Entertain Us

Jett and I were sitting in a café.

‘Oh look,’ I said, ‘a man out on his balcony.’ I pointed up at the man. The man was only in his singlet. His hair was greased back. I noticed that he was exceptionally skinny.

Jett said ‘He’s only in his singlet.’

Then I started to notice that the curtains were partially closed behind him and he was holding something in his hand. He looked back inside the dark apartment, called to someone and then he started to flick at something that I realised was a needle.

‘Oh.’

Now, I felt a rush of horror, but again, I thought, well, the addiction to drugs, is addiction to sensation. I was drinking a coffee. As we left the café, I saw cigarette butts crushed on the pavement. We walked past cola machines and cigarette machines and some women walked past with shopping bags, then we passed a group of teenagers decked out like pop stars - and we are all following sensation. Different levels. Different needs. But the same need. More excitement. More stimulation. More entertainment.

When I hear this same tune in my head, I hear Nirvana. Every time.

I feel stupid and contagious.

Who am I to tell you how to be human?

I’ve been consciously studying ‘how to be human’ for since 1985.

I was 14. I'd just received a call from my parents telling me that they wanted to be together, without me, so from now on, I now lived with my grandparents. Say what you like, it was the best thing that every happened to me. It was the first grand attack on my value system and forced me to face myself and my beliefs at an early age.

It began as the study of survival.

My survival.

Know thyself – According to Pausanias, these words were inscribed in the forecourt of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi.

Seek and ye shall find – attributed to Jesus of Nazareth in the Gospel according to Mathew

The cause of all pain and suffering is ignorance - attributed to Siddhartha Gautama, The Buddha

Patience, discipline, strength – words I came across while studying Qigong

These words have been the pillars of rest and contemplation in between my moments of chaotic searching.

So I started my adult life cut off from human society.

I feared people.

I was afraid, vulnerable, secretive, unhappy, self condemning, judgmental, selfish, arrogant, disdainful, bored, uncaring, in pain, alone, cut off, ostracized, vindictive, ignorant, critical, hateful, and scornful.

I was afraid of people, of dying, of the future, of the past, of another's opinion, of the ruin of the environment, of societies view of me, of other’s judgment of me, of being poor, of my parent's alcoholic and anti-social life style.

I was vulnerable because I imagined the world considered me as less – it made me sensitive to criticism, snubs, blank faces, negative interpretation, conspiracy theories – my self image was poor, I felt ugly, plain, I felt worthless.

I was necessarily secretive because I felt that nobody would understand what I was going through. Nobody had parents who drank, that stole from the rest of society, that were poor, and sometimes rich.

Everything I have discovered, from this point of pain and rejection, everything about ‘being human’ comes from my experiences.

I didn’t feel human before. And I wanted to become human. I wanted to discover what it meant to be human.

I am a living experiment.

I am a product of my exploration of what it means to be human.

And then I realised, that I am you, and you are me. And all of this 'me' talk, was actually about us. You, my brothers and sisters. Its about us, and how to manage our life together.

There are many points to consider. Social, political, economic, spiritual, educational, environmental. But first and foremost, all dialogue begins with you and with me.

Much love.

Passion and Ration

Some guidelines for dealing with the passion with a dash of ration.

“The unfortunate thing about passionate subjects such as patriotism is that some people can tend to become defensive if they perceive their values are being attacked.” *

Let’s admit it. We want everyone to agree with us and to believe what we say without criticism.

Then we get a little more experience, and discover that the ideals and the beliefs we held so dear when we were teenagers, have, thankfully, been toned down with experience and a better understanding of the complexities of life.

Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

Some points to consider before engaging in discussion

1) Are you offering your opinions so that other people can discuss them?

2) Do you just want to have your say?

3) Will you be offended if someone disagrees with you, or offers another opinion?

4) Why are you on a group called ‘debate’, if you just want to shout from a megaphone?

5) ? I’m sure there are lots of other points and you are welcome to point them out.


What are values?

Values are the things we hold dear to us. They are valuable. They are the words we say when we see our friends and family in dire straights, when we see injustice on the TV and we suffer over because often, they don’t really mirror the reality of the world we live in.

Values undergo change, depending on how much money we have, depending on how much we want it, depending on what our friends think, depending on what era we are born in, depending on, well, many things.

If values can change so much, where is the inherent truth in them, and why do we give them so much importance?

If we can perceive our values are attacked, we become defensive. Its true, isn’t it? So, if we know, that our values have changed in our own life time, and would have changed depending on if we were born a Turk, or born a German Jew in 1925, if you were born in any one else’s shoes other than your own, then… we can see that there are many things that can attack our value system, and no wonder we feel so defensive all of the time. Because everything is challenging us all of the time. Isn’t it?

