An Ex-Yoga Teacher on Aging and Fat Tissue

Addressing the Body

I've always been athletic. The only place I found validation for my athletic body was in a gym. Gym owners loved my sprinter's thighs and I worked on my upper body to get it in balance with the rest of me. Remember, this was before Madonna made biceps fashionable. 

I trained for fitness competitions when I was in my twenties and walked around on stage in a bikini flexing my muscles. 

I loved athletic yoga. I have spent half my life in a gym training. I really enjoy it. And I am sure one day, when the time is right, I will go back and start training again.

But at the moment I'm a stay at home mother who has deleted most of the exceptionally beautiful yoga instagramers from her phone because it makes her depressed to see everyone in great shape while she is sitting with rolls of fat and her thighs rubbing together. I thought it would be inspiring, and its not. It's just irritating. 

I especially used to follow a woman who has three little children and a flat ironing board stomach and she used to say 'no excuses!' and shout it at the camera and I was honestly terrified. I only felt more shame for my inability to get on top of my weight gain. I happily unfollowed her and have been feeling remarkably better. 

Moving from Fear into Acceptance

We all know the drill. Face your fears. Just do it. It's so common that it's trade marked. But that doesn't mean it's not true.  I have posted a few pictures of my stomach and I aim to continue posting pictures of my body, not necessarily just the parts I'm uncomfortable with, but all of it. It's ok. It's just a photo. It's not me. I can not be defined by a few rolls of fat. Even though I was living in total fear of them.

Ever since I posted the first picture, and facebook tells me thousands of people have seen it,  I feel liberated. I feel fantastic. The other day I was walking through our town and a few heads turned to check me out, and I let my stomach out, and felt it wobble and thought yeah, and with a belly. That's right. Check it out! It was really funny. I surprise myself. I had no idea how much I cared about my extra jiggle. 

Archetypal Shift

I'm big into archetypes and I like to read about them and talk about them in a way to help understand what is going  on. And during December I went through a conscious archetypal shift. I went from fear to fun, in one night.

I was living in 'used to be' land. That is, I used to be a fitness professional. I was a teacher, instructor and I felt a lot of responsibility to maintain that image. And every day I was failing. I was getting fatter and less fit and resenting my life changes because I wasn't being the best I could be. Yes, that's my perfectionist! 

Once I realised what was happening, I turned to my self and said, give it up. Just stop. You are not a fitness professional any more. You are not a yoga teacher. You are a stay at home mother who has a few classes here and there. Just give it up. And I cried. And I felt grief. And the next day I woke up feeling wonderful, and it was the beginning of facing my fears.

I didn't have to struggle to be perfect any more and I could be just a fat bottomed mum, just like everyone else. It is wonderful. No more judgement and expectations. And I have my sense of humour back, my sense of fun and wonder. My writer re-emerged. And here I am blogging again! I love my writer! She's interested in the world, she's fun to be with, she wants to be engaged in life and talk about things and explore deep issues. My yoga teacher wants discipline and practice, and if you fail her, she's constantly disappointed and frustrated. And that's how I spent the last 6 years of my life. 

Being a sad, disappointment to myself. And feeling everything was in my way of being where and who I was suppose to be. 

Let's get something clear. I still teach. I still practice when I can, and I still give talks. But I am not going to be dominated by that dictator in my mind who thinks she knows better than I do.

No. 

First and foremost at this time in my life, I am a mother. And I tell you right now that I am turning to embrace this wonderful experience. I will not spend another minute of my life wishing for something that I do not have. I embrace this life. I welcome it. And these are not just words. This is what is alive in me. But I did have to let the other one go. Before the new could come in to take it's place.

And I won't be in 'Mother' for ever, but I am now, and I am so happy for the shift. I'm happy for this opportunity, I'm happy for not bringing my daughter up to feel that she was in the way of my dreams. No. She is in my dreams. Actually, literally. This is a post from 2008 about dreaming of Lydia!! Just saw it today and was seriously amazed. 

Thank you.

Releasing Pain From The Past

After Dreamland 
So this morning I woke in pain. Piercing pain over the right eye and up into the head, my right shoulder had an inflamed pressure point and my tonsils were sore.
Then I immediately remembered that I had a sore throat and tonsillitis frequently when I was a child and that reminded me about chakras and I put on a 5th throat chakra necklace to help balance out the energetics. 

