Saturday, October 31, 2009

Love me!

I was laying in bed, remembering days gone by. Lost hopes. Dreams dashed. Yearnings unfulfilled. I was laying in the tangles of my memories. I heard the pitiful voice echoing in the basement of my dungeon ‘what about me?’

And trite as it sounds, I heard ‘Love your neighbour as yourself. Jesus didn’t say, be loved, have your dreams fulfilled.’

In the blink of an eye, the moment transformed from the pitiful wail of a petulant ego, to the embracing of love. Love right now. Love what you’ve got. Love your neighbour, as you want to be loved. Imagine if we did that! Then not one of us would yearn for love.

Be the change you want to see.


Friday, October 30, 2009

The One

Gorecki by Lamb

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
for I've never known completeness
like being here
wrapped in the warmth of you
loving every breath of you
still my heart this moment
oh it might burst

could we stay right here
till the end of time until the earth stops turning
wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

all this time I've loved you
and never known your face
all this time I've missed you
and searched this human race
here is true peace
here my heart knows calm
safe in your soul
bathed in your sighs
wanna stay right here
till the end of time
till the earth stops turning
gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for

all I've known
all I've done
all I've felt was leading to this
all I've known
all I've done
all I've felt was leading to this

wanna stay right here
till the end of time till the earth stops turning
gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

the one I've waited for
the one I've waited for


While using the systems of the mind to view the word, we can only understand what we know. We can only build upon that which already is.

Seekers, seers, poets, wonderers, artists of all kinds have the capacity sometimes, to breach the systems of the mind. And we call that inspiration.

Inspiration is to be infused with the Spirit.

And what is inspired is not of the mind and can not be labelled as such. It is of a wider breadth than the mind can sustain.


Sheer Delight

What, you ask, is the beginning of it all?
And it is this ...
Existence that multiplied itself for sheer delight of being
and plunged into numberless trillions of forms
so that it might find itself innumerably.

integral yoga - sri aurobindo

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled
as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

New curtains!

Today we take the drapes down and up with the purple see through stuff. :)

Golden Leaves

The first time I felt it was during the autumn. The leaves falling - golden coins in the breeze. I walked towards those flashing flickering gold leaves, my arm in a sling.
A car had hit me as I was coming home from school. My rendition of the accident could never be like coloured pencils flying high-reminiscent of a circus- slow motion.
I was walking towards the falling leaves. Time was not apparent. There was only the moment- strangely warm on my face, the tall poplars, the white fence, the shutters on the cottage house. Norma Crescent. And I was transported. Removed from my physical self. There was only that moment, and I was of it. I can still recall the sensation with vivid impact.

Blue skies

After days of rain. The blue is brilliant.

(added later: This, my dear readers, is my first post sent via my mobile. I'm so thrilled with the technology and am feeling like Albert today. He believes that Google is sitting up there on the one side of God... ok ok ... he also says Slayer is on the other side... but I disagree there.. Anyway - google rocks - and here is a big cyber hug - mmmmmmmmmmmmm-)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Puzzle

The Puzzle
I walked into love
I walked into a minefield
I never heard of

I walked into love
I walked into a minefield
I never heard of

Her remains were spread out like the pieces of a puzzle
it took her 365 days putting them together
the pieces were quite difficult to distinguish from eachother
they were tiny and the clear blue sky
went on forever

Clearly the corners were an easy start
that was when everyone was still
helping me out
when it was time to fill in the frames
they left – they thought I ought
to have gotten over you
by then

Her remains were spread out like the pieces of a puzzle
it took her 365 days putting them together
the pieces were quite difficult to distinguish from eachother
they were tiny and the clear blue sky
went on forever

I wouldn´t do that to you
I wouldn´t do that to you
I wouldn´t do that to you
I wouldn´t do that to you

I walked into love
I walked into a minefield
I never heard of

I walked into love
I walked into a minefield
I never heard of
I never heard of…

Monday, October 19, 2009

Merging Between Worlds

Its here. My spirit has found its home. I have one foot on either side of the door. I don’t know for how long, or when it will change, or if I can do this again tomorrow –

But I do know that its here. All of the little hints, the glimpses, the peek show’s into the possibilities of what is around the corner have lead to this moment.

I have waited so long for this. When the inner world gains the upper hand over the outer. When I can feel and trust the inner as more important and more vivid and real than the illusion of the outer. I have known it, I have read about it, I have talked about it – but I have never felt it like this.

Today, as I was walking down the street looking at the concrete, the cigarette butts, the lined faces of the people, it disappeared and I felt the warm glow from within, and my vision changed. Keeping my eyes low, I could feel, on a cellular level, the joy emanating from me and all around me. The animating force of the universe literally jumping for joy in creation.

