonia, I noticed that many Catalans describe themselves in terms of 'nots'. That is they are not like the people of the south and they are not like the French and they are not like the Spanish of the centre. I always thought that was peculiar because I'm from Australia and I didn't grow up comparing myself to another country (at least in the 70's and 80's). 

However I see clearly that I have set up a lifestyle dedicated to nots. And food and fatness is one of them. I'm a vegetarian, not necessarily because I am a healthy person or I love vegetables, but because I don't like people killing animals for food in a factory line up. I hate it. So even my number one restriction about food is about being NOT a meat eater. And it continues through so many of my choices.

What am I going to do?

Well, I've banned the scales for one. I will not step foot on a scale for the rest of the year. I'm going to do a little experiment on myself and discover what I really like. Not what I don't like. 

This is not for ever. Just for the rest of the year. I want to know what I like. When I was much younger I read a book by Banana Yoshimoto, Kitchen. There's a passage in it that I have often thought about. The protagonist was used to eating eggs the way her partner ate eggs, and he called her out on it. She discovered that she didn't know what she liked and didn't like. She was easy going and didn't mind. But that was just the surface. The book is about her journey into discovering how she liked her eggs and so much more. 

Good luck to me!

From Compulsion to Compassion

I'm listening frequently to the audio Mindful and Mindless Eating by Robin Maynard-Dobbs and finding it helpful. You can find it on spotify too. 

She says that listening to her CD offers the possibility to move from 'judgement to just noticing, from automatic to aware, from compulsion to compassion.' 

And that's where I'm at. This movement from the mindless to the mindful.

I have to admit that I have always thought of myself as quite mindful and responsible. I'm surprised to discover this space in my day where I'm just not present. 

Day to day. Let's go. 

Releasing Pain From The Past

After Dreamland 
So this morning I woke in pain. Piercing pain over the right eye and up into the head, my right shoulder had an inflamed pressure point and my tonsils were sore.
Then I immediately remembered that I had a sore throat and tonsillitis frequently when I was a child and that reminded me about chakras and I put on a 5th throat chakra necklace to help balance out the energetics. 

Yoga Therapist 
A friend of mine wrote to me the other day about some personal issues she was dealing with, and in meditation she heard 'Physician Heal Thyself', and I hear her telling me the same thing. 

I'm sure some of you know, but for those who don't, I'm a yoga therapist. That means I use what I have learnt from yoga (and other disciplines) to help people heal in body and mind. If I had to treat myself, as I do right now, then the first and easiest point to start is with childhood memories, chakras, asana practice and affirmations. Then I usually see how we go from there. I've also started practising tapping, and have found it really helpful. Since Lydia's birth I've also dappled in Homeopathy with the help of Kate and Janet, and this is a totally new world to explore. 

A student/friend of mine suggested I start offering these types of consultations via skype, so perhaps in the next few months we'll get that up and started. 

Why Pain? 
In some painful moments like these, I wonder why on earth I'm digging through heaps of old rubbish just to feel rotten again. I mean, what's the point?

And the truth is, I feel it's my duty. As a person who has chosen to try to be as conscious about her life and life choices as possible, it's my responsibility to clear away as much debris from my life as I can. In clearing my debris, I help clear my personal patterns, my families patterns, and the patterns of the world. In my small way, I am changing the possibilities for our future. And because of that, I must go through these clearings. 

Acceptance is Key
The pain is a release. I have been sitting on fear and repression for many years. It has never been allowed to be expressed. And now, in the safety of my adult arms, it can release itself. All of the pent up emotion, all of the fear, all of the struggle jumping out of the recesses of my memory and my cell tissue like the horrors of Pandora's box. But you know what, once they are released, I've still got something left. Hope. This magical word, ready to to inflame creativity, passion and life itself. 

