Forty Fat and UnFit

What happened exactly?

Of course my life changed dramatically when I left Norway 8 years ago. I was a fitness instructor in a busy gym. I trained regularly on top of the classes I had and I knew my place in the world. I was a yoga teacher and I was multi skilled in the fitness arena. I was versatile and could take Pilates, core strength classes, kids classes, rehab classes. I even created a fitness belly dance class. That was the centre of my life.

First comes love, then comes the Marriage.

My little family of three moved and we travelled around south east Asia and to Australia. We were on the move for two years. I home schooled my son and I practised yoga and when I could. I even practised by the river Ganges. We did pilgrimages to sacred sites and I prayed, meditated and I felt like I was deepening my awareness of life and spirit. 

Settling Down

We moved to this apartment in Granollers Catalonia about 6 years ago. I'm about to get my residency permit. So for 6 years I haven't been able to work, legally. There have been some loopholes that some people have been willing to fall in, so I have been working on and off when I could. 

My role changed from single independent mother, bread earner, creator and manager of my destiny to mother, cook, cleaner, supportive partner and occasional teacher. I felt disempowered. My heart and mind hadn't caught up to my reality. Yes, I blogged about my experiences. Yes I trained and walked and explored. Yes I tried to do the best I could with what I had, but a fundamental flaw remained. 

Then Comes the Baby Sitting in the Carriage 

We had a baby. It really got between me and who I thought I was. My need to be a good mother was fighting with my need to be a yoga teacher. Both were failing. I suffered some problems towards the end of my pregnancy. My skin was itching terribly. I had pain in my back. I felt alone, tired and ridiculous. What was I doing, a forty something without many friends or family around her having a baby? Was I crazy? There is no financial support here in Spain, for a baby. The father gets two weeks leave. My family were in Australia. If I didn't have a compulsive cleaning teenage son and Kate my best friend here, I would have fallen off the deep end.  Albert works long hours. He's often out of the house twelve hours a day. I can tell you vomit, a demanding baby, being three days unshowered, the house work getting out of control can send anyone over the edge. Don't even get me started on lack of sleep. Lydia at 2 years and 3 months has just started sleeping better, and I do believe it's one of the reasons I'm feeling so much better. 

Basically sweet pastry became my best friend. I have been known to go on a walk and stop in every single bakery along the way, just for a little something. Yes. And I lied about it. Actually, about a year ago I realised I was a binge eater. I had no idea. I just seemed to blank out. I was lying about the food I was eating. I started to think about food more, and it's control over me. I blogged a bit about it last year. That was shedding some light on who I had become. Someone I didn't recognise. 

Where is Your Self Esteem Plugged In?

I didn't realise I was getting my self esteem from my strong athletic body. But I was. So if I was fat and flabby, how do you think my self esteem was talking to me every day I looked in the mirror? 

I didn't realise that I was used to getting support from my social group and my work. I used to be praised often. I used to be called upon to shed light on a matter. People contacted me to help solve problems. And here, I was nobody. Nobody was calling me. Nobody was telling me I was special and gifted and an angel. Here I felt ignored. Looked over. Unimportant. And I was in a rage about it. My little me was shouting all the time 'what about me? I am important too! I am somebody' 

But the fact is, I used to be a somebody. Then I became a nobody. And now, I am just me. I don't need the approval  of others. I'm not looking for it. I am not in the self pity game of 'poor little me' - I've been there and done that. It's not for me. No label for me just now. And breathe.

Who am I?

I still considered myself a yoga teacher first. A teacher. And I wasn't. I was failing. I was two sizes bigger than I was before I was pregnant.  And as the years went by, I discovered I was becoming embittered, frustrated, angry. At everything and everyone. Because they were in the way of who I thought I was.

Thank God for having a change of mind, a change of heart. Thank God for learning about yourself and being able to flick a switch on in your darkest moments. 

And here I am, rebuilding my life based on who I am at the moment. I wrote a bit about it before, but I can't tell you enough how important this moment has been to me. 

From frustrated and impotent yoga teacher to fulfilled mother, determined house keeper, loving cook, and heartfelt companion to my family. Like I've said before, I still teach sometimes. And I have other part time jobs, including a new online jewellery shop. But number one is my two year old daughter. I will not spend one more second wishing for something I don't have, consciously or not. I am filled to the brim with my life here. If only I let it in. And not see it as 'worse', or 'failing'. How can being an attentive mother to a darling girl be a failing?! How could I think I needed to do more to be more to achieve more? 

And do you know what? My headaches stopped. And the pain in my neck stopped. I'm smiling again. And exercising. I feel like fruit instead of chocolate. I still feel like chocolate, just not as much. And I'm just buzzing with life and creativity. I can feel the spirit move within me. My vision has started buzzing. 

Conscious Archetypal Shift! It's possible and it's wonderful.

I've even started thinking in poetry again, and that's always a sign I'm plugged into the source of Life. 

An Ex-Yoga Teacher on Aging and Fat Tissue

Addressing the Body

I've always been athletic. The only place I found validation for my athletic body was in a gym. Gym owners loved my sprinter's thighs and I worked on my upper body to get it in balance with the rest of me. Remember, this was before Madonna made biceps fashionable. 

I trained for fitness competitions when I was in my twenties and walked around on stage in a bikini flexing my muscles. 

I loved athletic yoga. I have spent half my life in a gym training. I really enjoy it. And I am sure one day, when the time is right, I will go back and start training again.