Everything is permeated with this ‘stuff’ called chi, or energy, or prana. Its movement is known to many. I’ve seen it at times, I’ve felt it at times, but nothing like today.

In a blink of an eye I was moving between two worlds. The concrete as drab, the concrete as bliss. It was just the outer coating, like the autumn jackets on the people. Nothing more. The sad faces, the defeated bodies, its just a coating for the most miraculous creation.

So, I picked up my son from school and I made lunch, and I took him back to school again, and I did my afternoon meditation and

Wham! The spirit of my body crept in and took full possession. I’ve never felt it before. Every cell glowing. The power, the glow, the life. And gratitude! The thanks for letting us use the flesh, for seeing with the eyes, for eating, for looking and learning, the gratitude is immense.

And back again. With the constant weight within my chest – the reminder of the pulse of the universe within each of us. Look with the eyes of love. It reminds me that one of the first gifts that Tara gave me last year was pink open roses for the eyes. Look with the eyes of love.

Your Brain is Too Small for the Job

We try to figure stuff out all the time. From war to water wastage, to why kids hit each other and why we throw cigarette butts on the floor.

I don’t know. Do you?

Have you figured it all out?

Do you have a system that works and answers all the questions?

The fact is, many of us live with points of view, and these are like coloured glass that we look through the world with. Well, I’ve got socialist leanings, so my glasses are a light red colour and when things upset my image of the world, maybe my glasses break, but I just buy a new pair.

That is, we put a bandaid over the problem and think it will fix it – or we shove it into the box of ‘that doesn’t fit with my view of the world’ that gets bigger and bigger and we ignore it more and more (much like my sock drawer that is also a drawer for bits and pieces I don’t know what to do with).

The human brain is just not capable of seeing things how they really are. Its too full of its own ideas. It has to be ‘this’ way, or people shouldn’t do that, or I don’t understand – and its continual. Just listen to people. How many times a day do you think, or hear someone say ‘people are just crazy’.

There is something more. But what is it? If our brain can’t understand it, why do we keep using it for the job? Perhaps there is another part of us that has the capacity to perceive, rather than see. Things are really not black and white. Its our brain trying to order everything. But it gets jammed.

Along with many others on this journey we call life, I look you in the eye, I hold your hand, and I say – let’s try with the heart. Maybe the heart is big enough to understand. Maybe the heart can see the truth without trying to impose limitations. Perhaps the heart can guide us through the jungle.

Just a suggestion.

There is More Room in a Broken Heart

Baby sneezes
Mummy pleases
Daddy breezes in

So good on paper
So romantic
But so bewildering

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
there's more room in a broken heart

You pay the grocer
Fix the toaster
Kiss the host good-bye

Then you break a window
burn the soufflé
Scream a lullaby

I know nothing stays the same
But if you're willing to play the game
It's coming around again
So don't mind if I fall apart
there's more room in a broken heart

And I believe in love
But what else can I do
I'm so in love with you

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Important of Practice

We’re not just looking for a flat stomach. We’re not just looking to fit into last year’s pants.

We’re practicing yoga, qigong, meditation to bring the One that dwells within out of the closet.

When we sit in silence, when we practice mindfully, when we watch the thoughts and make the detachment from them, we are giving the indweller, the eternal Self, a chance to come through.

We know that there is an egoic self making demands. We know it puts us into situations where we can never be fulfilled. And we give it a lot of attention.

The more we practice meditation, the more we liberate the indweller. The ‘Being’ that is constant.

Our practice is our fight for freedom from the egoic mind. Our practice is our path to peace. Our practice defends the Soul from the many illusions we are presented with on a daily level. Our practice helps us navigate through the jungle of life.

Practice is more than getting stronger, fitter, and better than the guy beside me.

Practice is our truest friend and guide. Be loyal to your practice and without a doubt, you will lift layers of artifice from your mind.

With love

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Kiss and an Egg

Today’s meditation is still sitting where I thought my heart was.

I felt a chaste and loving kiss upon my mouth.

I felt an egg shape placed inside the heart – its heavy and solid.

Its presence is a reminder, like the sun, like the moon – that the eternal IS present at every moment. The eternal witness. The observer. I saw Sparrow’s wings and the pyramid burst into a flame of light from the apex.

The evolution of human kind. The evolution of our consciousness.

Each one of us already is made manifest, but we can’t see it. Don’t let your eyes fool you into thinking what they see is real. Its not. Its just thought forms trapped in circles. Let them go. Give them no energy to spin.

Come back in, to the primal egg within – the beginning and the end – you have it all within.

The miracle of life.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Goals til 1st of January 2010

I’m going to study Catalan with enthusiasm and I will open my ears to the language instead of feel as though it hurts my head.

