The Earth Protected by Angel Wings

In the deepest part of today's meditation, the earth was positioned above two angel's wings. The wings encompassed the total earth. It was peace.

Embracing the Feminine

There are some definitive moments when I consciously moved from the androgenous into the feminine space. It was less like embracing and more like being an aggressive driver of a dodgem car.

I was 30 when I started to wear ‘pretty’ clothes, or clothes that flattered the figure. That’s not to say I have never worn them before, but I made a conscious decision to enhance my figure with clothing. That is, I wanted to change my outer image from tomboy/sports person to feminine and attractive. Yes. I wanted to be seen as attractive. I was going to manipulate my image. I felt a certain dirtiness in doing this. Its the same fear of 'wonderbras' that I have had. Pretending you have something you don't.

I bought my first pair of jeans and they were tighter than any pants I’ve worn before. I bought a pair of semi high heels and tops that fitted into the figure and didn’t cover my bottom. Wearing these things all together was a challenging experience. I was self conscious and embarrassed and knew that I had to do this to myself because I had daggers of judgement towards girls who dressed like this every day.

I had to embrace what I disliked so that I could stop to dislike it.

My problem with women started when I was born. My mother’s stories were that my father wanted a boy child. I was strong from the moment I was born. Small but strong, flexible, always awake, hardly eating, good natured, observant and climbing everything.

My father used to hang me from the door way with just my fingers curled into the frame at 6 months old.

I wanted to be a boy. I thought I was a boy. I wasn’t emotional. I disliked pink. I hated dolls and dresses.

I resented bras and bows and fluffy fancy things.

Women were weak. They cried and were dramatic. They were victims, shadows, manipulators, trappers of men, using their intelligence to trap and fool men.

Why did I think these things? Just watching the interactions of my parents, of the world around me. I had so much hate towards females in general.

The silliness, the giggling, the talk of boys, the concern for their hair, the preciseness of their pencil boxes.

It didn’t help that I was considered ‘plain’ and had a figure that was described as ‘straight up and down’, that my thighs were so big from running I couldn’t fit into normal sized pants and had to wear sport clothes, that my face was freckled and my mother adored clear beautiful skin, where my hair was wavy and brown and my mother loved thick black curly hair, that my mother thought the perfect waist was one you could put to hands around and actually, I didn’t have a waist. And so forth and so on.

I used to go swimming at 6 – 7 am twice a week and have competition on Sunday. I used to go to athletics training twice a week and have competition on Saturday. I used to jog for 45 minutes every morning that I wasn’t swimming with the local surf club. That was when I was 8.

In my thirties I took a shot of vodka, then another one, and then I went to my first belly dance class with my good friend Mitra. A class that changed my life. A class I was so afraid of – to move the body freely. To move the hips. To shake the shoulders. To let the hair be free. To embrace the female body with its curves and beauty.

I felt my feet pound the floor to the drums – and it was awakening the female power from below. My feet pounded on the door to our great Mother. My hips moved in circles – winding, calling, and invoking the snake goddess of dreams and darkness. My arms and hands moved out into the space around me and felt the energy of light. I became darkness interacting with light. Light was my medium.

I went home to Australia and made my peace with the black and the white. I gave my tears of sorry to the despair, and I gave my bowing and forgiveness to the arrogance. I took the earth into me and felt her release her floodgates of love. She had always loved me. I just didn't know it. I had to release my own hates and unhappinesses. To feel the Mother's love, you have to let go. You have to clean the inner self.

I moved here, to Catalonia, to a place that is blessed by the Virgin of Montserrat. The virgin of the serrated mountain. The Black Madonna. Its where I have come, to place my roots down into the earth, and to make a home. My first home where I can leave my things and travel to other places without selling/giving away all of my possessions as I have done three times before.

The Mother Earth – the continual healing, the continual giving, the continual renewal – without end. We scream at her, and she gives us food. We hit her, and she gives us sunsets of such beauty we think we will die. We destroy her ornaments and she gives us flowers.

Its time to grow up. To stop the tantrums. To turn to her and embrace her with love and gratitude. For everything thing the Mother represents. For everything the female represents. For everything.

And this does not mean we are against the Father. Not at all. It just means, we are for the mother. When she is strong, and has been awakened, we can allow the sacred meeting of the father and mother to take place within each of us. The light, the darkness. The rational and the irrational. The waking and the dreaming. The mountain and the valley.

Thank you to my mother, thank you to my Grandmothers, thank you to my sisters, thank you to my father, thank you to my first female friends, thank you to Mitra, thank you to Sevika, thank you to Sarah, thank you to Geir, thank you to Anders, thank you to Jett, thank you to Katrine, thank you to my brother, thank you to Albert, thank you to Elizabeth, thank you to our dear Mother and thank you to Ordinary Sparrow for helping to bring the clay into some sort of identifiable shape with a master’s touch.