But at the moment I'm a stay at home mother who has deleted most of the exceptionally beautiful yoga instagramers from her phone because it makes her depressed to see everyone in great shape while she is sitting with rolls of fat and her thighs rubbing together. I thought it would be inspiring, and its not. It's just irritating. 

I especially used to follow a woman who has three little children and a flat ironing board stomach and she used to say 'no excuses!' and shout it at the camera and I was honestly terrified. I only felt more shame for my inability to get on top of my weight gain. I happily unfollowed her and have been feeling remarkably better. 

Moving from Fear into Acceptance

We all know the drill. Face your fears. Just do it. It's so common that it's trade marked. But that doesn't mean it's not true.  I have posted a few pictures of my stomach and I aim to continue posting pictures of my body, not necessarily just the parts I'm uncomfortable with, but all of it. It's ok. It's just a photo. It's not me. I can not be defined by a few rolls of fat. Even though I was living in total fear of them.

Ever since I posted the first picture, and facebook tells me thousands of people have seen it,  I feel liberated. I feel fantastic. The other day I was walking through our town and a few heads turned to check me out, and I let my stomach out, and felt it wobble and thought yeah, and with a belly. That's right. Check it out! It was really funny. I surprise myself. I had no idea how much I cared about my extra jiggle. 

Archetypal Shift

I'm big into archetypes and I like to read about them and talk about them in a way to help understand what is going  on. And during December I went through a conscious archetypal shift. I went from fear to fun, in one night.

I was living in 'used to be' land. That is, I used to be a fitness professional. I was a teacher, instructor and I felt a lot of responsibility to maintain that image. And every day I was failing. I was getting fatter and less fit and resenting my life changes because I wasn't being the best I could be. Yes, that's my perfectionist! 

Once I realised what was happening, I turned to my self and said, give it up. Just stop. You are not a fitness professional any more. You are not a yoga teacher. You are a stay at home mother who has a few classes here and there. Just give it up. And I cried. And I felt grief. And the next day I woke up feeling wonderful, and it was the beginning of facing my fears.

I didn't have to struggle to be perfect any more and I could be just a fat bottomed mum, just like everyone else. It is wonderful. No more judgement and expectations. And I have my sense of humour back, my sense of fun and wonder. My writer re-emerged. And here I am blogging again! I love my writer! She's interested in the world, she's fun to be with, she wants to be engaged in life and talk about things and explore deep issues. My yoga teacher wants discipline and practice, and if you fail her, she's constantly disappointed and frustrated. And that's how I spent the last 6 years of my life. 

Being a sad, disappointment to myself. And feeling everything was in my way of being where and who I was suppose to be. 

Let's get something clear. I still teach. I still practice when I can, and I still give talks. But I am not going to be dominated by that dictator in my mind who thinks she knows better than I do.

No. 

First and foremost at this time in my life, I am a mother. And I tell you right now that I am turning to embrace this wonderful experience. I will not spend another minute of my life wishing for something that I do not have. I embrace this life. I welcome it. And these are not just words. This is what is alive in me. But I did have to let the other one go. Before the new could come in to take it's place.

And I won't be in 'Mother' for ever, but I am now, and I am so happy for the shift. I'm happy for this opportunity, I'm happy for not bringing my daughter up to feel that she was in the way of my dreams. No. She is in my dreams. Actually, literally. This is a post from 2008 about dreaming of Lydia!! Just saw it today and was seriously amazed. 

Thank you.

Revisiting Fatty Fat

I was watching that Eminem movie the other day, and I was struck by the truth of moment. If you put all of your fears out there, what can you or anyone else do? You can't be afraid any more. Nobody can say what you haven't already said yourself. 

It's so sad to admit, but one of the things I'm afraid of the most is someone asking me if I'm pregnant again. I dress to cover my stomach. I usually dress in really baggy tops. Partly it's genetics. My mother also tends to carry weight around her stomach. It's partly being two sizes bigger than I was three years ago. It's partly just eating too much. 

And I don't want to be afraid any more. 

So here are the two things about my body I am trying to constantly hide - my stomach and my triple chin.

It's liberating to see it up on the big screen.

I know this isn't for everyone. 

But it is for me. 

I don't want to be afraid of my own body any more.

I want to practice what I preach. 

Self acceptance. Self awareness. Truth seeking. 

I was writing on Fat back in May of last year. Especially pertaining to my eating habits. Here's the link if you're interested. 

I am Not a Yoga Teacher

What a frigging relief.

I don't have to live up to self imposed unattainable standards. I'm my own worst nightmare. 

You know what I always wanted to do? Write. Just write. And that's what I'm going to do. Get back to basics.

I was brought up athletic and I love to play sports, but somehow, with teaching and considering myself a role model, I've lost my love. I've lost what I want to do. I'm just a shell.

I used to be somebody. Then I was nobody. And now, maybe, I can be who I really am - just simply me, no strings attached.

That's my New Year's Intention. To be me. To open my mind to the Light. To let the Light shine through the me. That's it. Awareness. Clarity. Simplicity. Get back to basics. 

First and foremost I'm a mother of a two year old. I'm a stay at home mum. I'm tired of feeling that being a mother is in the way of what I really should be doing. I am what I am. Not more, not less. And I'm telling myself, not you. I'm explaining something very simple to myself. 

It's been painful to lose the person I thought I was. To lose the Somebody part of me. I didn't want to give it up. And I've been so miserable maintaining a façade of Somebody. Underneath there was a deep fear I was Nobody. And that's kept me trapped between fear and struggling to revive the shadow of a used to be. Much worse than a Somebody. Just a used to be. 