Yoga Therapist 
A friend of mine wrote to me the other day about some personal issues she was dealing with, and in meditation she heard 'Physician Heal Thyself', and I hear her telling me the same thing. 

I'm sure some of you know, but for those who don't, I'm a yoga therapist. That means I use what I have learnt from yoga (and other disciplines) to help people heal in body and mind. If I had to treat myself, as I do right now, then the first and easiest point to start is with childhood memories, chakras, asana practice and affirmations. Then I usually see how we go from there. I've also started practising tapping, and have found it really helpful. Since Lydia's birth I've also dappled in Homeopathy with the help of Kate and Janet, and this is a totally new world to explore. 

A student/friend of mine suggested I start offering these types of consultations via skype, so perhaps in the next few months we'll get that up and started. 

Why Pain? 
In some painful moments like these, I wonder why on earth I'm digging through heaps of old rubbish just to feel rotten again. I mean, what's the point?

And the truth is, I feel it's my duty. As a person who has chosen to try to be as conscious about her life and life choices as possible, it's my responsibility to clear away as much debris from my life as I can. In clearing my debris, I help clear my personal patterns, my families patterns, and the patterns of the world. In my small way, I am changing the possibilities for our future. And because of that, I must go through these clearings. 

Acceptance is Key
The pain is a release. I have been sitting on fear and repression for many years. It has never been allowed to be expressed. And now, in the safety of my adult arms, it can release itself. All of the pent up emotion, all of the fear, all of the struggle jumping out of the recesses of my memory and my cell tissue like the horrors of Pandora's box. But you know what, once they are released, I've still got something left. Hope. This magical word, ready to to inflame creativity, passion and life itself. 

So yes, sometimes it really does get a bit worse before it gets better. But keep your eye on the goal. It is a process. And right now its painful. Sit with it. Honour it. Give it space to be allowed to exist with no judgement. Breathe deeply. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We can do this. 

Photo Credits Tiffany Jones

Diana Laufenberg: How to learn? From mistakes | Video on TED.com

Diana Laufenberg: How to learn? From mistakes | Video on TED.com

Yoga Workshop, Espern, Hamar, December 2009 - Part Six

 Observing and Acceptance in Asana Practice

We’ve been talking about the word acceptance. Let’s give ourselves a good example.

Take your clothes off and stand in front of a full length mirror. And look at yourself. Look at your body. Look at all of your body. If you have the space, take a step back and take it all in.

Now, what happens inside of your mind? There is usually a cacophony of emotional noise and mental projections at this point.

If I suggest that you accept your body exactly as it is, what is your response? 

‘You’ve got to be kidding? I could accept my body when I was 15, but now?’ 

‘Well, I can accept my ankles, but definitely not the top of my arms?’

That’s why we start with observation. Once we can observe and get some distance from the fire and ice spewing from our mind and the dizzying range of emotions, then we can begin the movement into acceptance.

Observation

We stand in Mountain Pose. We move into Triangle Pose. We’ve grounded the feet, strengthened the knees, lengthened the spine, turned the chin and stretched through the arms. Our eyes, jaw and the back of our head are soft. And we engage our breath. And all the while, all through the movement into the pose, and while we are standing in the pose, we are observing the body, the mind’s attitude, the voices, positive or negative, we are listening to the body’s response to the movement. We are feeling the emotions arise. The joy, the pain, the freedom, the tension. And we observe without comment.

Acceptance

When you have been able to observe yourself, and you notice the mind’s resistance. You begin to feel deep criticism come up, or deep apathy, then we move into acceptance. But wait for the voice to come up telling you it has to be different from what it is, that you are not good enough,  that its not ‘right’, that you are never going to be perfect. We just accept this voice, and allow all that is within to exist, with no limitations.

And you can do that. And breathe. And re soften the body. Relearn the asanas you thought you knew so well. Observation and acceptance.

When I talk of acceptance, many people say ‘but I can not accept poverty in the world. I can not. And I can not accept acts of terrorism.’   