From Light to Darkness - The Tao Within

By all accounts, I was a happy sunny child.

Life shone upon me, and I grew into a hard blend of Artemis and Athena. Withholding and defending my light with arrows of judgement and eternal virginity. Hunting for more of my kind. People to believe in what I had become.

When I questioned my coldness, the light grew stronger and stronger and shattered my image until the all became One and one became All.

Then the Darkness arose, for I had returned home to claim my sorrow, my guilt, my incomprehension, my fears and offer my love and forgiveness to myself and all.

The Darkness was so deep into my blood, it began to turn into Light. The light and the darkness merged and I saw that it was the same, but different.

The Golden Tao.

The threads of my new life begin to create the new form for this phase. Its delicate shape arises little by little with threads of gold from the extraordinary of the ordinary.

With Love and thanks for all that has been, and for all that has yet to come.

October 2008 - my angel

October 2008

What a month!

So, I thought to myself, last night – maybe the angel is waiting – and indeed it was. I surrounded myself with white light – I did a protection prayer (only for my highest good is allowed to enter) – and I invited the angel in with me.

In it came and settled on my left side. It was still there this morning, and is still there now.

I asked the advice from some friends from Historum – and I painted what he looked like.

I can’t see him now, I can only feel it.

I asked what it was I was suppose to know – and it gave me my awareness of my sacral chakra… and heightened awareness of my solar plexus….

It’s the ‘dead’ body of me – I understood things incredibly simply – suddenly….

The three base chakras – the problems I’ve been having – are in the three base chakras I’ve always had very limited feeling or no feeling for – The top four are no trouble = they throb and move and are ‘real’ to me. The solar plexus comes and goes – but the base two have always been ‘dead’ to me… in some way.

My angel gave me awareness of the sacral – and this morning - !!!! I awoke and had awareness of the base – the root chakra!

So happy I am – so complete I feel to begin this new life – this new month – this new year of my 37th year – in such completeness…

Thank you thank you thanks to you….

The base went right down into my buttocks and is a big circular disk – and heavy – I didn’t see it or feel it before….

Amazingly – the base chakra is the one that has been holding me back – and my awareness of it has helped so much to release the problems I had – fear, insecurity, lack of a home….

I heard – ‘don’t look outside for your home – look inside’ – and there was the light of creation within.. and I felt so glad to be finally rid of my grasping….and to see the light within…..

Its really a miracle. It feels like a miracle…

Then it flashed to me – the reason I had such pain in my lower back when I was pregnant – the lack of security I felt – and I have passed onto my son. He’s fearful and sensitive. He has no root system – and this I can lovingly help him with…
My own lack of root system was based on my childhood – of not feeling wanted – and not feeling like I had a base – and was repeated in all of my relationships… its amazing to see the thread of it all within all of my adult relationships..

It nearly destroyed my current partner and I – but now – with his love and support – we will create a new future – where my security is not based on his love, or his presence – but on my love, my self love, my love of god…. The all .. the one…

Thank god! For such a moment….

I remember also – that I was hit by a car when I was 16 – and I crushed my lower back – I had no idea that I was creating the events myself with my lack of roots- I was living with my grandmother – I was ‘put’ there because my father and step-mother said they didn’t want me anymore – that they wanted to be together, for themselves… now, I have gone through the forgiveness of this – I have released any pain I felt from it, I have forgiven them and myself – and no, I don’t condone their actions – but I understand and I forgive them whole heartedly…. But it didn’t solve the problem of not feeling rooted…

As soon as I accepted myself – as soon as I said – I belong to god – I invite you in and I am part of you as you are part of me – as soon as I let it be…. The weight fell off of me… and life is changing daily, by the hour….

I am ready for it. I am ready for it.. I am ready for change and I am ready to love and be loved.

I am told to be an empty, clean, sparkling crystal chalice. … its more like a martini glass!! J , and this I am.. cleaning my self, my thoughts, my heart, my energy, my day to day relationships…

Now – I am a full energy system. I function as a whole… I invite you to follow me.

Angel on a horse.

I've been with the image of a steady, waiting 'angel on a horse' for the past three days.

I asked my friends in historum to help me with some symbolism. You can see their responses here.

If you have any ideas on teh subject, please let me know.

When ever I ask for 'help' - the angel appears - I can never see its face. I have no idea of its name. I don't understand anything. I just draw a blank.

Guess what!!?

I just thought, it seems to look like feathers, the wings.. and suddenly I thought, its a chief - I googled image search and found this -

Now, although its not exact - it could be something similar - if the head piece was bigger...

So - he's not an angel!?

ok then - it makes more sense... ?