Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.

Bringing Consciousness Into the Every Day - Practical Experience

Ok, so we all feel great after a meditation and within a controlled environment.  What happens to our awareness on the field.  When we are placed in situations that have always tested our patience?

Yesterday I went to pick up some groceries from a local co-op. It's a small organic and free trade place.  There were two men behind the counter and one woman being served.   I glanced at the clock.   It took them 7 minutes to attend to me.

The Seven Minutes:  during those minutes I experienced what I always experience in these situations. Frustration,      anger, intolerance, judgement. I felt my body go hot and cold and tingling under my arms from the sensation of pure injustice.

The Difference:  I allowed the sensations. I let them come in. I watched them. I did feel a resistance to them. But I also allowed that.  I had a sensation of guilt (how can I feel so negatively after such a beautifully spiritual morning), but I allowed that too.  And the body moved and changed and the feelings came and went and I watched and stood firmer in awareness than ever before.

Every judgement that came up I felt my initial resistance to feeling negative emotions, and then I deeply allowed and let it go out of the system.  The mind didn't hold on. It truly came and went like clouds passing.  But the awareness, or the clarity of the vast sky remained.

And I walked home, and all traces of the 7 minutes of emotion dropped away.  There was no energetic imprint. It was gone.  There was no repercussion.

No guilt, no 'should', no resistance. Just awareness, accepting and deep watching. One moment at a time.

Adya  reminds us that this is not the 'final place' to rest. But it is the foundation.  The first part was touching upon Awareness itself. The second part was consciously spending more time with it. The third part is bringing it outside of the controlled environments and meditation practice and into real life situations.




Photo: Tiffany Jones Granollers

Stopping the Chase

On Sunday I experienced a shift in awareness that bought on migraines and  pain in my upper back. All I know what to do is move the body. The only message I am getting is to practice asanas more and do the chi ball exercise daily.  Remain for longer and longer periods in full Awareness.

My mind wants to know 'and what next', and all I get is 'dwell in Presence'.  Full stop.

(As a side note, my computer screen is playing up (I can only see two thirds of it), my space bar is stuck and I need to strike it heavily to create a 'space' and the sound connected to the speakers is fading in and out.   Seems typical, yes?  Also some of my English students have decided to take yoga with me next week. When the teacher is ready, the students appear. )



Photo: Tiffany Jones Tossa del Mar

Balking at the Pit Again

I've been here before. I don't remember anyone saying I'd have to keep jumping off the edge. I just thought there was one big jump, but it seems there are more, and the fear is as intense at the first time. 

So a few months back I was sitting here looking out over the park towards the mountain and the light started moving slowly towards me as if I could see the wave of it. Then I noticed it coming into my eye, and being 'perceived' as light - and at the moment it was as if I saw into the 'energy' of the world and my heart beat like a heavy drum and the my mind stopped and I thought 'ok then'. 

But its happening again. More intense and more insistent. It seems there is still more to fathom. And I hate to say it, but I think its actually the embodiment of what I have experienced. I love and loathe this side stepping. I'm afraid the choice is no longer mine. I can only struggle or surrender. Struggling just makes it more painful. 

Into the fray dear friends, let's go. 

Amma in Granollers 2010 - My Second Personal Encounter

This year I was surprised that Amma came to Granollers to give darshan. The sports hall where she came is a ten minute walk from my house.

I spent all of my free time there. I didn't receive darshan this year. I didn't feel like I needed it. I was just happy to see her and be apart of the crowd.

If you don't know much about Hinduism, perhaps it all looks a bit like a circus. People running around in white robes and unfamiliar music being played and people bowing. it can be a bit overwhelming.

I used to feel like that going into a church when I was younger. That I didn't fit in, that I didn't know the rituals and it seemed like an alien place.

And yet, if you have the patience to look beyond all of the circus you will see the most amazing person I have ever laid eyes on. Amma is sweetness personified. She is loving, generous, intense, personal, wisdom personified. She puts all of her idealism into practice, making her true to her word and honest through and through.

I don't know about her devotees, and I don't know what other people want from her. I just know that when I see her smiling face and when I sit nearby watching her take strangers into her arms as though they were her own children, I am truly amazed. A few hours with her help to erase so much of the negative programing we receive in every day life. The 'me first' mentality, the pushing and shoving, the selfishness, the lies of the media, the fear in people's bodies. All of this is shoved aside.