To begin with, when I say ‘accept’, I do not mean accept and do nothing. I just mean see that these things are in existence. Open our eyes to what is. The mind says ‘I can not and do not want to talk about ‘that’. I can’t. It’s too painful.’  And so begins a small barrier of protection. Protection from humanity’s own doing. The mind can not accept. Then begins a few little lies, and a few little exceptions, and suddenly we find we have quite a few things that are ‘taboo’ subjects, or subjects that make us mad, or topics that we can not stomach and then – we become helpless and a victim.

Just when the difficult things come up, we become a victim to our emotions and our limitations and we become ineffectual and say ‘that is for someone else to deal with, someone who is stronger than me. I am not cut out for such things.’

Our inability to view the world, and see what is going on, helps perpetuate the very problems we can not stomach. We use the ‘one-who-can-not-be-named’ system to deal with our fears. Do you really think, that by ignoring sex crimes, by not talking about it, or by not  giving it a name that it will just go away, or stop existing? Or the pain you keep suppressing in your body? Do you think if you take enough pain killers, it will eventually just go away and you will not have to face what the pain is teaching you?

Ok – so, slowly, slowly, we look behind the curtains the mind has drawn. We don’t want to shock or scare ourselves stupid. We just want to sit and contain what is.

And from this deep acceptance of what the world is, with no judgement for or against, we will make decisions about what to do.   Don’t be fooled into thinking that a disciplined mind is a cold hearted mind. A disciplined mind, full of awareness, is like a laser light upon problems. There is deep awareness, deep understanding and great compassion for our being human. 

Part One of the Workshop
Part Two of the Workshop
Part Three of the Workshop
Part Four of the Workshop 

Part Five of the Workshop

The Death of Me (part IV)

Expectations (9th of August 2008)

The stone of expectation

What is expectation?

Expectation is the projection of an idea that will effect (or be the outcome) of what you believe will occur in the future.

Expectation, as I intend it here, is not events that we will term ‘concrete reality’. Events like death, or hitting your head on a wall if you bump into it.

Expectations are of our own making, and are created by real or imagined events of the past.

How expectations hinder us

No expectations, no disappointments.

This famous quotation sounds distinctly Taoist, and explains part of why expectations are a negative stone to hold upon.

To begin with, expectations blind you from the reality that is present. If you wish to see Spring, but there is snow on the ground, not only will you constantly feel the weight of disappointment as you look at the snow, but you will be unable to appreciate or see the snow for what it offers.

This can be applied to all expectations, especially with regards to relationships with partners, friends and our relationship with other entities such as work, marriage, family, leisure.

If our expectations are modest, perhaps they can be met, but even then, holding onto an expectation hinders our ability to see what is actually there.

Expectations are a barricade to communication and understanding between people.

If we expect our partner to fulfill certain roles in the relationship, and they do not fulfill them, there is a danger of seeing our partner in a negative light and also being put into the position of not being able to see the real positives our partner brings to the relationship. Admittedly they may not be the positives we ‘expected’, but then, our partner is not a figment of our imagination that needs to perform to our ‘perfect list’. Our partner is an individual with talents, skills and positives for us to enjoy, but only if we can see them.

Some of the expectations we have are the cause of a lot of our sorrow.

Expectations to do with age and success, to do with our parent’s wishes, our ideals for the future, with how much money we should have, and what kind of partner we need.

Expectations lead to sorrow, dissatisfaction and blindness towards the very things we hold so dear. Our families, our friends and ourselves.

How to stop

I believe in little steps. One expectation at a time. Tentatively feeling through your mind’s projections and gently loosening the hold expectations have on your life.

With them, you are not free. You will never see the truth. You are chained by your ideas and your view of the world as it ‘should be’.

Without them, its possible to come a little closer to the truth. Its possible to learn. Its possible to discover the miracle of what is.

The Black Pit is the Void (16th of December 2008)

The black pit – this emptiness, is an essential stepping stone in our spiritual development.

Its only after the emptiness, its only after falling into what seems nothing, that we can, finally, be.

All of the stones – all of the ego’s desires and torments – each and every one of them need to fall away, or we need to let go of them, for the next step to be reached.