And I know this is a struggle going on in my mind. I'd be labelled mad, for sure, if anyone could hear what was going on. 

Anyway, one step at a time. To begin with, I am not a yoga teacher. 

First World Guilt Tears Us Up

So I'm feeling frustrated because I haven't been able to prepare healthy meals like I'd like to, and a few nights a week we eat 'easy and simple' - read frozen pizza or equivalent and a salad to compensate. And simultaneously I am conscious that there are people who don't have the option of preparing healthy meals, ever, and definitely don't have the option of picking up some quick food from the supermarket on the way home from work.

I find myself splitting.

I hear myself talking myself into guilt ridden situations and remind myself that I, in fact, as a used to be meditater and use to be yoga instructor, should know better than to listen to and believe in the negative chatter conjured up by the monkey mind. And still my shoulders tense and I feel bad.

I know I am splitting.

I feel like Mr Mom. I picture Micheal Keating pigging out in front of soap operas and identify.

My little girl is asleep for at least an hour in the afternoons, and I have piles of dishes and laundry to sort, and I do not want to do it! I refuse to spend that little bit of free time doing house hold chores. I resent the housework like it's eating into my free time, instead of tending to it with love and care. Instead of blessing it with attention and being happy to make it into a comfortable home for my family, I resent it for eating into MY time. And I feel guilty for thinking I deserve My time. I'm sure that nearly every person in my ancestry  didn't have as much free time as I do, and I still want more. It's never ending. And even if I get an extra hour, I want another hour. I am the free time monster.

I know all the sides of the argument - but it's how I feel. I want and feel that I need time to do what I want. To feel like me, without the apartment, without being a female, without being a mother, without being a partner, without being a friend. Just purely selfish me time.   And you know what, even if I had an hour, I wouldn't know what to do with it. I'd probably sit on facebook liking delicious meals and pretty homes and adorable babies and kittens.

I never used to be like this.

I resent the younger me. I resent that she was happy and didn't know it.

Oh, don't think I can't hear your judgement. Oh, but you have a lovely little girl, aren't you happy being a mother with the look of what kind of female are you - pile on the guilt. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I love Lydia. I would not change a thing. She brings so much joy and brings laughter into our home. I adore spending fun time with her, and I'm so glad we can afford to keep her at home in these precious years.

That said, I'm not at all organised in my home or personal life. Everything is out of control and I am getting by. And the fact is, I see it on so many women's faces. They are disheartened  by life. They are despondent  and fed up and miserable.

I don't think I've every been especially pretty, really. But I was alive. I was the happiest person I knew. I vibrated with life and awareness. And somehow, over the past ten years, I have caved inwards and met the little poisonous snarling animal in me that hates existing and sees misery everywhere and understands why people just get up and leave their lives and never come back.

And for a few days, without guilt, and without shoulds, I'm going to sit with this. Out loud. And let it be ok to feel like that. I'm tired of feeling guilty, of feeling like I should know better, of thinking anything that makes how I feel not ok.

We are human. This is it. I don't want words of encouragement or trite things like 'things will look up soon'. I just want to express. And I know I am not alone in this. Just for a few days. Just let it be. That's all. And we'll talk about shifting out of this another time. Just not now.

Thanks for listening. 

Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.

Sitting in Awareness

So, who am I underneath all of the control? (This post is related the the previous one.)

When a student comes to see me for the first time, I always explain that there are two paths to take. The path to self improvement, or the path to awakening from the little self. Nobody wants to wake up. And that takes courage to admit. Nobody really knows what's going to happen to them, and everyone is afraid of words like God and spirit and awakening. 

We're happy to meditate and practice yoga and we're happy to chant a mantra, but when it gets down to it, we feel very uncomfortable about talking about God and our life's purpose. And we should be. It's a huge question and it has the possibility to change your life for ever. 

I was looking at my need to exercise, and my need to control my food intake and I was looking at my lifestyle, and I realised that many of my choices are based in a fear of becoming something I didn't want to be. So I have chosen a lifestyle that I hoped would stop me being close minded, fat, unhealthy, bored by life, ungrateful, dishonest and a slave to the dollar.

Being in Catalonia, I noticed that many Catalans describe themselves in terms of 'nots'. That is they are not like the people of the south and they are not like the French and they are not like the Spanish of the centre. I always thought that was peculiar because I'm from Australia and I didn't grow up comparing myself to another country (at least in the 70's and 80's). 

However I see clearly that I have set up a lifestyle dedicated to nots. And food and fatness is one of them. I'm a vegetarian, not necessarily because I am a healthy person or I love vegetables, but because I don't like people killing animals for food in a factory line up. I hate it. So even my number one restriction about food is about being NOT a meat eater. And it continues through so many of my choices.

What am I going to do?

Well, I've banned the scales for one. I will not step foot on a scale for the rest of the year. I'm going to do a little experiment on myself and discover what I really like. Not what I don't like. 

This is not for ever. Just for the rest of the year. I want to know what I like. When I was much younger I read a book by Banana Yoshimoto, Kitchen. There's a passage in it that I have often thought about. The protagonist was used to eating eggs the way her partner ate eggs, and he called her out on it. She discovered that she didn't know what she liked and didn't like. She was easy going and didn't mind. But that was just the surface. The book is about her journey into discovering how she liked her eggs and so much more. 

Good luck to me!

Fatty, Fat Fat

During the past few days I've had to look closely at some of my belief patterns pertaining to food and body image. I've had to look at my feelings towards being female, fatness and food.  