So, how can we win?

By being aware. By being tolerant, and realizing that not everything can be won by screaming. Screaming it louder than anyone else doesn’t make it right. It just makes it annoying.

Discussion, where there is a civil volley of response, is ideal. Sometimes I serve, some times you serve. Sometimes you floor me with an ace, and sometimes I bamboozle you with technique. Its all ok. Its just words.

Remember, you can’t shake hands with a clenched fist.

Comments welcome.

* Written to me in private correspondance

Why do we lie to our children?

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Story telling and its original purpose


Mum said ‘When did your parents tell you that? Were you at a young age, were you putting things into your ears?’

Albert had just retold a story about a relative finding a bead inside of his ear, after suffering weeks of pain.

My mother’s obvious conclusion was that Albert’s parents were trying to teach Albert a lesson about not putting things into his ears. In other words, she thought that his parents told Albert an untrue story that would help him to live a life free of ear pain induced by putting random objects into his ear.

Today, we don’t really tell our children these kind of stories. We are more likely to tell them ‘facts’, like eating too many sweets will produce plaque and thus more visits to the dentist and subsequently more pain.

It doesn’t seem to be having much impact on their sweet intake, but it makes us feel like we are not lying to our children, that we are being informative and educational, not like our superstitious parents forcing us not to walk under ladders and something about throwing salt over the left shoulder.

But what was the original meaning behind the stories we once told?

I was recently traveling around outback Australia, and I came across informative centers where I read many stories where animals spoke and lessons were learnt about how to take care of the land, and how to share water and the consequences of not heeding the lesson of the stories.

Some Australian Indigenous groups are amongst the oldest surviving nomadic peoples in the world. They had a relatively untouched (by outside influences) culture until only 200 years ago, perhaps leading us to a broader understanding of how societies emerged and evolved over time.

I saw on the TV an indigenous program where an older male was repeating stories to a child (of about 2 years old) about someone needing help, and the elder repeated ‘give away your things’, while simultaneously wiping the child’s palm away from the body.

I don’t have a lot of research about this topic, but even if we look back to our own childhoods, some of the stories had a moral purpose, like ‘The boy who cried wolf’ and 'King Midas'. They were not true stories, they are what we term fables or fairytales, and they were told with the preposition that what we tell children should help equip them for an adult life where one’s behavior will have consequences – don’t tell lies or people won’t believe you anymore. If you only chase after gold, in the end you’ll end up only with material goods and nothing else.

Today we don’t have a lot of time for stories. Today we tell facts. We tell facts about tooth decay and eating to much will make you fat and if you don’t study you won’t get a good job and we dress our children in designer wear so that they’ll fit in to a social group and we indulge there need for brand sneakers (because we understand) and we leave them in front of the television for the stories we used to tell.

Imagine. Sitting around a fireside, listening to the deep voice of your grandfather while you are gently held by your older sister, or your mother. You hear a story about helping each other in times of need. The story has drama and passion and everyone’s face is lit up with the light of the flames from the centre of your family and friends.

Imagine. Sitting around a television, listening to canned laughter and the nasal intonation of a smart mouthed teenager girl dressed in the best designer jeans you’ve seen. You’re alone because everyone else is watching their own TV in their own room. You hear a story about a boyfriend sleeping with a best friend and how a gun man terrorized a school in a state in North America you didn’t know existed and still can’t remember what state it was. The story has drama and a certain irony because you knew that the boy wasn’t to be trusted and the gunman was probably being ignored at a girl at his school and there is no one beside you on the lounge.

The television is telling the moral stories our children are listening to.

How many times have you though ‘I wonder where he/she gets that from?’

You know where. The TV is teaching our children the values of our society.

Its teaching the glory of the United States of America. The glory of the mighty dollar. That status is in brand names. That self value is dictated by how pretty, thin, and rich you are. Its teaching the value of short term pleasure over long term happiness.

We used to lie to our children to encourage them to be safe, to help them in social interaction, to enhance their wellbeing.

We lie to our children now that we don’t have time for them. But we have 30 minutes to browse on the internet. We have 30 minutes to indulge in our favorite magazine. We have 30 minutes for our selves. Then we let the TV do the rest of the talking.

My secret

I have a plan.

A plan to shock and shift the values in our society.

I am researching the commons in our unity. The fabrications, the illusions, the positives, the negatives.

When I have a handful of strings from the diversity of thought from systems like politics, economics, psychologists, scientists, I will draw them together and weave a strong rope.

