After Acceptance Comes the Plan to Regain Health

I've been writing about my failings as a fitness professional and my weight gain and feelings of depression. And that is all part of it, but it's not the only part.

Since the middle of December 2015 I've been taking vitamin d, vitamin b, iron Floridix, spray magnesium and white Kwao Krua.  

I've been sleeping better thanks to my daughter Lydia sleeping better.

I've increased my exercise time. Weight bearing exercises at least three times a week and play ground fun with Lydia a minimum of three times a week too. Plus what ever else I can fit in.

I've dropped the amount of bread and pastries I'm eating and although I'm still sneaking in a few, I go for the small bite and make sure I have a hearty healthy snack for the 6pm rage of hunger that overcomes me. I have also started planning our meals again, and increased fruit in the mornings and vegetables all day.

I started drinking coffee again.

I've started to limit my internet, especially in the evening and the mornings.

I've replaced normal hair dye with henna! This I'm so happy for.

I've begun to feel a lot better over all. I'm feeling good, energetic, started to get my apartment in order. Started my old Flylady routines. Overall, I'm feeling great.

I don't seem to be losing weight, but I'm ok with that for the moment. All I care about is feeling better, more energetic.

Over the next few weeks I'll write in detail about some of the changes I've incorporated and see if it's something you'd like to do too.

Thanks for your support.

Forty Fat and UnFit

What happened exactly?

Of course my life changed dramatically when I left Norway 8 years ago. I was a fitness instructor in a busy gym. I trained regularly on top of the classes I had and I knew my place in the world. I was a yoga teacher and I was multi skilled in the fitness arena. I was versatile and could take Pilates, core strength classes, kids classes, rehab classes. I even created a fitness belly dance class. That was the centre of my life.

First comes love, then comes the Marriage.

My little family of three moved and we travelled around south east Asia and to Australia. We were on the move for two years. I home schooled my son and I practised yoga and when I could. I even practised by the river Ganges. We did pilgrimages to sacred sites and I prayed, meditated and I felt like I was deepening my awareness of life and spirit. 

Settling Down

We moved to this apartment in Granollers Catalonia about 6 years ago. I'm about to get my residency permit. So for 6 years I haven't been able to work, legally. There have been some loopholes that some people have been willing to fall in, so I have been working on and off when I could. 

My role changed from single independent mother, bread earner, creator and manager of my destiny to mother, cook, cleaner, supportive partner and occasional teacher. I felt disempowered. My heart and mind hadn't caught up to my reality. Yes, I blogged about my experiences. Yes I trained and walked and explored. Yes I tried to do the best I could with what I had, but a fundamental flaw remained. 

Then Comes the Baby Sitting in the Carriage 

We had a baby. It really got between me and who I thought I was. My need to be a good mother was fighting with my need to be a yoga teacher. Both were failing. I suffered some problems towards the end of my pregnancy. My skin was itching terribly. I had pain in my back. I felt alone, tired and ridiculous. What was I doing, a forty something without many friends or family around her having a baby? Was I crazy? There is no financial support here in Spain, for a baby. The father gets two weeks leave. My family were in Australia. If I didn't have a compulsive cleaning teenage son and Kate my best friend here, I would have fallen off the deep end.  Albert works long hours. He's often out of the house twelve hours a day. I can tell you vomit, a demanding baby, being three days unshowered, the house work getting out of control can send anyone over the edge. Don't even get me started on lack of sleep. Lydia at 2 years and 3 months has just started sleeping better, and I do believe it's one of the reasons I'm feeling so much better. 

Basically sweet pastry became my best friend. I have been known to go on a walk and stop in every single bakery along the way, just for a little something. Yes. And I lied about it. Actually, about a year ago I realised I was a binge eater. I had no idea. I just seemed to blank out. I was lying about the food I was eating. I started to think about food more, and it's control over me. I blogged a bit about it last year. That was shedding some light on who I had become. Someone I didn't recognise. 

Where is Your Self Esteem Plugged In?

I didn't realise I was getting my self esteem from my strong athletic body. But I was. So if I was fat and flabby, how do you think my self esteem was talking to me every day I looked in the mirror? 