I’m going to make a big pot of soup every week because soup is yummy and cosy for Autumn.

I’m going to restart my Pilates training and strengthen the core muscle groups. They are integral for all physical development.

I’m going to up my physical yoga/qigong practice to an almost uncomfortable level until it is comfortable, and then I will do it again – until the end of the year.

I’m going to read ‘speed cleaning’ – and I will implement my new learnings in a practical manner.

I’m going to learn how to make a really good cake. I’m going to learn how to make it perfect, every time. I’m just undecided of the flavour.

I’m going to do more and think/plan less.

So – that’s my big ‘gonna’ list – what’s yours? Only two and a half months til the end of the year. Let’s go!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Inside the Cafeteria at Montserrat

While eating out lunch, I sat transfixed.

Light in all its aspects have had the upper hand over the dark.

Electric lights over the natural sinking of night time.

Morality of ‘shoulds’ over the reality of ‘is’.

Ration over passion.

Intellect over emotion.

System over flow.

Man over woman.

Speed of flight over speed of walk.

White skin over dark skin.

School system over family group.

Image over substance.

Quantity over quality.

Individual over community.

Material gain over spiritual glow.

The worship of the sun over the fear of the crazy moon times.

Man mad constructs over nature’s abundance.

But something has changed. What was once hidden, is coming to pass in all of us. The darkness is coming to meet the light.

The snake’s tail is joining to the wings of the great ancient gods –

Plumbed water serpents

Dragons and other flying serpents

Serpents and winged gods

The serpent of life and wisdom

The very thing the Dragon is protecting – the ‘pearl’ of myth, the sacred treasure that Man has tried to steal before he has passed all of his inner tests – is the divinity of human kind. Once the light hits the darkness, the pearl – the seat of love, glowing within each one of us, is activated. We hold the very pearl/treasure we have been seeking in the outer world.

Its not out, as all traditions speak – it is within.

Light from the top, Darkness from below – and when both Are – then so are We.

While I’d just eaten some salad, chips and was staring into the wall opposite me – this information was seeping into my mind’s eyes, into my body tissue, as ‘it is’.

I’ve heard it before in different language, in different visions.

And meditation on this – on the chakras, on the light and darkness in equal measure – and STILL, we are One…. Then, then we are on our way of the next part of our journey.

To fly. To crawl. To feel no shame for the dark caves we have been into. To feel no boastfulness for the beauty of our wings. But to see it as a whole, as holy, to be All, instead of a part.

Love, acceptance, forgiveness in every cell of the body. Close your eyes if they take you from the path. Become deaf if what you hear tempts you to forget. Become lame if walking takes you away from your true Self.

Love –


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Approaching the Virgin of Montserrat

The closer we came to the image of the Black Madonna, the more beautiful and delicate the artwork. The last of the stairways had mosaics of holy women in different garbs.

After being surrounded by these beautiful women, the eye was taken by the head of John the Baptist held aloft by a strong woman.

Just before we see the sacred image, there are, flying above us, sky larks, swallows and yes, what appeared to be sparrows designed in mosaics.

Behind the Virgin of Montserrat

Behind the image of the black virgin is a small chapel. In the above picture, you can see the gold. The gold is the back side of the virgin. The room is circular. It also holds 8 archangels with varying mudra. And, what I saw as the 8 spoked wheel of Buddhism.

Directly behind the Virgin, there is a striking sculpture. The photo below.

It is St George slaying the dragon. Lightness destroying darkness. One above the other.

How they fear her! How they fear the great serpent. How they want to remind us of the light's victory over darkness.

And yet, there she is, the white turned black. They say the lead in her paint changed her darker through the years. But what ever they say, the fact remains, naturally, she became black. And hundreds if not thousands of people line up to touch her, kiss her, bow to her, pray to her, give her worship, to take luck, to ask forgiveness, to be healed, to be loved, to be blessed.

This is the sacred image of the Virgin of Montserrat. It is not the original. The original is in a cave not far from the Abbey. She holds, by the way, a globe in one hand and a pine cone in the other. One of Enki's symbol is also the pine cone.

The Goddess Trail

Spiral Goddess Website

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

What's my name?

I sat here, and sent a calling out 'who am I? what is my name?'
I hear 'ishtar' its the Babylonian counterpart to Inanna. Hand on my heart truth and my eyes nearly didn't believe what they read in Wikipedia - almost an exact account of Inanna's decent into the underworld.

In the Face of Death

I am so tired of the superficiality and one dimension of grief over death. What I’ve lost. What happens to me? What about me?

And in death, this most sacred moment of transition, that we can hold onto the very ideas, beliefs and traditions that caused us so much pain and disease in our bodies in the first place. Why?

