Balking at the Pit Again

I've been here before. I don't remember anyone saying I'd have to keep jumping off the edge. I just thought there was one big jump, but it seems there are more, and the fear is as intense at the first time. 

So a few months back I was sitting here looking out over the park towards the mountain and the light started moving slowly towards me as if I could see the wave of it. Then I noticed it coming into my eye, and being 'perceived' as light - and at the moment it was as if I saw into the 'energy' of the world and my heart beat like a heavy drum and the my mind stopped and I thought 'ok then'. 

But its happening again. More intense and more insistent. It seems there is still more to fathom. And I hate to say it, but I think its actually the embodiment of what I have experienced. I love and loathe this side stepping. I'm afraid the choice is no longer mine. I can only struggle or surrender. Struggling just makes it more painful. 

Into the fray dear friends, let's go.