Mindful Eating Update
My family, my son and partner, have flat out refused to do the mindful eating meditation with me, even once. That's their choice. So, when I put the meditation on, I am alone with my little girl. 

The meditation goes for about 9 minutes. The first two minutes are about relaxing and settling into the senses. I have not been able to get past 30 seconds before I am already putting food into my mouth. I am watching myself, and I feel anxious and tense. Even as the audio says to go slowly, I am speeding up. I have always finished my food within 5 minutes. I can stop before I am stuffed, but I am always full. 

I have been trying to do this meditation without criticism and name calling. But with observation, acceptance, and calm. 

Fat

You're not going to like what I have to say. 

I have never liked fat. Fat on me, or fat on anyone else. I'm a fattist. I have associated lack of fat with worthiness. Fat always indicated negative characteristics like greed, laziness, selfishness. I have never been fat, until now. I didn't mind being a bit fat because I had my baby girl as an excuse. I told my family I would be back in shape within 6 months. It's now 18 months, and I am not back in shape. 

I started to get fatter when I was about 14 and I got my period and I started to fill out in the hips. I hated my body changing. I hated the fat on my thighs. I thought my thighs were huge monstrous things. I used to be a runner, and my grandmother told me that if I didn't stop running my legs would get so big that no man would ever be interested in me. 

Fat reminded me of my step mother. I disliked my step mother, a lot. She was tall, blonde and big busted. I saw her as fat. I didn't want to be a woman. Women were weak. Men were strong. It really is that simple. 

I thought I had removed or dealt with these problems from my mind, but the further I go into the mindless eating, the more they rise up in front of me. 

I am not just dealing with eating too much, I am dealing with my relationship to fat and females and issues of power and control. 

Who Had the Power in Your Childhood?

I was talking to Kate this morning, and as I was talking about discipline, she said something that made a lot of sense.  She reminded me that if my father was so controlling, the only way I could maintain some freedom, something a bit wild, was by having a secret relationship to food. 

My father was a a master manipulator. He was the one with the power in our house and he controlled everyone, one way or another. Control is a big issue for all of us, and as I have stopped judging myself as I eat and I have stopped trying to control my weight or worry about my body, I do really feel as if I am losing control over many aspects of my life. I'm even starting to waddle when I walk. 

Since not seeing my father in the last 20 years, in some ways I have become a father to myself. I control myself, I am disciplined and rigid in some issues. My relationship with myself is in many ways a mirrored relationship of my father and myself as a child. And seeing this is huge. It's painful, sad and a huge relief. I thought I had let him go, with forgiveness, but I had carried him with me inside of my head. Not necessarily his belief systems, but many of his values. 

Kate also noticed I was calling the mindless eater names. It seems to be its own entity. But what was nice having Kate to talk about it with me, is she was gentle and curious about this darkness, not judgemental or willing it gone. So even on top of the observation, I could add a little compassion and curiosity to this aspect of myself, it could help it to surface more clearly. 

Discipline or is it Control? 
I'm a disciplined person when it comes to certain things in my life, like exercise. When I have decided to do a thing, like train for a half marathon, or learn pilates, I do it. No excuses. But when does discipline become a need to control? When does it start to impose itself on yourself and others? I have a strong judge archetype. It's often rigid and critical when it's in its shadow side. And again, let's just sit back and watch it. Let it out. Observation and acceptance. 

Who Am I?
When did you first ask yourself this question? Have you ever asked yourself? The first time I seriously asked myself this question I was 21. I still don't know. It really does feel like there are layers upon layers and even though I think I see glimpses of light, there seems to be always another layer to peel off. 

This post is a bit all over the place. I have a lot going on. Bear with me. 

Recreating a Childhood Atmosphere Using Music

I'm a throw yourself right into it kind of person, so I have started to think about ways to reconstruct some of the childhood paradigm to help facilitate remembrance. 

The most obvious way is to listen to the top hits of the era. I was born in 1971, so I've started listening to 70's hits. I think it could be beneficial to listen to music from my parent's childhood too. 

As I connect to food and eating on a more conscious level, I'm discovering that I'm afraid.  I feel afraid. My body starts to contract and my heart hurts. I feel myself shrivel up. I spoke to one of my sisters today via skype and I felt nervous and uncomfortable. I was surprised by my reaction. I had no idea that I had a blockage about food in any way. And now there is this huge tangled pit. I am still in a state of surprise about that. 

I've been going through several mild panic attacks daily for the past few days. I don't know where this is leading, but I do have the tail of a dragon in my grasp.

What!? A Food Problem?! Me??

How did I get to be 43 and discover I had issues with eating? And how was it that someone like me, someone who had been keenly observing herself for over twenty years, who was a fitness professional, a yoga, qigong, meditation, pilates instructor, and a personal trainer suddenly discover she was a mindless eater? The mind boggles.

But here I am, 43, and I am here to say I am an addict. I'm addicted to sugar, chocolate, being full (I drink tea all day to maintain a full sensation in the stomach), wheat dressed up as white bread and pastries and I am also addicted to being right, judgements, certain stories in my head that help me to feel like my resentments and my poor behaviour of the past is justified, and myself. I am addicted to myself and my story.

So part of writing this, which I love because its about myself, let’s be honest, is about facing these things about myself. Honestly. As straight forward as I can manage, with as little deviation from the truth as I can muster. Honesty, where it hits the constructs of our defences against the ‘them’ that can hurt us, is tough to muster, but well. Let’s go.