These strings will represent the strong undercurrent of sweeping social change I can feel emerging with every beat of my heart.

We will focus our energies on the things we have in common.

- Our belief in making decisions based on our long term happiness over short term pleasure

- Our commitment to understanding our responsibility in our position of affluence

- Our belief in living our ‘ideals’ – authenticity

- Our commitment to humanities future through caring for and forging stronger, supportive relationships to our children

- Our understanding of the environmental crisis we are facing with countries such as India and China desiring to consume as much as we do, and understanding our entire system needs overhauling if we are to survive

Take a look at www.wellbeingmanifesto.net for more ideas.

Why?

Because we are ugly. We are superficial. We are disillusioned. We are depressed. We are alcoholics. We are drug addicts. We don’t care. We try retail therapy. We try binge drinking. We try buying more. We numb our brain with TV, computers, sex, romance, music and more shopping. We try screaming. We try not giving a damn. We try to blind ourselves with the flag. We try to drink more. We are angry. We are sad. We can’t believe it . We hate life. We are hurt. We can’t go on. We go missing. We want to escape. We are chained. We are hypnotized by the TV telling us that we must be young, pretty/handsome, rich. People disappoint us. Politicians disappoint us. We laugh so as not to cry. That we must buy this car, this mobile, this hairstyle, this magazine. We try divorce, we try to be single, we try to suicide. We hate our friends and our families. We think the world sucks.

And it does. It really does.

The only way to stop it, is for you to stop it. The only way.

Stop the lies, the deceit, the hurt in your own soul. Turn off the TV. Use your internet time with thought instead of feeling ‘trapped’ by it. Its all up to you.

And I believe in the power of you. I believe it, because the alternative is too terrible for me contemplate. I am blind. Blinded by my faith in humanity. In its ability to grow and develop and learn from its mistakes.

And all it takes, is for you to believe too. And then, I am a we. And we, together, can make a difference.

What the hell is normal anyway?

The internet is full of information about the effects of abuse on children, and everyone has their own opinion about it. I was looking for a link to use, but I was dissatisfied with the explanations and the methods of help offered. So I’ll just say what I want to say, with no link to back me up.

Abuse of children and stunted emotional growth

Abused children (mental/physical/emotional) are hurt. They respond differently to their abuse. But their hurt stunts their growth. The hurt shocks them into a state of mind they may not reenter until a much later time. Meanwhile, they are living a life that is not their own. That is a fabrication. A defense against the hurt. Its only after years of mistakes that they either get worse, or seek help. Often they’ll find that although their body has developed, and even though different aspects of their personality has evolved, there is a hurt and vulnerable child crying quietly in a corner. It takes time to coax the child out and make it feel safe.

Abused children are confused

Their role models of the world are doing things that are giving them conflicting messages. Children know so much more than we think, and so much less. Parts of their brain understands certain information, while their emotional growth may not be able to process the data into correct folders. They’re confused. They have basic needs that need to be met, and when they reach out to be comforted, more often than not, they are given a mouthful of sawdust. What are they being taught? Their basic needs are not being met. There is obvious dysfunction.

Abused children are lonely

They feel that nobody understands their situation. The world they met out side of their house does not correlate to the events that occur inside, where its ‘real’. They don’t have any one to talk to inside the house. And they ‘betray’ their family if they talk outside of the house. There really isn’t anywhere to go, except inside the self. And the self they meet is ill equipped to help.

As emerging adults, abused children have an underprivileged place in our society

People who can not small talk, who talk too much, who avoid confrontation, who fight at the slightest incident, who have unusual or no emotional response to ‘normal’ events, who can not maintain a job, who can not pay their bills, who abuse drugs, who are ‘too perfect’ citizens… what’s going on? And then there are the charmers, who smile and please and come home and abuse their own children. But no one can believe it. Abused children fill in the cracks in our society.

Where to go?

What does an abused child do when they grow up? They search for the things they didn’t have when they were a child, or they repeat the same mistakes their parents/abusers made. Either way, they are vulnerable and have low self esteem that keeps them in negative surroundings in their relationships or/and their work.
Is there a way out?

Well, not until the abused child is ready to stop it, and has the tools to stop it. So, its more information, its less stereotyping, its more sensitive intervention from observant people (teachers, doctors, neighbours, friends), its more positive stories about survivors and its about people who have first hand experience with abuse to make the decisions (not a brick hearted minister who ‘just doesn’t get it’) about help programs and budgets.

We have to talk more. Keep open the doors of our experience. Nothing is shameful. Nothing is wrong. Everything is ok.

Love.

Understanding.

Acceptance.

Forgiveness.