I didn't realise that I was used to getting support from my social group and my work. I used to be praised often. I used to be called upon to shed light on a matter. People contacted me to help solve problems. And here, I was nobody. Nobody was calling me. Nobody was telling me I was special and gifted and an angel. Here I felt ignored. Looked over. Unimportant. And I was in a rage about it. My little me was shouting all the time 'what about me? I am important too! I am somebody' 

But the fact is, I used to be a somebody. Then I became a nobody. And now, I am just me. I don't need the approval  of others. I'm not looking for it. I am not in the self pity game of 'poor little me' - I've been there and done that. It's not for me. No label for me just now. And breathe.

Who am I?

I still considered myself a yoga teacher first. A teacher. And I wasn't. I was failing. I was two sizes bigger than I was before I was pregnant.  And as the years went by, I discovered I was becoming embittered, frustrated, angry. At everything and everyone. Because they were in the way of who I thought I was.

Thank God for having a change of mind, a change of heart. Thank God for learning about yourself and being able to flick a switch on in your darkest moments. 

And here I am, rebuilding my life based on who I am at the moment. I wrote a bit about it before, but I can't tell you enough how important this moment has been to me. 

From frustrated and impotent yoga teacher to fulfilled mother, determined house keeper, loving cook, and heartfelt companion to my family. Like I've said before, I still teach sometimes. And I have other part time jobs, including a new online jewellery shop. But number one is my two year old daughter. I will not spend one more second wishing for something I don't have, consciously or not. I am filled to the brim with my life here. If only I let it in. And not see it as 'worse', or 'failing'. How can being an attentive mother to a darling girl be a failing?! How could I think I needed to do more to be more to achieve more? 

And do you know what? My headaches stopped. And the pain in my neck stopped. I'm smiling again. And exercising. I feel like fruit instead of chocolate. I still feel like chocolate, just not as much. And I'm just buzzing with life and creativity. I can feel the spirit move within me. My vision has started buzzing. 

Conscious Archetypal Shift! It's possible and it's wonderful.

I've even started thinking in poetry again, and that's always a sign I'm plugged into the source of Life. 

Over Forty and Feeling It

I hate looking in the mirror these days.
I don't think I've ever thought I was especially pretty, but these days I feel downright ugly.
My partner says I'm just tired. Tell that to my mirror.
I'm not sure what's going on with me. I've been getting neck and back pain. My headaches are almost daily. I've had three or so panic attacks for the first time in my life. My skin is sagging, wrinkled and drab. My hair brittle, My nails are chipping. I have constant pain in my eyes and face.
It makes every day tasks so difficult.
Last week I made a few changes, and I have seen some results already.
I've added liquid vit D to my diet, multi complex B, I'm taking iron floradix and spray magnesium on for the skin.
I'm treating myself for depression.
Starting today I'm taking walk every single day. Get up and go for a walk. Get outside and breathe. I have to feel the sun and air on my skin.

My New Year's Resolution is to begin a regular yoga practice again too. I miss it so much.
I am in a position I never expected to be in. Overwhelmed by small tasks, despondent, unwilling to make an effort.

I have to say the wisdom of the Flylady helps me in these moments. Some of the important changes she suggests and work for me are making sure you dress, do your hair and groom - every single day. This is your gift to you and it makes a difference.  Wear something you like. Even if it's just your favourite colour. Wear your favourite jewellery.

She also says 15 minutes a day can accomplish anything. And that is wonderful advice for someone like me with limited free time. Just do it for 15 minutes. And let it go.

Releasing Pain From The Past

After Dreamland 
So this morning I woke in pain. Piercing pain over the right eye and up into the head, my right shoulder had an inflamed pressure point and my tonsils were sore.
Then I immediately remembered that I had a sore throat and tonsillitis frequently when I was a child and that reminded me about chakras and I put on a 5th throat chakra necklace to help balance out the energetics. 

Yoga Therapist 
A friend of mine wrote to me the other day about some personal issues she was dealing with, and in meditation she heard 'Physician Heal Thyself', and I hear her telling me the same thing. 

I'm sure some of you know, but for those who don't, I'm a yoga therapist. That means I use what I have learnt from yoga (and other disciplines) to help people heal in body and mind. If I had to treat myself, as I do right now, then the first and easiest point to start is with childhood memories, chakras, asana practice and affirmations. Then I usually see how we go from there. I've also started practising tapping, and have found it really helpful. Since Lydia's birth I've also dappled in Homeopathy with the help of Kate and Janet, and this is a totally new world to explore. 