Basically I'm  a mother of an 18 month old and I don’t have the time to exercise like I used to. So I didn't realize I had a problem with eating, because if I put on a bit of weight prior to baby,  I would just do some more exercise. I correlated gaining weight with an eating problem, even though I was never taught that as a fitness professional. I even remember a Fat Albert episode where Fat Albert was eating bowls and bowls of salad, and his skinny friend was eating lots of sugar, and it was the skinny friend who felt sick and couldn't play sport, while Fat Albert was healthy and mobile.

I have been a size 34 for most of my adult life. In the past five years, that has moved up to a 36 and I didn't mind. Now I'm a 38. I don’t think I'm overweight, I'm just bigger than I was before. And I don’t seem to be able to lose the rest of the weight by restricting my food intake. And that’s how I discovered I was addicted. I had a 40 day detox and I lost 4 kilos, but as I'm sure you’re guessing, as soon as I could, I ran straight to the bakery and shoved cake and donuts into my open and salivating mouth.  Mindlessly.

I watched myself, quite surprised. And I looked back and saw a history of binge eating that I had never considered before. It had never been a problem because it didn't show up in fat tissue. When I am in a chaotic moment, apart from breathing, meditation and lots of exercise, I would binge eat or shop. And I was not conscious about it, at all.

So I'm restarting my blog after quite a sabbatical to journal what happens from here. You are very welcome to join me as I move from mindless eating to well, to where ever it takes me. 

Balking at the Pit Again

I've been here before. I don't remember anyone saying I'd have to keep jumping off the edge. I just thought there was one big jump, but it seems there are more, and the fear is as intense at the first time. 

So a few months back I was sitting here looking out over the park towards the mountain and the light started moving slowly towards me as if I could see the wave of it. Then I noticed it coming into my eye, and being 'perceived' as light - and at the moment it was as if I saw into the 'energy' of the world and my heart beat like a heavy drum and the my mind stopped and I thought 'ok then'. 

But its happening again. More intense and more insistent. It seems there is still more to fathom. And I hate to say it, but I think its actually the embodiment of what I have experienced. I love and loathe this side stepping. I'm afraid the choice is no longer mine. I can only struggle or surrender. Struggling just makes it more painful. 

Into the fray dear friends, let's go. 

Shades of Forgiveness

 For me, when I experience intense levels of pain, I often find myself in tune with a deep stillness within me. A great watching seems to arise and if I am very gentle, careful, it stays within my consciousness.

Yesterday I suffered migraine. Intense pain in the back of the head, light sensitivity and shooting pain into the neck. It was my first migraine for about 6 months.

Within the pain, while I was laying in bed, the shades drawn and the room dark, my eyes tightly closed, the great watching arose strong and palpable. Breathing softly I let my mind rest on it until the mind slipped away and I was. Nothing more.

But from within that moment, I discover what’s going on within my body and how I can, if I listen, heal myself.

Forgiveness.

I have been down this road many a time. I’ve put people up on the stage, I’ve spoken words of forgiveness, I’ve written letters, I’ve done mirror work, I’ve imagined my parents as children, I’ve released personal vendettas and given up on blaming anyone for anything.

Except God.

When I looked closer into the pain I was experiencing across my shoulders, I realised I was incredibly resentful. I was past blaming the people for their narrow minds or their selfishness or their violence, but I was laying the blame at God’s feet. Not verbally. Not truly consciously. But if everything is God and God is everything, then what the hell is wrong with the world? And the answer was ‘nothing’. Nothing is wrong with it. The only thing that was wrong with it was my attitude.  That I was not surrendered, that I was still fighting.

Even within the midst of my pain I was wondering why God was making me suffer. Why is God sending me this pain? Last night I heard an explanation of God in the movie ‘The Island’.

‘Who’s God?’ asked the clone. And the cynic answered something like ‘You know when you close your eyes really tightly and wish for something real bad? Well God’s the guy that doesn’t give it to you.’

My mind is still fighting with my soul. My mind is refusing to let me go. And the way that I can bypass this war, at this moment in time, is through deep cellular forgiveness of God and forgiveness of my petty arrogance in thinking I know better than all of creation. Don’t think I don’t see that humility is part and parcel of the whole forgiveness thing. Someone who accuses (someone like me) thinks they know better. My mind really thinks it knows better than the creative force of the Universe. Sometimes, when I look a little closer at myself, I’m amazed at my arrogance. I guess its similar to those tiny dogs that bark like crazy when they are threatened. Their belief that they are big and important help them think they will survive. Little knowing that their self importance didn’t bring them into the world in the first place.

In True Meditation, Adyashanti says ‘In a sense, meditation is the ultimate act of faith. Because to sit down and allow everything to be as it already is, to let go of control, to let go of manipulation, is itself a very deep act of faith.’

I’ve heard this CD countless times, but today those words rang true in my ears. There is still a part of me resisting. I am still doubting that its ‘ok’. I’m still thinking, somewhere in the back of my mind, that hey, Father, I think you got it wrong. I haven’t dared to really look at this closely before. I didn’t like to think of myself as knowing better than God/Divine Consciousness/Creative Force/The Unnameable Mystery. 

Darcy says to Bridget Jones ‘I like you just as you are.’ I baulk to say that to the world, to say that to God, to say that to people. There is a part of me that is repulsed by our selfishness, our greed, our lies, our short sightedness. There is a part of me that wonders if we are not just some huge mistake. A flaw in the perfect expression of nature.

