Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.

My Previous Attempts to Deal with Food Issues

Q: Since you've become an adult, how have has your relationship to food evolved? 

As a teenager I was well known to be a chocoholic. I used to be able to eat a block of chocolate every day. I could also eat more ice cream than anyone in my class. 

I became a vegetarian when I was 21 and I was a vegan for several years in my twenties. 
In the past few years I've given up a few food like substances, including coke and chewing gum. A few years ago I also gave up coffee because I could see I was addicted to it, even though it was upsetting my stomach after meals and giving me heart palpitations. I gave myself leave to start again on my 45th birthday. I love coffee.

Q: What makes you think you have a problem with food? 

After I had my baby I couldn't lose some of the extra weight I'd gained during the pregnancy. I realised that usually when I started to put on weight, I would just do a few more hours in the gym, and it wasn't really a problem. I correlated low fat as no food problem. As I couldn't shift the weight and I couldn't exercise, I had to look at my food intake. And I realised I was eating a lot more than I thought I was.

I don't know how it happens, but I seem to go blank when I eat sometimes. It really is mindless. In some situations more than others.  

Q: Could you describe your current relationship with food as you see it?

I generally eat rapidly. I eat big mouthfuls and swallow lumps. Most of my meals on my own are finished before 5 minutes. In Spain you can sit around the table for 2 or 3 hours easily and its agony for me. 

I have been practising breathing before meals, and smelling food, and trying to physically relax before consuming food. I have tried to have smaller bites and chew with more awareness. Its difficult and I feel pain when I slow down and bring consciousness to my eating. This is a stressful time for me.

As soon as I have eaten, and I'm full, I usually have a cup of tea. And I'm even fuller afterwards. To the point of bloat. And I stay bloated most of the day. I don't seem to be able to let my stomach empty.  

Out of Control
This is difficult to say, because I obviously pride myself on my control and awareness in many aspects of my life, but yes, I feel that I find myself overeating regularly. I eat past 'full', and I don't seem to be able to stop. I see it clearly. Just writing about this has my heart beating fast. 

Dieting
I don't usually diet because I don't want to restrict my food intake. I have always exercised more instead of cutting back on food. However every year I do a 40 day detox where I follow the Fit for Life program. It has helped me in the past establish healthy eating patterns. I am a disciplined person in some matters, and it can create chaos when this disciplined health conscious side of me sees the unconscious binge eater. I'm working on keeping the name calling down to a minimum. 

Sweets
I started eating more sweets when I was tired and my baby was young. I felt frequently sad and ate pastries to help compensate for my unhappiness. And then I ate more and more. It became a problem for me because I know its not healthy and it doesn't contribute to my long term happiness. 

Hunger
I hardly ever wait until I'm hungry to eat. I eat when there is a space in my stomach.

Self Esteem 
I don't attach my self esteem to my food habits, but it is attached to my body image. I see clearly that the larger I become the more unhappy I am with how I look and the more I feel like its worthless to try to change. Its a vicious cycle. Every now and then I make an effort to change, and I feel trapped in the previous cycle of behaviour. It takes a lot of will power to make changes. Changes that will last. 

Public Confession 
And here I am, shining light on what I see about food in my life. I want it to be out in the open. I want it to be clear. I don't want to pretend. I want to be able to see myself clearly and drag all of that shadow side out into the light. Its helpful to publish this on the Internet. It makes me feel like there is no going back. That this ray of awareness is not just my ray of awareness, but yours too. Your observation adds to my observation so that the ray of light is stronger and I can see and decide clearly what to do for my future. 

At the moment I just want to bring awareness to my relationship with food. I just want to see it clearly. To experience everything with my eyes open. I feel like I am getting to know part of myself I never knew existed. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance before anything else. Observation and acceptance. 

Releasing Pain From The Past

After Dreamland 
So this morning I woke in pain. Piercing pain over the right eye and up into the head, my right shoulder had an inflamed pressure point and my tonsils were sore.
Then I immediately remembered that I had a sore throat and tonsillitis frequently when I was a child and that reminded me about chakras and I put on a 5th throat chakra necklace to help balance out the energetics. 

Yoga Therapist 
A friend of mine wrote to me the other day about some personal issues she was dealing with, and in meditation she heard 'Physician Heal Thyself', and I hear her telling me the same thing. 

I'm sure some of you know, but for those who don't, I'm a yoga therapist. That means I use what I have learnt from yoga (and other disciplines) to help people heal in body and mind. If I had to treat myself, as I do right now, then the first and easiest point to start is with childhood memories, chakras, asana practice and affirmations. Then I usually see how we go from there. I've also started practising tapping, and have found it really helpful. Since Lydia's birth I've also dappled in Homeopathy with the help of Kate and Janet, and this is a totally new world to explore. 