A student/friend of mine suggested I start offering these types of consultations via skype, so perhaps in the next few months we'll get that up and started. 

Why Pain? 
In some painful moments like these, I wonder why on earth I'm digging through heaps of old rubbish just to feel rotten again. I mean, what's the point?

And the truth is, I feel it's my duty. As a person who has chosen to try to be as conscious about her life and life choices as possible, it's my responsibility to clear away as much debris from my life as I can. In clearing my debris, I help clear my personal patterns, my families patterns, and the patterns of the world. In my small way, I am changing the possibilities for our future. And because of that, I must go through these clearings. 

Acceptance is Key
The pain is a release. I have been sitting on fear and repression for many years. It has never been allowed to be expressed. And now, in the safety of my adult arms, it can release itself. All of the pent up emotion, all of the fear, all of the struggle jumping out of the recesses of my memory and my cell tissue like the horrors of Pandora's box. But you know what, once they are released, I've still got something left. Hope. This magical word, ready to to inflame creativity, passion and life itself. 

So yes, sometimes it really does get a bit worse before it gets better. But keep your eye on the goal. It is a process. And right now its painful. Sit with it. Honour it. Give it space to be allowed to exist with no judgement. Breathe deeply. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We can do this. 

Photo Credits Tiffany Jones

A New Beginning - Adyashanti's Invitation

"Its the beginning of a new way of life. Instead of a life lived from the separate ego, from the illusion of the egoic personality identity,  its the beginning of life lived from a conscious recognition of our true nature as spirit. And that's a truly new life. That's a beginning. Its the end of  identification with egoic personality, but its not the end of spirituality as some people think. Its actually the beginning of a new way of life. Its the beginning of the discovery, an ongoing discovery of what's it like, what is it, to recognize that you are spirit appearing as a human being. What is it to begin to live life from that recognition. That is a journey all of on itself. How does one express that recognition?"

Transcript from Adyashanti's audio CD True Meditation.   If you have Spotify.

An Invitation to 100 days

Good afternoon everyone.

Today I am encouraging you to join me in doing your chosen activity for 100 days.

The activity can be anything you have been meaning to do/study, but have found it difficult to become motivated.  Today is the first of June. What better time to start?

Personally, I am going to do my sumi-e and my Catalan for 100 days straight. If you get sidetracked and miss a day, then you haven’t got the point of this invitation.

This is to stick to one activity, every day, for 100 days. Something you’ve wanted to do, but don’t, for one reason or another.

This is not the time to put it back on the shelf. Its time to set some time aside, let it be 15 minutes, 30 minutes, or an hour, every day, and ‘do it’.

Write in a journal, every day, for 100 days. What is it that you want to do?

I want to paint. And I will. I also need to learn Catalan, so I shall.

Come join me! 

Important of Practice

We’re not just looking for a flat stomach. We’re not just looking to fit into last year’s pants.

We’re practicing yoga, qigong, meditation to bring the One that dwells within out of the closet.

When we sit in silence, when we practice mindfully, when we watch the thoughts and make the detachment from them, we are giving the indweller, the eternal Self, a chance to come through.

We know that there is an egoic self making demands. We know it puts us into situations where we can never be fulfilled. And we give it a lot of attention.

The more we practice meditation, the more we liberate the indweller. The ‘Being’ that is constant.

Our practice is our fight for freedom from the egoic mind. Our practice is our path to peace. Our practice defends the Soul from the many illusions we are presented with on a daily level. Our practice helps us navigate through the jungle of life.

Practice is more than getting stronger, fitter, and better than the guy beside me.

Practice is our truest friend and guide. Be loyal to your practice and without a doubt, you will lift layers of artifice from your mind.

With love

Invitation to Reaffirm your Sadhana

7^th of July 2009 Full Moon

Invitation to Begin or Reaffirm Your Sadhana

Sadhana is a Sanskrit word for spiritual practice.

In two days we have a full moon. On this full moon, I invite you to dedicate yourself to your spiritual exercise with the opportunity of a new start.

Traditionally this phase of the moon heralds a new start, dedication to your discipline, your teacher and to the great sage Veda Vyasa.

If you would like to take the opportunity you can do so in anyway you feel comfortable.

Some ideas :

Light a candle

Say a prayer

Awaken early (4am is suggested in traditional texts!)