Amma makes it all seem so simple. I am not a devotee. I am an ardent admirer and supporter of Amma's life purpose.  If you get the chance to see her, take it!

Itchy Legs While Running - a Solution!

I started running again about 6 weeks ago. Every day I'd start off with a positive attitude and a sporty gait, and after about ten minutes my skin would start itching to the point of madness. I've read some forum stories of women ripping their skin open in an attempt to ease the discomfort.

It turns out that the itchiness is usually caused by the capillaries expanding upon the introduction of blood to the surface of the skin. That is hot blood moving into the cold and contracted surface of the skin. Some people don't notice it at all, and others can have a lot of problems with pain.

I read some of the online advice and decided against an antihistamine 30 minutes before my jog, or just putting up with it. I thought about the problem and decided that if it was a hot and cold problem, if I started jogging when I was already warm, the problem might be avoided.

A Warm/Hot Bath!

So, before I've been jogging, I've taken a hot bath for ten minutes and I then massage my legs and 'scrub' them with ex foliating gloves.   This stimulates the skin and makes the blood flow to the surface. I then don my normal jogging attire and I have had no problem since. Nothing. Nada. No discomfort.

Now its just a matter of lung capacity, and that I am working on.


Photo: Granollers Half Marathon 2009, Tiffany Jones

Just Beneath the Surface

We’ve been on this path together for a long time. Shifting between teacher and student and into the I’m just going to be ‘me’ for the weekend persona.There’s a new book to discuss, there’s a new meditation or a new teacher or a new dream or experience. And it never stops.
In the past few months, I’ve been deeply listening to Eckhart Tolle and more recently to Adyashanti. And their call is to discover the present moment. To discover ‘what is’ rather than what I want or what I think ‘is’. And remarkably or not, its not one and the same thing.
There have been a few triggers in the audios and books I’ve been reading, but the one that brings me to this moment is ‘is it true?’
This question, when gently asked when any thought arises, acts like a laser gun. Everything is dematerialising before my eyes.
But guess what I discovered just beneath the surface.
A snarling, growling, vicious dog.
That is, someone who is slightly irritated with pretty much everything. The surface appears to be calm, I grant you, but just beneath is a raging whirlpool of black fumes. General dissatisfaction. For everything. Yes, I could say, for pretty much everything. And no, I’m not pre-menstrual.
I’m surprised, to say the least. Lift the lid off the pot to discover a boiling concoction that doesn’t look that tempting for dinner.
Hmm.
When I’m doing yoga, qigong, walking, cooking, studying, typing, I am exploring the layers within for resistance. Am I allowing what ‘is’ to be? Or am I insisting on another framework. Delicious. At every moment I am resisting. Deviously. Secretly. Little pockets of secret forces holding up in my top right shoulder or in the side of my neck. Tension building and afraid of annihilation.
So I turn the light up and shine it on. Is it true? Or is it a fabrication for safety? And the smoke shifts, there’s a certain scuttling and moving away, only to gather again, somewhere else, another layer deep into the terrain of me.
A mission of search and discover. Of claiming territory. Of rooting out illusion and seeing just how deep the infestation has gone.
‘Am I really allowing this moment to be?’
‘Is it the truth?’

I love these phrases. I love them because they are what drove me to seek in the first place. With real innocence and true hunger for the Truth. I was sidetracked by mirrors for a while, but I think I’m back on track.

Words of Wisdom

Words of Wisdom

This is a lovely website, containing information about one woman's search for her take on spirituality. Take a peek. It has some great information.

Meditation Madness

Meditation is a frame of mind. Or, better, its removing the frame of concepts attached to the mind.

Removing or dissolving or coming face to face with your ideas, concepts and expectations can be frightening, magical, an awakening or a terror.

Meditation asks us to see beyond the surface image of all things. It invites us into ‘what is.’

For a Western mind, it can come as a shattering experience. Or it can come as a most beloved and desired gift.

A typical response to googling ‘benefits of meditation’ is from ABC Yoga.

There are many articles if you’d like to do your own research.

However, there are quite a few on the ‘dangers of meditation’ also.