People discussing spiritual emergence, or kundalini rising, or the flowering of the human consciousness, what ever you’d like to call it, express this void, this black pit of despair as a necessary movement of development.

So be it. Let it be known.

Images (12th June 2009)

Movie Stars hire people to help create their off stage image.

Princess Diana is famous for hiring a publicist who helped keep her public image appealing.

Some people know how to walk the walk with full confidence. You see them strutting their stuff.

Most people don’t know how to effectively use their image, and most people don’t know why (or take any responsibility for) other people’s images affecting them positively or negatively.

One of my past students recognised in themselves an irrational respect for wealth. For wealth displayed in expensive cars and houses. When I questioned her on it, she said she knew that it was irrational, but she felt strong respect for wealth.

Images are created by a person’s behaviour, their accessories, their friends and our own preconceptions.

Knowing our responses to another’s image helps us not be a victim to feeling subordinate and helpless while meeting our doctor, or when shaking hands with the mayor, or when meeting someone of the opposite sex.

If you have trouble meeting some type of people, I’ve heard of popular psychologists suggest picturing these people on the toilet, or naked. By doing this you remove them of their powerful accessories. Their magic is gone, and they are a human being, just like you.

Images.

What images make your heart beat a bit faster?

What vision makes your stomach curl up?

What images bore you?

Whose image do you ignore?

Who taught you how to read people? Who said wealth was positive or negative? Images.

Yoga is a Tool (9th of July 2009)

Yoga is a tool. It’s a system created by those who came before us. It’s a stone, like all of the other ‘things’ – that we can hold on to as a support to lower ourselves safely into the pit, or it blocks our path

Yoga, qigong, tai chi, pilates. Stones to help us, and stones to hinder us. But we’re all going to end up in the pit, regardless.

Let it go. Hold on. Let it go. Hold on.

Breathe in, breath out. Relax, hold tight. Struggle and release.

Yoga is not an end in itself.

Tools are to be taken care of, to be appreciated, and to be put back where you found them once they’ve done their job.

Yoga. Another concept.

The Death of Me

The 'Death of Me' posts were written mostly in 2008 on another blog. I am currently closing off the blog and placing the pieces 'On Being Human'.

Part One

The Death of Me (11th of July 2008)

I’ll draw a picture of it one day. How it looks to me.

But just now, I need to get it onto paper.

I’ve been here before. Lying on a cold floor. Snot and saliva mixing in my hair. Tears wetting the floor boards and puffing up my eyes. I’ve screamed into the pillow. I’ve felt despondent afterwards. Sometimes relieved.

Today I punched the pillow and my right shoulder blade still aches. I hit my head, not too violently, against the wall and the floor. I rubbed my face and eyes till it stopped relieving the stress of being inside of my body.

I screamed into the pillow some more. I lay in fetal position and closed my eyes. I vomited up swallowed saliva.

I’m mourning the death of me. And, because this is the information age – I want it here. I want it visible. I want it exposed and raw and real and – I want it to make a difference.

So you can see, I’m still here. The 'do-gooder' still needs to die. But I’m working on it.

This Blog (11th of July 2008)

What are the Stones?

The stones are a symbol for the systems of thought we have built up to stop us falling into the black hole. They include ethics, morals, god, desire, wants, ego, entertainment, relationships, beliefs, values, principles, the self, systems in themselves, wants, labels and so forth.

What’s the Black Pit?

The black pit is the ‘something’ we sense at the bottom if we give up standing on any one of the stones.

This blog is about exploring the stones, as they come into my life, and as I review the stones I have stood on before, and my journey into the black pit.

An artist's depiction of the black pit (16th of July 2008)

Jett, an accomplished artist, helped to put my ideas onto paper.

This is his interpretation of what I had explained to him.

Jett has just turned 9. The letters and the colours are his own choosing.

The black pit (16th July 2008)

There is nothing.

It’s a non-place –

before the expression of existence.

Before life as we perceive it.

Before thoughts and desires.

Its black – or rather – there is an absence of light.

It’s the black pit.

It is, at all moments.

It has no past or future.

It is.

It is neither good nor bad.

It has no value or preference.

It is.

Emotion is suspended.

There is, light without heat.

There is, colour without interpretation.