Write your self a commitment

Practice with a friend

Vow to yourself to dedicate yourself to your practice

Reminder :

Vow something that you can keep. If it means saying ‘I’m going to practice to the best of my ability, when I can.’ Then say that.

However, don’t say ‘I’m going to practice every day for an hour’ and then be unable to stay the course. Know yourself and give yourself achievable aims. You only disappoint yourself if you aim too high and you lose your personal integrity.

Links to explore :

Significance of the Guru-Purnima Day

The Guru Purnima

Advice for New Beginners

‘I don’t want to do it today.’

‘I feel bad because I haven’t practiced all week.’

‘I don’t want to disappoint my teacher.’

‘It was ok to start with, but I feel like training is a burden.’

‘When I started, I needed change, but now, I feel fine, so I’m not going to continue any more.’

‘I don’t see the point anymore.’

When ever we begin a new project or activity we start fresh, open and willing. Some of us continue with little problem, but most of us begin to feel that continuing training becomes more and more difficult as our mind throws up obstacles.

By beginning a mind/body discipline, you are suggesting to yourself that you want change of some sort. You might want to feel calmer, to get fitter, to feel better, to look good in a swim suit. This forces you into a new role of student and learner.However, as we begin the process of change, we come up against certain resistance. Our ego has been happy so far. It does not want to change things. Its used to the ups and downs of our moods, and it likes the indulgences and thoughtless activity. Our ego will resist.At this point, we either give up, or we struggle along with lessening enthusiasm.

Or, we can see what the mind is doing and remember why we began and wanted to begin training in the first place. (If you’re an absolute new beginner, it’s a good idea to write yourself an honest letter explaining why you want to begin a mind/body discipline. As honest as you can. And when you feel that you don’t want to train any more, take a look at the letter as a reminder of how you felt at the beginning.)

Dealing with ‘I don’t want to.’

We want to practice, first and foremost, just noticing the resistance. Because we feel or think something, it does not mean we must act upon it. Let it be, but continue the practice. Sometimes we don’t want to brush our teeth, but we do it anyway. (At least I hope so.)

Being honest with ourself.

What is the real reason we feel resistance?

Is it fear of change?

Is the training taking us to places that makes us feel uncomfortable?

Talk about it with other students and/or your instructor.

Perhaps some changes in the routine is required to help pass through a difficult stage.Be compassionate with ourself. We have many years of being a certain way and thinking certain things, and living with certain patterns of behaviour. If we were perfectly happy with how we are, we wouldn’t be looking for change. We’re now opening ourselves to a new way of being. It usually does not happen over night. It will take some time, some patience and some forgiveness on our part towards ourself.

If you have any other suggestions about how you can combat ‘I don’t want to even though its beneficial for me’ post them or e mail.

Originally posted on Patheya-blogspot.

A New Beginner's Attitude Towards Training

‘I don’t want to do it today.’

‘I feel bad because I haven’t practiced all week.’

‘I don’t want to disappoint my teacher.’

‘It was ok to start with, but I feel like training is a burden.’

‘When I started, I needed change, but now, I feel fine, so I’m not going to continue any more.’

‘I don’t see the point anymore.’


When ever we begin a new project or activity we start fresh, open and willing. Some of us continue with little problem, but most of us begin to feel that continuing training becomes more and more difficult as our mind throws up obstacles.

By beginning a mind/body discipline, you are suggesting to yourself that you want change of some sort. You might want to feel calmer, to get fitter, to feel better, to look good in a swim suit. This forces you into a new role of student and learner.

However, as we begin the process of change, we come up against certain resistance. Our ego has been happy so far. It does not want to change things. Its used to the ups and downs of our moods, and it likes the indulgences and thoughtless activity. Our ego will resist.

At this point, we either give up, or we struggle along with lessening enthusiasm. Or, we can see what the mind is doing and remember why we began and wanted to begin training in the first place. (If you’re an absolute new beginner, it’s a good idea to write yourself an honest letter explaining why you want to begin a mind/body discipline. As honest as you can. And when you feel that you don’t want to train any more, take a look at the letter as a reminder of how you felt at the beginning.)

Dealing with ‘I don’t want to.’