And then there is another part of me that feels such tenderness.  That sees the evolving consciousness of people like a developing embryo. Underneath each and every one of us is the divine spark of life, the creative juice running through and within and above and below every action, every thought. A huge unimaginable net of living sparks of expression.  A movement of curiosity and seeking and learning and evolution with divine moments when we see beneath the surface into the great mystery of living grace.

Dear God,

Forgive me for my arrogance.

I surrender to You,

In this moment.

I allow everything to be,

As it is.

I release control.

I surrender.

I forgive You.

I forgive me.

With Love,

 Photo: India, Albert Vila 

Australia, Tiffany Jones

Embody the Mystery

Another day and I throw out the question again. 'What am I suppose to do?' If i feel these things, if I see Life behind the surface, if I know that so much of it is just a playground, what am I to do?
The answer has only ever been energetic. That is, I feel it within my body. I feel an extra charge of Life course through my insides and I interpret it as 'be a channel for Grace' - words taken from Caroline Myss.
Today was something different. A great light pierced my forehead. The word 'embody' pulsated in my mind. Embody what? I ask, still wanting everything spelt out.

'Embody Life.'

'Embody the Mystery.'

'Embody God.'

'Embody the Tao.'

But more simply, just 'embody'.

Its very personal. I embody 'It' my way. There is no law, there is no script, there is only what is. 'The You and Me becoming We.'

My way is through the body. Through the awareness of prana/chi/qi in the body. Using Hatha Yoga and Qigong to enhance awareness of the awakening of the Life Force within us all. So be it.

At the same moment, I discovered the beautiful video below of Seane Corn. She is living her Yoga as it was originally taught. Thank you for the inspiration.

Just Beneath the Surface

We’ve been on this path together for a long time. Shifting between teacher and student and into the I’m just going to be ‘me’ for the weekend persona.There’s a new book to discuss, there’s a new meditation or a new teacher or a new dream or experience. And it never stops.
In the past few months, I’ve been deeply listening to Eckhart Tolle and more recently to Adyashanti. And their call is to discover the present moment. To discover ‘what is’ rather than what I want or what I think ‘is’. And remarkably or not, its not one and the same thing.
There have been a few triggers in the audios and books I’ve been reading, but the one that brings me to this moment is ‘is it true?’
This question, when gently asked when any thought arises, acts like a laser gun. Everything is dematerialising before my eyes.
But guess what I discovered just beneath the surface.
A snarling, growling, vicious dog.
That is, someone who is slightly irritated with pretty much everything. The surface appears to be calm, I grant you, but just beneath is a raging whirlpool of black fumes. General dissatisfaction. For everything. Yes, I could say, for pretty much everything. And no, I’m not pre-menstrual.
I’m surprised, to say the least. Lift the lid off the pot to discover a boiling concoction that doesn’t look that tempting for dinner.
Hmm.
When I’m doing yoga, qigong, walking, cooking, studying, typing, I am exploring the layers within for resistance. Am I allowing what ‘is’ to be? Or am I insisting on another framework. Delicious. At every moment I am resisting. Deviously. Secretly. Little pockets of secret forces holding up in my top right shoulder or in the side of my neck. Tension building and afraid of annihilation.
So I turn the light up and shine it on. Is it true? Or is it a fabrication for safety? And the smoke shifts, there’s a certain scuttling and moving away, only to gather again, somewhere else, another layer deep into the terrain of me.
A mission of search and discover. Of claiming territory. Of rooting out illusion and seeing just how deep the infestation has gone.
‘Am I really allowing this moment to be?’
‘Is it the truth?’

I love these phrases. I love them because they are what drove me to seek in the first place. With real innocence and true hunger for the Truth. I was sidetracked by mirrors for a while, but I think I’m back on track.

Adya and Tolle

The Death of Me (part IV)

Expectations (9th of August 2008)

The stone of expectation

What is expectation?

Expectation is the projection of an idea that will effect (or be the outcome) of what you believe will occur in the future.

Expectation, as I intend it here, is not events that we will term ‘concrete reality’. Events like death, or hitting your head on a wall if you bump into it.

Expectations are of our own making, and are created by real or imagined events of the past.

How expectations hinder us

No expectations, no disappointments.

This famous quotation sounds distinctly Taoist, and explains part of why expectations are a negative stone to hold upon.

To begin with, expectations blind you from the reality that is present. If you wish to see Spring, but there is snow on the ground, not only will you constantly feel the weight of disappointment as you look at the snow, but you will be unable to appreciate or see the snow for what it offers.

This can be applied to all expectations, especially with regards to relationships with partners, friends and our relationship with other entities such as work, marriage, family, leisure.

If our expectations are modest, perhaps they can be met, but even then, holding onto an expectation hinders our ability to see what is actually there.

Expectations are a barricade to communication and understanding between people.

If we expect our partner to fulfill certain roles in the relationship, and they do not fulfill them, there is a danger of seeing our partner in a negative light and also being put into the position of not being able to see the real positives our partner brings to the relationship. Admittedly they may not be the positives we ‘expected’, but then, our partner is not a figment of our imagination that needs to perform to our ‘perfect list’. Our partner is an individual with talents, skills and positives for us to enjoy, but only if we can see them.

Some of the expectations we have are the cause of a lot of our sorrow.

Expectations to do with age and success, to do with our parent’s wishes, our ideals for the future, with how much money we should have, and what kind of partner we need.

Expectations lead to sorrow, dissatisfaction and blindness towards the very things we hold so dear. Our families, our friends and ourselves.