There are, sounds without meaning.

There is, a body without sensation,

There are two expressions.

There are no divisions.

Expressions from out of the Black Pit (16th July 2008)

The first page of the Bible comes from the black pit.

There is creation. There is vision of the black pit.

The human interpretation begins when there is a choice made for good, or for evil.

God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness.

This is not the truth of the black pit. Its an account from one who already believes that the two forces of nature symbolize good and bad.

The Buddha reached the black pit.

Life means suffering.(clutching the stones to us).

The origin of suffering is attachment. (to the stones)

The cessation of suffering is possible by following the eightfold path.

The eightfold path guides the practitioner into recommended behavior. Though these guidelines are exceptional advice for a quality life, if the devotee of Buddhism understood the significance of the First three noble truths, then the fourth truth would be a matter of course.

Buddhism has created another system that puts one action above another, ‘right’ action above ‘wrong’ action. There again, exists, the struggle. The lack of acceptance of the two opposing forces. The pitting of one against the other.

The point of realization is not to have to struggle to be ‘right’ in thought and action. If a Buddhist practitioner struggles with the eightfold path, they are still attached, and have not reached the black pit and let go of all the stones.

The cessation to life is possible, just by entering the pit.

The Tao is written from the black pit.

Before choice and action are engaged.

It understands the necessity of every thing.

There is no fight between one and the other.

There is.

And no more.

Creation and destruction.

Summer and winter.

Day and Night.

Life and death.

Man and woman.

Youth and maturity.

Ignorance and wisdom.

Each exists side by side.

Each exists because of the other.

The balance of the Tao occurs when there is no judgment.

When one exists.

When one is.

The balance of the Tao does not exists when we seek balance.

By seeking, we are not balanced.

The secret of the Tao is being.

Not seeking.

Once one has given up, it is only in that moment that the Tao reveals itself.

And then, you are human. And we have the cache syndrome to address.

(The cache syndrome is yet to be written and addressed. This post is under construction. Comments welcome)

The First Law (16th of July 2008)

We are One.

One is All.

All is One.

One is an expression of the All.

All expresses its being through the one.

All is all.

One is one.

Sand Art

There is More Room in a Broken Heart

Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in

So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

(chorus)
I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
there's more room in a broken heart

You pay the grocer
Fix the toaster
Kiss the host good-bye

Then you break a window
burn the soufflé
Scream a lullaby

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
there's more room in a broken heart

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you

Transforming the Painful to the Purifying

We associate pain with bad. We associate poverty with shame. We associate difficult with frustration.

And yet, if you look back upon your life, you know that the maxim ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ holds truth. The father of a high school friend, when hearing of any of my complaints, would say ‘ahh, but that’s character building’. I hated him for saying that.

But its true.

How often do we try to stop others from suffering? How often do we stop our children from experiencing the consequences of their actions? From thoughtlessly picking up the toy from the pram and handing it right back to a baby that learns that if it throws something away, it doesn’t matter, because it comes right back – magically. To cleaning up our children’s messes, including bedrooms, dishes and the problems they get into at school, with other members of the family and not doing their homework.

Difficult experiences, painful moments, if you can live through it, and pull yourself together, remove the bitterness and forgive all involve – turn into blessings. They turn into wonderful opportunities to test what you are made of.

Are we petty, selfish, demanding, and ego centric? Yes? Ok then. Suffer in your resentment, your sickness and your misery.

Are we forgiving, releasing, loving and compassionate for this journey we call life, and know that we are all doing the best we can? Yes? Fantastic.

How long does it take to forgive? How much do we need to suffer, and hold resentment and jealousy and judgements? How long? How sick do we need to become, with the baggage of our own hatred?

At every step along the path, at every moment of the day – the choice is yours. To turn resentment that ties the stomach in knots into release, acceptance, and forgiveness- for your ‘abusers’ and for your self.

Good luck

Can I Love You?

Can I love you?

Can I love you today?

Can I love you after the illusion has faded away?

Can I love you now, that the gilt has worn down?

Can I love you today?

After all of the disappointments, the lies, the frustrations, the angry words?

Can I love you, truly, with no string attached?

Can I love you, because you are you?