We want to practice, first and foremost, just noticing the resistance. Because we feel or think something, it does not mean we must act upon it. Let it be, but continue the practice. Sometimes we don’t want to brush our teeth, but we do it anyway. (At least I hope so.)

Being honest with ourself. What is the real reason we feel resistance? Is it fear of change? Is the training taking us to places that makes us feel uncomfortable?
Talk about it with other students and/or your instructor. Perhaps some changes in the routine is required to help pass through a difficult stage.

Be compassionate with ourself. We have many years of being a certain way and thinking certain things, and living with certain patterns of behaviour. If we were perfectly happy with how we are, we wouldn’t be looking for change. We’re now opening ourselves to a new way of being. It usually does not happen over night. It will take some time, some patience and some forgiveness on our part towards ourself.

If you have any other suggestions about how you can combat ‘I don’t want to even though its beneficial for me’ post them or e mail.

Where Lies the Freedom of Rules?

Where is the freedom of rules?

“Think not that we have revealed unto you a mere code of laws.”
Baha’u’ llaha

When we start out, and begin looking at religions, trying to find what resonates, we come up against laws.

We, as Seekers, based in the West and looking eastward, are stifled by the Church, by the good and bad morality, by the judgement and the guilt. We’re looking for more than material gain and a suffocating marriage where we smile with the mouth only.

We question the rules we have been taught. We question the ten commandments – and we come to some agreement with some of them, while others make us feel pressured, as though we were going against our own self.

Be careful.

Step warily.

Once you have chosen the seekers path, there are many ways leading into the darkness of the self. The self that twists and turns like wind in a storm. Be careful not to become the shadow of a rock, for fear. Be aware of the ego and the demands of this selfish child.

Search, discover, stand firm.

The laws – the guidelines - the rules, they are there, for a reason. Some need to be questioned – and some will reveal their treasure to you.

You are not the first. You are not the last. We are all together. Some have less awareness, others have more. You and I are in the middle of it all, together, taking this journey.

Stay humble. Watch your ego. Listen to nature. Let your heart sing.

Remember that in a storm, the strong and unbending oak is torn up by its roots.

But the bamboo, its roots stay firm, while it allows itself to bend gently this way and that, and when the storm resides, its roots are firmly in place. Be like the bamboo. Find your strength and let the winds come. The winds do come. There is no denying it. They are but winds, and you will endure.

An Evening Prayer

a



A prayer for closing.

Reflection and Repose

The day has been and gone
And left its kiss upon my skin.

I take this moment to pause
And consider the words of the morning.

I am. You are. We are.
The All. The Creator. The One.

I discovered you in the dappled light.
I lived your essence in my breath.
I gave thanks for the earth’s gifts.
I took another step on my journey.

I’ve cared for my body.
I’ve lived the interchange of opposites
in my breath and with my senses.
Thank you for all that I have.


In giving thanks I salute your gift of life.

Let my actions that were given with love
Spread like wild flowers upon a field.

Let me forgive my lapses,
And accept my humanity.

Love is the language of a positive life.
Let me contemplate my action.

Let me speak, act and think with love,
Especially to myself.

I am. You are. We are.
The All. The Creator. The One.

That question again!

In an open inquiry I read (the letter has been edited for the sake of clarity) -

“Does God, in any form, exist?

I cannot grasp the idea of a religion.

I cannot even grasp the concept of faith, in any form.

I want to be able to grasp the idea of faith, but find it impossible.

Help clarify faith for me.

I long to understand faith or religion of any type, because knowledge alone seems pretty lonely a thing to have all my life.”


I’ve been contemplating for a few days whether to answer or not.

I’m only going to give another opinion to a person who is already confused. Sometimes, in these cases, less is more.
Finally, I woke up today, and knew I had to contribute. This is what I wrote -


“I’m touched by your concern and honest struggle. Let me ask you some questions for your consideration.

What do you mean by ‘God’? Can you explain what the term ‘god’ is, to you (not what other people say, but what you ‘think’ and ‘feel’, if there was a god)

Religion is not god. Its human’s ‘rules and rituals’ concerning their beliefs about god.

Faith – in what? What do you want to have faith in? What is it you are really seeking?

The only proof of ‘faith’ that you need is your own existence. You are a manifestation, of something. What is that something? Where does it come from? How can we discover it?

The questions – and the answer?