So yes, sometimes it really does get a bit worse before it gets better. But keep your eye on the goal. It is a process. And right now its painful. Sit with it. Honour it. Give it space to be allowed to exist with no judgement. Breathe deeply. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We can do this. 

Photo Credits Tiffany Jones

Petals of a Flower

For each part of your self that you accept completely, that you allow to live without hindering its expression, you help complete the fullness of the flowering of your Self.

Each foul mood, each vicious thought, each bad tempered moment. They are all petals on the expression of you. Each time you accept each and every part of yourself, it is allowed full expression, and it comes in close and folds itself in to create the beauty of You. You can not flower until all the petals are acknowledged and deeply allowed.

Yes the beauty, yes the love, yes the delight in life. And yes the judgement, and yes the comparisons and yes the  depression. There is still more.  Beyond all of that.

A deep flowering. 

Bringing Consciousness Into the Every Day - Practical Experience

Ok, so we all feel great after a meditation and within a controlled environment.  What happens to our awareness on the field.  When we are placed in situations that have always tested our patience?

Yesterday I went to pick up some groceries from a local co-op. It's a small organic and free trade place.  There were two men behind the counter and one woman being served.   I glanced at the clock.   It took them 7 minutes to attend to me.

The Seven Minutes:  during those minutes I experienced what I always experience in these situations. Frustration,      anger, intolerance, judgement. I felt my body go hot and cold and tingling under my arms from the sensation of pure injustice.

The Difference:  I allowed the sensations. I let them come in. I watched them. I did feel a resistance to them. But I also allowed that.  I had a sensation of guilt (how can I feel so negatively after such a beautifully spiritual morning), but I allowed that too.  And the body moved and changed and the feelings came and went and I watched and stood firmer in awareness than ever before.

Every judgement that came up I felt my initial resistance to feeling negative emotions, and then I deeply allowed and let it go out of the system.  The mind didn't hold on. It truly came and went like clouds passing.  But the awareness, or the clarity of the vast sky remained.

And I walked home, and all traces of the 7 minutes of emotion dropped away.  There was no energetic imprint. It was gone.  There was no repercussion.

No guilt, no 'should', no resistance. Just awareness, accepting and deep watching. One moment at a time.

Adya  reminds us that this is not the 'final place' to rest. But it is the foundation.  The first part was touching upon Awareness itself. The second part was consciously spending more time with it. The third part is bringing it outside of the controlled environments and meditation practice and into real life situations.




Photo: Tiffany Jones Granollers

Wage Peace

Wage Peace
by Judyth Hill, September 11, 2001

Wage Peace with your breath.

Breathe in firemen and rubble

Breathe out whole buildings and flocks of red-wing blackbirds.

Breathe in terrorists

Breathe out sleeping children and fresh mown fields.

Breathe in confusion and breathe out maple trees.

Breathe in the fallen and breathe out life long relationships intact.

Wage peace with our listening: hearing sirens, pray loud.

Remember your tools: flower seeds, clothing pins, clean rivers.

Make soup.

Play music; learn the word "thank you" in 3 languages.

Learn to knit: make a hat.

Think of chaos as dancing raspberries.

Imagine grief as the outbreak of beauty or gesture of fish.

Swim for the other side.

Wage peace.

Never has the word seemed so fresh and precious.

Have a cup of tea and rejoice.

Act as if armistice has already arrived.

Celebrate today.

(Thanks for posting this OS - its just what I need)

But I Don't Love

Each step I take I see that I am checked.

I say ‘drown me in your Love’

But I do not love.

I hold back in fear of not getting my bit.

I say ‘forgive me! Forgive me my darkened heart’

But truly, I’m not so sure I forgive.

I see the shadows of remembered slights.

I say ‘wash away my mind of arrows’

But I carry the quiver behind me.

Bitterness twists my upper lip.

And You say –

My Love. Lift your head.

Its one thing to give your Heart,

And another to act upon your giving.

One step at a time.

Let me wash you with My Bliss.