Can I love you without asking for something in return, like honesty, or forgiveness?

Can I love you, anyway?

Can I love you, knowing who you are?

Can I love you, knowing what you’ve said and done?

Can I love you, after making me suffer?

Can I love you at all?

Can I love you after all my tears are dry?

Can I love you when all that is left is a sigh?

Can I love you, more fully than before?

Can I love you after feeling my heart break?

Can I love you, even after that?

Perhaps, it is said, that only when the heart breaks open, can it fit in a little more. Perhaps that little more is the ‘real’ you I never acknowledged. The you I denied in my blindness for my ideal.

Let me release my wants. Let me let go of my expectations. Let me see the truth, and love it, and you, because it is. Let me be free from the tangles of my mind and free in the expression of Love.

Amen

Kindness, no strings attached

I’m so tired of one hand giving while the other hand holds a list of clauses that go with it.

Somebody offered me something. Then, when things didn’t go as they wanted, they took it away.

I felt a sudden horror of dishonour. But, then I searched my own nature, and I’m sure I’ve done it too.

Given something, even a smile, and expected one in return.

How often do we really give? Honestly give. Give with out no thought of what someone is going to do with that gift. No thought of return. No thought of consequences. A true gift of love. How often do we give without a silent but heavy back pack full of ‘buts’?

So, instead of laying in bed and thinking negative thoughts, I will slowly turn myself into the person I wish other people were. I invite you to come with me. One day at a time – to give with true kindness, no strings attached.

(and honestly - I don't mind if you don't do it! You're off the hook for this one.)

Only From the Heart

Salvation

There is no salvation for the soul
But to fall in Love.
It has to creep and crawl
Among the Lovers first.

Only Lovers can escape
From these two worlds.
This was written in creation.

Only from the Heart
Can you reach the sky.
The rose of Glory
Can only be raised in the Heart.

~ Rumi

(thanks to OS for the evocative picture)

The Continuing Trail

A said, join the group!

I said o k.

I met S,

Oh!

I fell for Dr -

My heart crushed.

By Buddha burned.

My mind torn.

Rumi speaks

My heart bleeds.

And now …

Thank you to Pedro for creating The Buddha Moon for me.

The Breaking of Illusion

The pieces are becoming one again. The past is rushing in to greet me. I feel like I am back at the beginning, before I knew it was the beginning.

I thought the first time it happened, it was like the breath of God. But it wasn’t. It was beauty, and easily accessible to my senses.

The first time it happened, the first time I felt a crash in my psyche and my view of the world was challenged, I was screaming and hating the world. I was violent, full of my self importance. I was in pain. I was inconsolable. I was five years old. I was throwing a tantrum.

A piece of me detached, and I can see myself in the room, screaming, my eyes puffy from tears, and I see myself looking at me with a certain disbelief. Is your will, so important? Is your insistence on the way life should be, worth that kind of energy?

I did it again, in a violent fight with my brother. Perhaps I was ten. The same madness, the same will, the same anger and frustration at ME, ME, ME. And the breaking away, and the split – so I could see through it all, even in the middle of it.

The break in my beliefs took a battering when I was 14. My parents left me with my grandmother without a second glance. The night I realised what had happened (in my view – that I was unwanted), I felt my adulation of my father dash to the ground. It broke my first and foremost ideal of relationships. I can not say I regained my balance with dignity. I fell down into the shadows and comforted myself with hate and judgement and curses.

And today, eating my own tail, looking back at the past – I am that I am. Without the breaking of the framework that we hold dear to us – we can not see what is. Our expectations stop us from seeing what is. Our ideals stop us from noticing what is really there. Our memories cloud the present. Our plans direct our vision away from the now into some distant future.

It hurts. Especially when you don’t know what is going on. Its painful to face the dreams we held dear become stamped on underfoot.

Perhaps we take it personally, and when someone disregards our dreams, our views, we can become offended and hurt and angry and vengeful. Its painful to live in such a manner.

But what is it we are searching for? More illusion? More images? There’s plenty where that came from.

I’m sitting with what is. The aliveness that exists in the present moment – without my petty frames and thoughtless systems – is the wonder moment.