The micro-macro theory helps. It’s a system that suggests we look at the one, so that we can see the all. The laws of nature – at a miniscule level… and thus, the fascination of quantum physics by open minded spiritual seekers.

This is only a little step. But guess what?

Even though the Buddha came up with the eightfold path, you know what he did to become enlightened?

He sat under a tree and said ‘I’ve been searching and searching for the answer. I’m still no closer to the truth. I give up. I’m going to sit here and meditate until I find the answer.’ He gave up searching, and just ‘existed’. And then, bang. “

As always, comments welcome.

Yoga is for new age hippies

Yoga outside of the first circle of the gyre.

This article is related to another post that you can read here.

Yoga is for new age hippies who are self deluded.

Yoga is a cop out for the disillusioned.

I have read these two descriptions of yoga in the past week and I believe it.

After the initial surprise of what I thought of as an attack upon me personally, I weighed the words and began to agree with what is in effect, a description of myself.

I am self deluded and I am disillusioned.

Yoga, for me, has been a way to protect myself from the society I was born into. A society where I was faced with lies, false values, selfishness, contradictions, deceit and told it was ‘just the way things work’.

Somebody the other day, after I asked their advice about how to deal with life as it is, told me to learn the weaknesses of my fellow man (woman and child) and ride it to the top of what ever I wanted for myself.

In otherworlds, manipulate your weaknesses for my benefit.

I have heard this advice more than once. I am usually disappointed and unhappy and go and practice some yoga to feel better.

This time I thought about it.

I came to the conclusion (for the present). I do use yoga as a bandaid for the hurts I feel in life. But, I thought of something else too.

If we just expand the idea of yoga a little further, then we have the ability, all of us, to turn the disillusion into illusion. Not only for ourelves, but for the world.

We are no longer ‘copping out’, but living the values we believe in.

How?

Yoga is about unity.

When we sit in our class, we are talking about unity of breath and movement. We are talking about the unity of mind and body. We can, if advanced, talk about unity with The Big Consciousness Out There Somewhere.

I am not saying this is wrong.

All I’m saying is that we need to expand our idea of unity to incorporate it into our daily life as well.

To live our yoga.

So we are not just using yoga as a way to heal our minds after being faced with consumerism and materialism and self focused values, but as a philosophy of life.

The united nations – The unity of nations. Not about making them all the same, but about finding the ‘common’ among them and discussing issues for all nations.

(let’s not discuss the failings as yet – lets just notice how many groups of people say the believe in yoga (unity), and how they do it, and gain insight and information about how this idea can continue.)

Community – Unity – That’s what we are suppose to belong to. A unity of our commons. Our society is based on the idea of yoga.

If we put our mind to unity – if we find a way to merge our commons, we grow strong.

We are no longer a ‘cop out’ – a disillusioned and deluded individual seeking solace from some eastern philosophy.

We are, instead, a strong voice (and $) behind our values of unity.

And practically, what does that mean?

Intelligent question. It means, in practical sense, put your money where your mouth is.

If you are going to be more than a fad yoga practitioner, then you need to do a little research.

I’ve added some links below for your perusal .

If we want to work together, then you need to talk. You need to leave comments, you need to involve yourself.

And that doesn’t mean you can miss your hatha yoga practice in the morning. The self just has to be involved in putting its philosophy into action in its wider gyre.

Friends of the Earth

Footprints Network

Oxfam International

World Vision - coffee article

The Missing Link

I’m afraid.

I’m missing something.

There’s a piece of information that just doesn’t click into place.

I’m a mind and body teacher. This infers that I study and teach methods that unite the mind and the body. That unite ideas with action. And I’m stuck.

There is a piece in the link that doesn’t make sense to me. The space between ‘I know what I’m doing is bad for me, but I’m going to do it anyway.’ And I’m not just talking about everyone else. I’m talking about me too. That’s how I know for sure. Cause it happens to me too.

But what is it?

A woman knows that smoking is bad for her. Absolutely, without a doubt, knows it, but still lights up.

A boy knows that being worried about spiders in his bed, in his clothes, on the couch, on the floor makes him act with painful nervousness. Even if he only sees one spider a week, and that one outside in a tree, it doesn’t help. He still worries.

A man knows that his body is getting fatter, and he’s losing his youth by sitting at a computer all day at work, and sitting in front of the tv all evening. He knows it. He sees it in photos that are being taken. But he still does it.