How to stop

I believe in little steps. One expectation at a time. Tentatively feeling through your mind’s projections and gently loosening the hold expectations have on your life.

With them, you are not free. You will never see the truth. You are chained by your ideas and your view of the world as it ‘should be’.

Without them, its possible to come a little closer to the truth. Its possible to learn. Its possible to discover the miracle of what is.

The Black Pit is the Void (16th of December 2008)

The black pit – this emptiness, is an essential stepping stone in our spiritual development.

Its only after the emptiness, its only after falling into what seems nothing, that we can, finally, be.

All of the stones – all of the ego’s desires and torments – each and every one of them need to fall away, or we need to let go of them, for the next step to be reached.

People discussing spiritual emergence, or kundalini rising, or the flowering of the human consciousness, what ever you’d like to call it, express this void, this black pit of despair as a necessary movement of development.

So be it. Let it be known.

Images (12th June 2009)

Movie Stars hire people to help create their off stage image.

Princess Diana is famous for hiring a publicist who helped keep her public image appealing.

Some people know how to walk the walk with full confidence. You see them strutting their stuff.

Most people don’t know how to effectively use their image, and most people don’t know why (or take any responsibility for) other people’s images affecting them positively or negatively.

One of my past students recognised in themselves an irrational respect for wealth. For wealth displayed in expensive cars and houses. When I questioned her on it, she said she knew that it was irrational, but she felt strong respect for wealth.

Images are created by a person’s behaviour, their accessories, their friends and our own preconceptions.

Knowing our responses to another’s image helps us not be a victim to feeling subordinate and helpless while meeting our doctor, or when shaking hands with the mayor, or when meeting someone of the opposite sex.

If you have trouble meeting some type of people, I’ve heard of popular psychologists suggest picturing these people on the toilet, or naked. By doing this you remove them of their powerful accessories. Their magic is gone, and they are a human being, just like you.

Images.

What images make your heart beat a bit faster?

What vision makes your stomach curl up?

What images bore you?

Whose image do you ignore?

Who taught you how to read people? Who said wealth was positive or negative? Images.

Yoga is a Tool (9th of July 2009)

Yoga is a tool. It’s a system created by those who came before us. It’s a stone, like all of the other ‘things’ – that we can hold on to as a support to lower ourselves safely into the pit, or it blocks our path

Yoga, qigong, tai chi, pilates. Stones to help us, and stones to hinder us. But we’re all going to end up in the pit, regardless.

Let it go. Hold on. Let it go. Hold on.

Breathe in, breath out. Relax, hold tight. Struggle and release.

Yoga is not an end in itself.

Tools are to be taken care of, to be appreciated, and to be put back where you found them once they’ve done their job.

Yoga. Another concept.

The Death of Me (part III)

Contemplation from the Pit (16th of July 2008)

In the blackness, despair invades the heart.

Flashes of folly tantalize the senses.

Resolutely I stay on the floor,

Determined to see it through.

The despair, I understand, is part of the loss.

I am grieving for the ties that had bound me.

My freedom is bleak in this moment.

I feel alone, afraid to let go –

and the temptation of hope, of light, of love is present.

But I’ve fallen too many times.

I’m tired of getting back up.

I know too much.

I know too little.

Come then, I call, do your worst.

And all becomes quiet.

The noise drops away.

The sadness, the loss, the feeling of death leaves me.

There is silence.

Silence inside my head.

I can see. Clearly.

My breath is soft and slow.

The weight falls away.

And then the springing, leaping awareness sings through my body.

I’ve arrived.

The Stones (17th July 2008)

Above the black pit

The stones are the things we hold on to to stop falling into the black pit.

They include desires, fears, wants, dreams, hopes, beliefs, prejudices, judgments, ideas, thoughts, concepts, inspirations, revelations, urges.

They are the things we feed off. They are the things we stand upon to forge our characters. They are the things we live and die for. They are the things that make us miserable.

Their importance in our lives is the root cause of our misery – of our human condition. Its their importance in our lives that caused the Buddha to say that Life is Suffering.

The stones do exist.

Their existence does not cause misery.

The misery comes from the importance the self, the family, the society, the government, the world puts upon them. In this, is the only source of misery in the world.

The stones forge our personalities. They forge our values. They forge our very being.

Their substance is often undergoing metamorphosis. It shifts beneath our hands. Experience teaches us that with time, the rocks we build our self on turns to sand. Circumstances change. Desires change. We let go of one disintegrating rock, for the apparent safely of another.

If we do let go, for an instant, if life serves a curved ball and the rock suddenly falls away from beneath us – we feel a free fall. There seems to be nothing. We panic and grab onto another rock on the way down, sometimes drugs, sometimes a different face, sometimes a different value – but hardly ever do we fall and fall and fall and see what there is when we hit rock bottom.

Who's Afraid of The Big Bad Pit? (17th July 2008)

Every one.

If one of your stones has disintegrated slowly or just suddenly spontaneously combusted, there is often a sensation of accompanying fear.

The fear is based on loss.

The stones we hold onto so dearly become, sometimes, indivisible from our selves. We think we are the stones. There are mother’s who live through their children. There are men who live for their work. There are children who live for the TV. There are teenagers who live for music. There are people who live for their religion. There are people who will die for their flag. There are people who will willingly starve to death rather than put up with injustice.

Each and everyone one of us has our feet on some stones and our arms carrying others.

We think our choices are the best choices. We build up elaborate stories why the existence of each stone is necessary for our wellbeing. We are frustrated and unhappy and tighten our grip on the stone until, until, until…. Until we change stones, or until we die.