What is wrong with us that we can’t see that our ideas literally kill us?

Why can’t you see that by wrapping yourself in the flag of ‘ME’ and my ideals is so futile, so painful, so human. There is no lesson learnt. It hard pride until the bitter end. Tasting the bile in your mouth and still, you raise the hand in a fist and still you curse your children into following in your footsteps?

How does this happen?

My heart bursts to see it. I struggle to find the peace of ‘all’ in this moment. I don’t see hope. I see the treading of little footprints into the adult ones. I see repetition and fear and suffocation and more disease. Following human ideas instead of seeing reality – the divine reality that is right here, right now and it doesn’t ask this hate from you, it doesn’t ask you to remember every grievance or injustice.

Dear God, forgive us! Hang our heads in shame for this continuing abuse of the gift of life you give us. I’m so sorry. It pains me to see. I feel it like a tearing inside.

I am Spanish. I am Catalan. I am Moroccan. I am Muslim. I am American. I am - I am – I am I am – how can these words turn into nails of doom, bitterness, unrelenting eye for an eye mentality?

So then – I’ve written my incomprehension – and I feel slightly better.

Dear God, dearest One, help me to see the glory of You within each of us. Let me see it in the frown, in the scowl, in the hatred, in the fist, in the browning leaf. In the death, in the life, in the living. In what is. Amen

The Earth Protected by Angel Wings

In the deepest part of today's meditation, the earth was positioned above two angel's wings. The wings encompassed the total earth. It was peace.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Who am I?

Part II

The second time I asked it, a breaking occured. A death and a life.

I love this poem - since I was a teenager.

Journey of the Magi
'A cold coming we had of it, 
Just the worst time of the year 
For the journey, and such a long journey: 
The ways deep and the weather sharp, 
The very dead of winter.' 
And the camels galled, sore-footed, refractory, 
Lying down in the melting snow. 
There were times we regretted 
The summer palaces on slopes, the terraces, 
And the silken girls bringing sherbet. 
Then the camel men cursing and grumbling 
And running away, and wanting their liquor and women, 
And the night-fires going out, and the lack of shelters, 
And the cities hostile and the towns unfriendly 
And the villages dirty and charging high prices: 
A hard time we had of it. 
At the end we preferred to travel all night, 
Sleeping in snatches, 
With the voices singing in our ears, saying 
That this was all folly.  
Then at dawn we came down to a temperate valley, 
Wet, below the snow line, smelling of vegetation; 
With a running stream and a water-mill beating the darkness, 
And three trees on the low sky, 
And an old white horse galloped away in the meadow. 
Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel, 
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver, 
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins, 
But there was no information, and so we continued 
And arrived at evening, not a moment too soon 
Finding the place; it was (you may say) satisfactory  
All this was a long time ago, I remember, 
And I would do it again, but set down 
This set down This: were we led all that way for Birth or Death? 
There was a Birth, certainly, 
We had evidence and no doubt. 
I had seen birth and death, 
But had thought they were different; this Birth was 
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death, 
We returned to our places, these Kingdoms, 
But no longer at ease here, in the old dispensation, 
With an alien people clutching their gods. 
I should be glad of another death.      
-- T. S. Eliot

Part III

The third time I asked it -

Its a mix of all of these ~ and none of them.

Transforming the Painful to the Purifying

We associate pain with bad. We associate poverty with shame. We associate difficult with frustration.

And yet, if you look back upon your life, you know that the maxim ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ holds truth. The father of a high school friend, when hearing of any of my complaints, would say ‘ahh, but that’s character building’. I hated him for saying that.

But its true.

How often do we try to stop others from suffering? How often do we stop our children from experiencing the consequences of their actions? From thoughtlessly picking up the toy from the pram and handing it right back to a baby that learns that if it throws something away, it doesn’t matter, because it comes right back – magically. To cleaning up our children’s messes, including bedrooms, dishes and the problems they get into at school, with other members of the family and not doing their homework.

Difficult experiences, painful moments, if you can live through it, and pull yourself together, remove the bitterness and forgive all involve – turn into blessings. They turn into wonderful opportunities to test what you are made of.

Are we petty, selfish, demanding, and ego centric? Yes? Ok then. Suffer in your resentment, your sickness and your misery.

Are we forgiving, releasing, loving and compassionate for this journey we call life, and know that we are all doing the best we can? Yes? Fantastic.

How long does it take to forgive? How much do we need to suffer, and hold resentment and jealousy and judgements? How long? How sick do we need to become, with the baggage of our own hatred?

At every step along the path, at every moment of the day – the choice is yours. To turn resentment that ties the stomach in knots into release, acceptance, and forgiveness- for your ‘abusers’ and for your self.

Good luck