Let me shower you in My Love.

And, one step at a time,

You will clear the construction of your mind.

You will see through the eyes of your heart.

You will see without more willing, you are

Already Drowned, Forgiven and Washed.

Be still. Be with me. Feel the Pulse of Love.

Become All Surrender

Happy the one who has become like us;
who has become all surrender and contentment;
Who has become the pledge of love and madness;
who has become a jewel in the sea of purity.

Rumi

Sadhana – dedication 7th of July 2009

With all of my heart and mind I call upon Gold Tara, my silent inner sanctuary and upon Jesus, my protector and guide and thank them for their loving presence in my life.

Every since you arrived, my life has been filled with the extraordinary and I take this opportunity to express my thanks by increasing the length and intensity of my sadhana.

Let my every breath remind me of your presence and love.

Let every ray of light be your light.

Let every colour be a reflection of your many ways.

Let us join together in love and thanks for the All.

This post is a response to Reaffirm Your Sadhana.

Energy from trees

My family here – my parents, were about to cut down a palm tree. They don’t want them there. I have an instinctive dislike of this chopping – and since I have awakened my sensitivity – its harder to deal with – I feel almost like its murder.

So, I turned my face up and asked my guides – who ever would like to answer me, what could I do to help?

They said – and yes it sounds crazy, and yes I did it… ‘go and put your hands on the tree. Explain what is going to happen – give it a change to shift its energy and with draw itself.’

I went and stood by the tree – and did what I was told. Nothing happened – that I felt – and after a minute or so – I suddenly felt this large pulse of energy come streaming into my hands and forearms. I directed the tree to send it down into the earth – to finish its draining.

At least I felt better. The tree is no longer there…

Be as Still as the Lake

Guides

I have recently begun doing meditation with my guides and learning to contact them – and I feel that they are not ‘mine’ at all – but everyone’s…

The most powerful impression I’ve had so far was after visiting a temple of meditation – and a man came to me – he seemed from India – but not – and it was before the Vedic stage – hence my new interest in pre Vedic religion – and he was kind and warm eyed – and I don’t know his name.
I asked for advice – and he showed me a lake. He said thoughts were like ripplets upon the lake – and my aim was to have the lake as still as can be.

Now I have heard this advice, even read it many times before. Possibly I’ve even used the metaphor myself, however, it was nothing like seeing it like this.

I understood it within my body. I saw the thoughts rise up, I saw that I could not see clearly if I was up set, or ruled by emotion, or thinking at all – as soon as my thinking suspends, then I am still, calm – and a mirror for what is – and from there – there is the ability to see clearly, to be a clean channel for divine light – and what ever else is in store for us on the other side.

But until I am a still lake – …

That’s my aim at the moment – to be. To be one – with no disturbance… As soon as I begin this ‘aim’ – I notice the effect everything has upon me… The coffee races my heart – the television hurts my head – negativity from people around me pound my walls – and then I see why there are so many restrictions around meditation.

They are in effect guidelines, helping tools – but we make them ‘rules’ to die for.
The purpose is stillness – at this stage – and how you get there is your business. Its not for others to insist any way. You need to feel it for yourself. Or go to a sensitive teacher who can help you sincerely.

The other things I had a little tantrum about – while I was meeting with a group of guides – was that sometimes I feel like I don’t have proof. I don’t feel sure of myself. Nothing is manifest – and I felt a little rebuke…

They reminded me of another moment in time – when I was in deep despair – and I asked please, please let me know I’m not crazy – help me to feel you somewhere or see you…. And the answer was a ‘squeeze’ around my heart. It squeezed until I was quite sure – since then I’ve been able to feel my heart at all times. I can feel its beat all the time – as a reminder of my existence and connection to the pulsating energy of the universe.