A student/friend of mine suggested I start offering these types of consultations via skype, so perhaps in the next few months we'll get that up and started. 

Why Pain? 
In some painful moments like these, I wonder why on earth I'm digging through heaps of old rubbish just to feel rotten again. I mean, what's the point?

And the truth is, I feel it's my duty. As a person who has chosen to try to be as conscious about her life and life choices as possible, it's my responsibility to clear away as much debris from my life as I can. In clearing my debris, I help clear my personal patterns, my families patterns, and the patterns of the world. In my small way, I am changing the possibilities for our future. And because of that, I must go through these clearings. 

Acceptance is Key
The pain is a release. I have been sitting on fear and repression for many years. It has never been allowed to be expressed. And now, in the safety of my adult arms, it can release itself. All of the pent up emotion, all of the fear, all of the struggle jumping out of the recesses of my memory and my cell tissue like the horrors of Pandora's box. But you know what, once they are released, I've still got something left. Hope. This magical word, ready to to inflame creativity, passion and life itself. 

So yes, sometimes it really does get a bit worse before it gets better. But keep your eye on the goal. It is a process. And right now its painful. Sit with it. Honour it. Give it space to be allowed to exist with no judgement. Breathe deeply. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We can do this. 

Photo Credits Tiffany Jones

The Seven Sins

At home we've been talking about the 7 deadly sins lately.  They are

• Pride
• Envy
• Gluttony
• Lust
• Anger
• Greed
• Sloth

We asked ourselves which one we identified with most. And how could we find its counterpoint - as a conscious reminder.

• Humility
• Kindness
• Abstinence 
• Chastity
• Patience
• Liberality
• Diligence

Of course, it seems  we suffer from a few of them at different levels, but there might be one in particular that seems stronger than the others.

I don't want to discuss my family's weaknesses (well I do, but I don't think it's necessarily thoughtful to them) but I will admit that my sin is 'wrath', or anger.

I'm not sure most people I know would agree, but I can tell you, my closest family know it to be true. I do hold a leash on my anger, but it simmers underneath the surface of my life in the most surprising ways. 

I've learnt techniques to keep it at bay, but honestly, it’s like a leashed animal.

That's where identification comes in. I can identify with my anger, and it can become me, or I can identify with the life that is NOW in my energetic body, this flow within my soul - that is the true me and ride out the fluctuations of this anger like a pro surfer.

That sounds so easy. In some ways it is. I've been heading to this time and time again. Here it is again. Commitment time. Adyashanti said he made a commitment to himself to 'never look back' and he never did. That was it; he didn’t go back into his previous mode of being.

That’s where I am. Never go back.

So, what's different this time?

• I just turned 40. It seems like a birthing into womanhood. You might think it's a bit late, but I feel it, internally, this strength of being that wasn't there before, just because of the number. No more nonsense. 
• I am just coming out of 6 weeks of illness. I had whopping cough and was house bound most of the time. I'm just emerging from my cocoon now. Strong and clear in what I know to be true. 
• Since the sickness I feel different. Like some of the chaff has fallen away. My life force is strong and radiant within. Stronger than ever before. Stronger every day. 
• Amma arrives in about 10 days. I will spend as much time with her as I can. 
• I feel a growing sense of urgency in my transformation. I feel as though it's not just me that I need to do this for. It's for everyone. The more fully awakened people there become, people who truly embody their internal grace, the better chance this world has. One person at a time. A channel of grace on this planet. It's got to make a difference and I feel this pressure building all the time. What might have been a choice is now imminent. There is no room for hesitation. 
• And I received this answer in the I Ching - This is the realm of the Shaman.  You have exhausted every alternative, spent yourself completely, taxed body and mind beyond your former limits.  Survival and salvation lie beyond your reach now.  Only transcendence to a new existence -- a higher plane of being -- will see you through.  The Old You is just a dry husk.  You can't return to it.   Metamorphosis is the only grace offered.  You can only return to your homeland as a New You.

There you go then. Nothing more to wait for. Commitment it is.

Commitment to Affirmations for One Year, Let's do it!

Hi everyone, 

Today I listened to an audio on The Aware Show featuring  Simran Singh.  They offered a PDF file, for free, as part of their special offer. It's still online now if you want to pick it up. It will be there for a couple of days.  

To access it, you'll need to click the special offer button, head to the bottom of that page, and there will be a small box that you will need to fill out with your name and e mail address.  They'll send you an e mail, and you can pick it up from there.

When I glanced through the affirmations, it was like I was being stroked with light from the inside. I don't get that feeling very often. 

Commitment to Affirmations 

I decided to commit myself to the full course.  It's 11 or so affirmations per month that we repeat to ourselves, morning and night, for one year. Today's my first day. I invite you to join me!

If by chance you didn't get the affirmations in time (they will take it off line) send me a mail and I'll send you the PDF. 

Good luck!