We can not let go of the stones, because they are our very identity.

Sometimes, we get lucky. Sometimes our spouse leaves us and mingled in with the fear of loss, we get a sneaking sensation of freedom and sudden liberty.
Sometimes we get fired and gain a new chance of doing what we always wanted to do. It’s the stuff movies are made of.

But its always someone else’s movie.

What would happen if we let go of the stones? What would happen if we stepped off the stones that held us up?

Some people become depressed. They mourn the loss of the stones. They wish they had the stones back again. They are so busy grieving for what was, that they don’t see the miracle of what is.

We are afraid. Afraid of a lot of things. It seems normal to most of us. To feel afraid.

I was afraid. I was letting go of stones, grabbing wildly at one, and another, and discovering that they were disintegrating before I could get a proper grip. I felt the loss of my self. I felt the fear that I was becoming nothing. I had built my life on the stones… I had thought I was built of stone.

And I fell, and I fell… and I landed in the black pit. The very first post of this blog tells of how it felt to be in the black pit on the first day.

I was afraid.

The Purpose of the Stones (23rd of July 2008)

Remember, the stone is a symbol that includes our desires, fears, wants, dreams, hopes, beliefs, prejudices, judgments, ideas, thoughts, concepts, inspirations, revelations, urges.

They hold a dual purpose.

They lift us up and they hold us down.

We have already discussed what happens if you let go of the stones. If you see through them, and they lose their importance and relevance in your life, then you are in ‘the black pit’.

However, the stones still exist. Even if you can see through them. As long as other people see ‘real’ stones and hold on to them, then they exist as far as our contact and communication with other humans is valuable to us. (Valuing authentic communication with other humans is, in its way, also a stone of sorts.)

How do we usually use stones?

The fact is, most of us are used by the stones. The stones drive us. The belief in something (to be a good mother, to be a bread winner), our emotions (jealousy, rage), our idealism (the way society ought to work) are the stones that use us.

They hold us down and define our existence.

The stones can have a positive effect upon us, or a negative effect.

The positive effect increases our health and wellbeing as individuals, as a society, and as the world.

The negative effects decrease our wellbeing and our health as individuals, as a society and as the world.

The stones mainly use us to hold us down. Sometimes we use the stones to fulfil one of our main stone theories that we are just not good enough. We add smaller stones to our big stone and then we are destined never to be good enough or worth anything to be able to make a difference.

The stones stop us doing the things we really want to do. They stop us from existing.

On the other hand, the stones have an amazing ability to be used for the benefit of human kind also. To lift us out of the black pit.

However, this is an interpretation and not the strictest use of the black pit.

For people not yet willing to go into the black pit and to exist, then there is a positive option. Probably the option that has the most validity and accessibility for this day and age in the year 2008.

How can the stones lift us up?

By agreeing on clear common goals for a sustainable future for all peoples and then creating the stones for people to live by.

This is what we need to talk about. As a people with a common concern for the future of the planet. This is not for one person to decide alone. There are manifestos written by civil societies and by concerned groups that cater to what needs to be done… however, it means a total overhauling of the stones of our society.

Stones can get us through. They can create a means for people to come together and forge a sustainable future for the planet.

First of all we need to understand what the function of the stones have been before, how we use them now, and how they can help us in the future. These topics will be addressed in future posts.

A Closer Look at the Large Belief Stone (24th of July 2008)

Remember, the stone is a symbol that includes our desires, fears, wants, dreams, hopes, beliefs, prejudices, judgments, ideas, thoughts, concepts, inspirations, revelations, urges.

Our beliefs.

Each and every one of us have held beliefs at different aspects of our life. Let’s take a closer look at some of our beliefs, and how the are formed.

The origins of beliefs is a complex path with junctions and crossroads along the way.

There is one defining factor. We were not born with beliefs.

Beliefs are developed from a mixture of contact with family, society, culture, experience and contemplation.

Therefore, we can say, that our beliefs are a product of our history and circumstances.

If that is so, then there is no right or wrong in beliefs. Beliefs may be conductive to other beliefs that we hold, like race superiority or the importance of national identity, or they may be at odds to other belief systems that we hold, like ‘I believe people should get along’ or ‘drinking from a special glass enhances the wine tasting experience’.

Sometimes the feeling of confusion we have is because our mind knows that there are discrepancies in our belief systems. Some people call this discrepancy the human condition. That is, it is the human condition to be at odds with its existence.

Again, this is another belief. Or, if you will, another interpretation of how we live and our purpose of existence.

Some beliefs help us. Like the belief that we should brush out teeth after meals. This advice from dental hygiene experts is a recommendation from their studies of tooth decay. But, its still a belief based on the assumptions that we all want clean and healthy teeth. Clean and healthy teeth are not just clean and healthy teeth. They are indicators of success with the opposite sex, of a beautiful smile, of fresh breath, of wealth in some countries.

The history of brushing our teeth, and brushing them after meals is relatively new. Many of us accept it as true because it helps us. Its even difficult to imagine that once we didn’t brush our teeth with such regularity. What were we thinking? Exactly. We were thinking something different. And this implies that our belief system, with regard to teeth, has changed.

There are many examples of our beliefs changing.

Therefore, if beliefs change, if their very development is subject to our circumstances, then why do we defend them so heatedly? Why do we hold onto our beliefs as if they were our very self? The self is only a mirror of circumstances. Can we see through our beliefs? Is it possible? Do we want to? What are the benefits?