So – they reminded me of this experience – and if one can blush in the spirit world, then I did – then they reminded me of how sensitive my body was – how I could feel a myriad of movements – and how, with meditation and training – I would be able to feel and live the energy lines of the body and help them to function. I just had to study and be patient and the skills would reveal themselves. So then…

Be as still as a lake…

About Me

I am: half there

I think: as little as possible

I know: nothing

I have: too much

I wish: to see clearly

I hate: my attitude to 'problems'

I miss: nothing

I fear: the crazy woman I seem to be becoming

I hear: screaming children

I smell: not much

I crave: surrender

I search: for me

I wonder: if I'll have that baby girl I dreamt of.

I regret: being such a hothead sometimes...

I love: light

I ache: in my solar plexus - my 'self esteem', my 'power' is transforming and insubstantial

I am not: I am not

I believe: in transformations

I dance: everywhere

I sing: softly, so it sounds better

I cry: from happiness

I fight: me

I win: a little more every day

I lose: when I give into my ego - accusing, superior, arrogant

I never: never say never

I always: try to listen to my inner voice and act on it

I confuse: myself all the time..

I listen: carefully

I can usually be found: looking a bit distracted

I am scared: of some changes... what do they mean for me?

I need: more trust

I am happy about: my mother's 'self help' course

I imagine: too much...



The list I found on Dove's Blog. (copy and paste your own if you wish!)

I am:

I think:

I know:

I have:

I wish:

I hate:

I miss:

I fear:

I hear:

I smell:

I crave:

I search:

I wonder:

I regret:

I love:

I ache:

I am not:

I believe:

I dance:

I sing:

I cry:

I fight:

I win:

I lose:

I never:

I always:

I confuse:

I listen:

I can usually be found:

I am scared:

I need:

I am happy about:

I imagine:

I tag:

Where do you encounter god?

Part I

Here, now
In light and shadow
In my breath
In my sight
In my heart
In my veins
In my bowels
In my mouth
In my softness
In my skin

In the awareness of every cell
In the formation before my eyes
In my nose – in the air
In the tingle across my lips
In my hair – to the very ends
In my teeth and in my arm pits
In the softness of a smile
In the pulse of my blood
In the burning of my feet
In my throat and in my speech
In the gaps between my teeth
In my scalp and eye brows
In my nostrils and tongue
In the liquid of my body

In the movement of divinity
In everything I see.


Part II

In the throbbing of my spine
The tightening of my softness

In the girdle of my middle
warming the golden egg,

In the fluttering of my centre
The ring of protection,

In the opening of my heart
The breaking of its covers,

In the opening of my throat
The sliding in of air,

In the diamond of my forehead
The blessings of my vision,

In the opening of my crown
The pillar of light in my centre.


Part III

The merging of mind, body, spirit and soul.
The integrating of the self.

The open expression of living your highest truth.
To be one with god.

To embrace god
To breathe god
To let every cell of my body be pierced in white.

To be swept in away,
To be whole,
To be awake,
To see,
To smile.

I encounter god in the sword of light that is sheathed along my spine.

Healing the Body - headache

So- I’m discovering the new methods of self help… doing the best I can with the information I have so far…

I used to do ‘qigong’ – and I understood the energy working through me – and I was improved – absolutely – however – I was not inspired –as I am now…

So – we went out – to the beach – it was a long day – at the markets too – and I bought some beautiful sounding dancing bells… for my angels – it feels as though I have magic feet…

This evening – I developed a headache – and it quickly progressed into a sensation of nausea – and I realised it was the beginning of a migraine – something I haven’t suffered very often in the past 15 years… maybe I’ve had two. I felt fearful –because I remember the hurt – but – I sat down, did my qigong massage – began to meditate – and then asked my intuition what the cause of it was – and what I had to do to release…

Remember – if we create our life by our thoughts… then – I can stop the head ache…
I was told I was being judgemental (of course I was – its my ‘thing’) and, I needed to forgive myself, the one I was judging, and release the negative pattern. I needed, also, to apologise – and mean it…