Before beginning meditation, I’d highly recommend students to do some research of their own, and take some responsibility for their chosen path. Make sure you ask your teacher any questions you have, and by all means, if you belong to a religious group, please consult your minister before commencing any meditation program.

An easy way to find out the dangers or criticisms of a chosen subject is to google them – there are plenty of blogs and personal experiences online.

Namaste

Taking the Star Out of the Pose

Taking the Star out of the Pose.

Being an instructor, especially one that is representing a company like Les Mills who promotes a strong star quality in their elite instructors, creates a persona that can be in conflict with the very theme of the instructor’s life.

Body Balance is a fun and rewarding exercise option that introduces superficial aspects of several esoteric eastern systems. It westernizes long standing eastern concepts into easily digestible bite sizes, and entertains us while we learn.

As an instructor, Body Balance emphasises technique and performance and visual perfection above in depth understanding of the benefits and history of poses.

In October of 2007, I left instructing behind, with the intention of getting back to ‘me’. I envisioned myself training, with me as the centre, rather than my students.

The work has paid off, though, it has left me unable to go back. I have no intention of teaching Body Balance again.

Let me say again, that Body Balance has its place in exercise centres. It fills a gap, between aerobics and asana practice – for people who are curious and want to experience a hybrid option. Its uplifting and brings people together in a way they might never have had the chance to before and I continue to support the Les Mill’s team.

However, it is time for me to turn to the elements in my life that resonate clearly for me. And that is by returning to study yoga, qigong and meditation techniques.

I won’t be as employable. I won’t have as many doors open, and I won’t be shining my inner star for Body Balance any more - but I will feel true to myself, and with that, more peaceful.

Les Mills, and Body Balance, and all that you represent – thank you for the ride! Its time for me to get off here.

Where Lies the Freedom of Rules?

Where is the freedom of rules?

“Think not that we have revealed unto you a mere code of laws.”
Baha’u’ llaha

When we start out, and begin looking at religions, trying to find what resonates, we come up against laws.

We, as Seekers, based in the West and looking eastward, are stifled by the Church, by the good and bad morality, by the judgement and the guilt. We’re looking for more than material gain and a suffocating marriage where we smile with the mouth only.

We question the rules we have been taught. We question the ten commandments – and we come to some agreement with some of them, while others make us feel pressured, as though we were going against our own self.

Be careful.

Step warily.

Once you have chosen the seekers path, there are many ways leading into the darkness of the self. The self that twists and turns like wind in a storm. Be careful not to become the shadow of a rock, for fear. Be aware of the ego and the demands of this selfish child.

Search, discover, stand firm.

The laws – the guidelines - the rules, they are there, for a reason. Some need to be questioned – and some will reveal their treasure to you.

You are not the first. You are not the last. We are all together. Some have less awareness, others have more. You and I are in the middle of it all, together, taking this journey.

Stay humble. Watch your ego. Listen to nature. Let your heart sing.

Remember that in a storm, the strong and unbending oak is torn up by its roots.

But the bamboo, its roots stay firm, while it allows itself to bend gently this way and that, and when the storm resides, its roots are firmly in place. Be like the bamboo. Find your strength and let the winds come. The winds do come. There is no denying it. They are but winds, and you will endure.

What to think about during yoga?

q

Personally, my attention shifts between several main purposes, depending on my circumstances.
Because I’m an instructor, sometimes I need to ‘practice’ the form and pay attention to technical detail. I like to listen to other yoga student’s experiences and see how I can incorporate their feelings into my own practice. I do this because it adds to a greater understanding of my student’s experiences. But this practice is physically based and doesn’t fulfill the need I have for meditation in movement.

* Sometimes I concentrate on the breath.

* Sometimes I concentrate on the weight distribution of my body across my feet and hands.

* Sometimes I focus on the stomach lock and ‘lifting’ the perineum.

* Sometimes I focus on the eye gaze and keep my face soft.

And then, sometimes, and more now than at any time before, I experience yoga. Yoga, that is, unity of movement. My focus is on the whole.

The mind is turned off. There is quiet. There is, and I exist within the forms.

And then, I am at one and my heart rings clearly, its vibrations moving like ripples of water on a lake through my body.

How to be unified in your practice?

Begin in the ‘right’ frame of mind
Understand what you are going to do. Turn the chatterbox off. Meditate quietly first and move into asana practice naturally.