I know that caffeine in espresso shots makes my heart race and interferes with meditation and yoga practice. I know that I need to drink more water because my lips are dry and I’m thirsty. But I don’t do it. Even though I know for a fact that its good for me to stop drinking half the amount of coffee I drink, and to increase my water intake. (I now go and drink a glass of water)

So what is it?

What creates change?

Well, in the case of the smoker. Her story changed when the doctor discovered a hole in the back of her throat. Cancer. He said if she didn’t stop, she’d die for sure. She also suffers emphysema, and needs medication every day to keep it in check.

So do we need the imminent toll of punishment and doom to kick us into gear? Is that the only way to give ourselves the kick up the posterior that we all seem to need, in varying degrees of impact?

What creates change?

Some times its circumstances. If we change our daily habits, we can change the triggers that make us want to do the ‘negative’ thing. (Its not a ‘bad’ thing. It’s a ‘negative’ thing, something that has a negative impact on our lives.) For example, if I start reading a novel, then I like to sit down with a latte or cappuccino. I could change the drink. I could change the place I start to read the book. I could start by just being aware of the circumstances that produce the negative behaviour. (By the way, I love coffee. I’m not saying to you that you can’t drink it. I’m just talking about coffee’s impact on my body. Other people don’t have the same biological responses to one shot of espresso that I do.)

In the case of the man who’s body was falling into disuse and increased amounts of body fat. He decided that instead of driving his car to work, he would walk or ride his bike, depending on how much time he had in the mornings. He still drove when it was raining, but it was a start. And its no story of a miracle cure. He still sits in front of the computer or the tv all day. But he does get out a bit for a walk every now and then.

Fear

Fear of death. Fear of punishment. Fear of society’s scowl. Fear of being uglier. Fear of turning out like our parents.

One of the reasons I began meditating in the first place was in direct reaction to NOT wanting to be like my mother.

The straw that broke the camel’s back

One man I spoke to said he changed his lifestyle because there was only so much of wishing and wishing that you could do. It acts like a pressure cooker. It builds up steam and then ‘pop!’ You’re off and away.

I guess that’s the typical explosion that puts a stop to negative relationships. It’s a gentle ticking that builds up into some sort of time bomb… Just waiting for the right minute.

Sudden inspiration

People say, ‘oh, I don’t know what made me do it. It just kind of happened.’ This is a mysterious one. Some people seem more likely to do impulsive changes than others.

Ok, so there are a few ways to change. But, what makes change so difficult?

Inertia. Laziness. The TV. Society promotes stability. Fear. Better the devil you know. Lack of motivation. Lack of really caring. What’s the point. Not seeing the effect of your actions. Not looking at life from a long term perspective. Just have fun. Don’t worry about the future. Seeing the future as so so far away. Living with the Hollywood mentality of young and free and stupid and beautiful (but having fun and looking good cause if you’re old iiiiiik) But my friends. But my family. But my children. Nobody understands me. Following the patterns of someone else. Living a life a magazine tells me is the ‘right’ thing to do. Not thinking. Not taking responsibility for ourselves. Expecting someone else to do it for you.

I think a lot of our inertia problems, and it’s the big one for me, is that there was no initiation into adulthood. Nobody said, well, now, you will be responsible for your life. Do you understand what that means? Nobody explained what it meant to be a human. The learning parts. The progress of baby, child, teenager, young adult, adult, mature adult, senior. So if I look out into the world for role models, for something to build a future on, what do I see?

Well, personally, I see my mother. Who, earlier, didn’t do a good job. So I ejected that one.

I see my father. He wasn’t too crash hot either. Eject button.

I look at my grandmother. She was obsessed with cleaning the house, she had no life outside of checking specials at the supermarket and vacuuming. Eject.

TV? MTV? Girl magazines? I didn’t want to be a boy toy. I don’t want to learn the secrets of flirting or how to shake my booty. I don’t really care about the newest concealer or who is dating who. Its not striking a chord with me. EJECT.

So dig further, but it takes time. And slowly you start to find your way. And change is often viewed in the society as a sign of instability and anarchy. Its untrustworthy. So you have to fight that too.

Change. Ever widening gyre. It spreads the good in ever widening circles.

I’m not sure I’m any closer to the answer.

What stops you?
What motivates you?
What makes you change?
What’s made a difference?