Of course, its easy – once you stay focused on the ‘all is one’ – and crazy as it seems, even though I’ve experienced it myself, in the flesh – I still slip back into believing the ‘ego’ is ‘real’. Of course its not – its just a fabrication of ideas and beliefs – I forgive myself for slipping sometimes… I am human! And its ok. I’m doing the best I can, and its getting easier every day…

So then, the head ache is still blinding me – and nothing is shifting – just I’m meditating – then – I say – how can if ‘fix’ the head ache – so first of all I was guided to ‘pierce’ it with white light – like sharp white bright light – searing each cell that was pained – then I went into a state of natural chi flow – you can read a bit more about it here if you wish, and I found I was upside down… !
So – I quickly changed clothes, emptied my bladder, and went into a headstand – after a few minutes – I felt a ‘shift’ – and I came down – stayed in down dog for a few more minutes – and stood up –

The headache was gone – and though I can feel a certain sensitivity around my eyes – I feel myself ‘recovered’ … so there –

Of course!! This is NOT a diagnoses for anyone else – it purely personal – and works for me…

Healing the Earth Visualisation Meditation

Edmund Harold’s Meditation – as I remember it from when I read it in 1995.

Sit in your comfortable meditation position.

Relaxed body.

Begin by moving through each part of your body, and releasing the physical tensions. Then send your mind outwards, so that you feel the wholeness of your frame, encompassing everything. Allow yourself to drift upwards. Keep floating up until you can see the planet beneath you. Imagine that above the planet was a bright violet flame. Direct the flame to your base chakra – move up through each chakra, clearing, cleansing and balancing- let them spin gloriously.

Once you move to the top, move back down again. Then let the violet flame encompass your entire body. See yourself as a whole, vibrating with violet flame.

See the earth below you, and allow the white light of divinity to shoot through your third eye, or from your heart, or from the top of your head, and send it towards the earth.

Bath the earth with the clean, pure, strong and vibrant healing energy coursing through you.
Continue for as long as you feel necessary. You may direct the light to areas of the earth you feel need it in particular.

When you are ready, come back to your body and awaken in the way you do for deep guided meditation.

Audio Books

I've started listening to audio books.

I listen to affirmations, psychic guided meditation, chakra clearing, cleansing and balancing and meditational.

Its the first time I've been drawn to the medium, and I'm having powerful responses.

I listen to at least two thirty minute sessions a day - usually a bit more.

I feel strong, vibrant and positive. Its exactly what I've needed to help kick start my new oaths to disciplined study.

Morning cleansing

Practice – This morning I did the guided meditation on the John Edward Unleashing your Psychic Potential cd – the elevator one.

Problems – I have been waking up lately, and having immediate open third eye. Lots of visions – and it has been difficult to turn off.

Questions – How to turn off the psychic ‘powers’?

Discovery – Of course, the main thing is to practice. I liked that Edward spoke about the psychic ability as a playful puppy. And at the moment – it does what it wants – and we need to practice more and learn how to control it. That’s exactly where I am at the moment.

Personal – I have a strong visual impression – so that would make me clairvoyant. I have a strong ‘feeling’ of other people’s pain in my own body – and that would make me clairsentient. I have no ability to hear anything as yet (clairaudient), or smell. Taste Clairgustance, Clair scent. For more info, have a look at this link. Its not a clear website, but it describes these terms well enough for the purposes.

After finishing the session, I pulled down the blind over the third eye window – and it worked. I feel like its turned off now – and yet, I feel aware and strong within my self. Full of energy.

Benefits – I like the strictness of Edward’s entrance into the sanctuary. Its just what I need – to feel the seriousness of it and ‘force’ myself to be disciplined and honest with myself and my negativities. I like the exercise at the door – to let go of all of the ‘problems’ – not to let them come with me into the white light… Its important and I can feel already, that it’s the ‘right’ course for me to take at the moment.