Slow
For me, to practice ‘yoga’, I need to go slow. Hold poses for longer. Send your mind outwards. Feel yourself extend.

Smile
The inner smile is just the easiest way to feel one – smile from the inside with your practice. Feel the joy in your body. Let it lift you.

Student Advice
When you go to your yoga teacher – listen, pay attention, learn. Keep your ears open and your mind turned off. Practice with love towards your body.

When you are at home – do yoga. Be unified. Step onto your mat – let the things you have learnt in class disappear – and just be. Then you are yoga – then you are in unity, not wanting to be.

Three Blogs!

The trinity.

The three is actually, just the one.

Suddenly I have three blogs. It wasn’t intentional, but somehow they have evolved, and if I am honest with myself, they represent three categories.

Patheya.blogspot – Body orientated news (body)

On being human – What I’m thinking about (mind)

The death of me – My current spiritual/philosophical outlook (spirit)

The topics are interrelated, but sometimes I’m focusing on one aspect of the self above the other. So, if you are a reader of one of these blogs, perhaps its worth knowing about the others, just to have a better overview of what’s happening.

At this moment in time, I’m focused on my spiritual outlook to life, so the patheya.blogspot hasn’t been receiving as much attention as it once did. The thing about life is it seems to go in cycles… so I’m sure my energy will be focused on the body again in time.

I wanted to apologise to anyone who may have expected more articles and news in the patheya blogspot. You are more than welcome to take a peek into the other blogs for a bit of interesting reading.

As always, comments welcome.

That question again!

In an open inquiry I read (the letter has been edited for the sake of clarity) -

“Does God, in any form, exist?

I cannot grasp the idea of a religion.

I cannot even grasp the concept of faith, in any form.

I want to be able to grasp the idea of faith, but find it impossible.

Help clarify faith for me.

I long to understand faith or religion of any type, because knowledge alone seems pretty lonely a thing to have all my life.”


I’ve been contemplating for a few days whether to answer or not.

I’m only going to give another opinion to a person who is already confused. Sometimes, in these cases, less is more.
Finally, I woke up today, and knew I had to contribute. This is what I wrote -


“I’m touched by your concern and honest struggle. Let me ask you some questions for your consideration.

What do you mean by ‘God’? Can you explain what the term ‘god’ is, to you (not what other people say, but what you ‘think’ and ‘feel’, if there was a god)

Religion is not god. Its human’s ‘rules and rituals’ concerning their beliefs about god.

Faith – in what? What do you want to have faith in? What is it you are really seeking?

The only proof of ‘faith’ that you need is your own existence. You are a manifestation, of something. What is that something? Where does it come from? How can we discover it?

The questions – and the answer?

The micro-macro theory helps. It’s a system that suggests we look at the one, so that we can see the all. The laws of nature – at a miniscule level… and thus, the fascination of quantum physics by open minded spiritual seekers.

This is only a little step. But guess what?

Even though the Buddha came up with the eightfold path, you know what he did to become enlightened?

He sat under a tree and said ‘I’ve been searching and searching for the answer. I’m still no closer to the truth. I give up. I’m going to sit here and meditate until I find the answer.’ He gave up searching, and just ‘existed’. And then, bang. “

As always, comments welcome.

Time to Tighten Up

We’ve been traveling for two months around the top part of Eastern Australia. I’ve come back and found, not very surprisingly, that my stomach is soft and squishy and not at all like it was when we left.

Of course, I’ll start tomorrow.

Increasing awareness into the stomach area. Even as I sit here I can feel it sagging out.

Begin with gentle Pilates inspired exercises. I don’t like hard work or pain… so I’ll start slowly and build up my strength over the next few weeks.

On Monday (four days away), I will begin to limit the food I am enjoying rather lustily now. We’ve been eating what’s available rather than what I wanted, so now I will allow myself a little period of indulgence.

I will start to ride my bike again, starting from Monday.

Remember to always put off to another day allll exercise, unless you really mean what you say about ‘getting rid of it’.

Nobody will listen to a word I say if I don’t get rid of it.

wish me luck!!

For those of you that know me, this is to PROVE that it happens to everyone!!

I honestly feel like I did after I gave birth to Jett…..

Happily, I don’t mind as much as I thought I would about having a rounded tum.