Sutra I.12 reads,

Abhyasa-vairagyabhyam tan-nirodhah meaning:

HERE we abide in an sustained openness. When the mind is very clear, lucid, and empty, and open, then the innate brilliance, peace, and transpersonal wisdom can shine forth naturally. The sacred sound is heard -- the ambrosial nectar sipped.

The Fallacy of Freedom

The Fallacy of Freedom To ‘Do What I Want’

Our forefathers fought, in their way, for freedom. Women have fought for the freedom to wear pants, to smoke cigarettes and the have an education. We have typically fought for the freedom of our country and the freedom to practice our religion.

Freedom has been, in the past, linked to increasing our choices.

However, things have gotten out of hand.

Freedom of Choice ?

Freedom has turned into freedom to buy different types of toilet paper. It’s become a consumer freedom, and it’s the same freedom the developing countries are striving for.

Freedom for many today is the freedom to do and buy what ever you want. And what is it, exactly, that we want?

As young adults, we think that our freedom is our right to do what we want. Our wants are dictated by advertising, hormones, social pressures and our will or ego to stay entertained.

Teenager’s View of Freedom

Teenagers are typically people who are pulled this way or that for no apparent rhyme or reason – this behaviour has been seen, as ‘freedom’, or going with the flow, to be able to do what you want at a whim of suggestion.

If my friend asks me to go out, then I want to be able to go, and if someone offers me a drink, I want to be able to drink it, and if I want to buy the latest mobile phone, I will feel deprived if I can not have it. I’d also like to be able to have sex with whom ever I’d like, and when ever I want, and to wear any clothes I want, and this, for me, is freedom.

Adults are seen as people who must curb their real wants and submit them to ‘conform’ to society, for the sake of family, society and work. Teenagers don’t want to become adults, and there are many adults who look at their lives through the eyes of a teenager. So when there is a chance, on holidays, or if they break up from their partner, or if they lose their work, they resort back to the teenage ideal of freedom.

That is, indulging the senses and being ‘free’ from thinking of the consequences of our actions.

‘Freedom’ is Seeking to Be a Victim

And if we look at it, for just a moment, we can see that this is not freedom. It’s the opposite. The ideal of freedom of western youth is being chained to the ever shifting whims of the ego.

The ego is a victim to concepts about what we ‘should do’, when we are a certain age, or single, or in certain situations. We are so full of our own ideas that we couldn’t see freedom if it hit us in the face.

Instead, we are victims. We can blame the politicians, we can blame advertisers and we can blame our parents, but the fact remains, that we have only ourself to blame.

We must admit, accept, and with grace, embrace our adulthood. That is, as far as I’m concerned, accept responsibility for our individual freedom.

Freedom is not.

Freedom is not following the dictates of a petulant and demanding child. And we know that our ego is nothing more than an attention demanding, bad tempered and selfish creature.

The ego wants entertainment. It’s a veteran illusion seeker. And we think we are this wilful self.

We are not.

Freedom is not about following consumer choices.

Freedom is not the urge to chase a different skirt or another pair of biceps.

Freedom is.

Freedom is freedom of the demands of the self.

Freedom is freedom from the whims of the ego.

Freedom is awaking to the eternal Self within.

Freedom is the realisation that we are, quite literally, one and the same. And putting this truth into action, is one way to express freedom, as it is.

Remembering The Buddha

Before we get caught up with ‘how to’s’ – I think there is something we should remember about Siddhartha.

He had searched and searched, using different techniques, to come to some sort of spiritual awareness. And it wasn’t until he gave up his search, he gave up looking, that his intention, his ego mind split, like the cracked shell of an egg, that he ‘awoke’ and was reborn.

Also, remember, that the Buddha did have a kind of fact sheet. Cause and effect and the way. However, its also important to remember that the Buddha did not suggest the same learning for all individuals. That’s one of the reasons there are so many Buddhist schools, different ways within the way. Each person is going to respond to different stimuli. The Buddha knew this. In his understanding, he gave each person their tools to help them.

How does this help us?

The important thing to remember is that part of us has to die before we can be reborn. Part of us has to go, so that another part can live. The two can not live together. Everyone is different. The tools you use are just that – tools, to be picked up and put down, depending on your needs.